This story was first written a while ago and only posted last year. It will become a novel (hopefully) so is still being updated and reviewed (there's a lot to be modified and added).
All the constructive opinions are greatly appreciated and applied. If you have any tip, suggestion and/or idea, I'll be very pleased to know.
Hope you enjoy my vampiric world.
Sound of waves. The cool breeze coming from the ocean brings a delicious salty scent. I can feel the soft sand and the little cold rocks trembling beneath my feet.
I'm completely alone, enjoying the night sounds, just as I’ve been doing for these last centuries, and I can certainly say that there’s nothing more pleasant than this house, so well located in a desert beach on the west coast of United Kingdom, away from all the strident noises and electric lights of the crowded cities, a Victorian mansion with two floors, built with thick wood, replete of huge rectangular windows with large balconies. A perfect refuge for a sophisticated demon like me.
I’m a vampire. Thomas Valentino Garreton, more than two centuries old, British, child of the Industrial Revolution, overwhelmingly frozen in this 18 year old body. A beautiful predator, with six feet of height, physically blessed with long, rather curly black hair, extremely bright, green eyes, an almost translucent skin and lips that seem to always stay red. And don’t you let silly legends cross your mind: garlic, silver crosses, silver bullets or even sunlight can do me no harm. My kin is far more complicated than that. There are rumors that only fire can reduce us to dust, but I have my doubts.
I was born in London, in a time when poverty and death were the real kings and queens and people were condemned to a life of misery, working for what seemed like an eternity inside dirty factories. Oh, dear Lord, how I’ve hated the dark, lifeless eighteenth and nineteenth centuries – even though I was part of the small, royal slice of the society. Adopted when I was still a young fledgling by a red haired vampire named Antoine, I grew up surrounded by gold, red velvet and the most interesting figures of highness. But no matter how cozy and warm my bed was or how splendorous the parties could be, it all seemed to be tainted with a pertinent melancholy. Everything was impregnated with a grey emptiness, in which I fully succumbed once Antoine abandoned me, not before he turned me into one of his kind without the courtesy of explaining me what had I become.
But these times were greatly compensated by the last decades, which brought many preciosities like the Blues, Modern Art, human rights, freedom, prêt-`a-porter and, why not, even the World Wars.
Attracted by the abundant bloodshed, I fought in the First World War, leading part of the Allies’ battalions in Africa and France during 1914 and 1915. My superior physical strength, as well as my keen eye for excellent strategic decisions, worked well in my favor and allowed me to climb the ranks, from captain to general. The poor believers of the cause rallied behind me, stepping on the battlefields like lambs to slaughter – disposable pawns in my game of power.
Battles were won and lost, but in truth, there were no real winners. Death and loss drained Europe, turning the old continent into a mere sinking island. The glorious past disappeared in flames and the present was buried deep in its ashes, but in spite of all this, I managed to catch a glimpse of the bright future. I packed my fortune on a small ship and I crossed the ocean, drawn by the promising New World where I invested my precious capital in factories of guns, clothes and food.
Years passed and my plans made me a hundred times wealthier. The War was over and The American Dream became the new world hot topic: everybody wanted to live up to its standard, and I was there in the middle of it all, rubbing elbows with celebrities and shaking hands of the politicians; feasting as an American Emperor and looking down on the rest, from the balcony of my mansion in California..
But as I would soon learn, trouble is always looming behind you, waiting for a misstep to swoop in and take it all away. In 1929, after The Great Depression put an end to my Elysian Peace, I found myself backtracking to Europe. Needless to say, my financial resources had been substantially reduced, but what was profoundly broken was my ego; I gave up on the glamorous life and settled in a village in the countryside of Romania for what seemed like centuries of exile. When the Second World War started, I refused myself the past glory of commanding a powerful army. I didn’t take sides; I only fought for the thirst that was burning my throat, and as it happens in wars, the rivers of blood were endless. I drained as many Nazis as I could, while staying well away from the spotlight.
Soon enough though, I got tired of the endless slaughter. Completely bored with the same easy, emotionless meals every day, I ran back to North America – which had been practically rebuilt in the meantime – and lived for some years on the Pacific Coast, near Portland. Life was perfect again, my bank accounts were being refilled and I could almost consider myself a full-fledged, law abiding citizen.
All that until a stronger energy appeared, giving a whole new perspective to my immortal desires: Rock’n Roll. First, I travelled to New York and New Jersey, trying to find out who the hell was that handsome Elvis Presley, moving his hips on the screens of my brand new television-sets, with those fancy, tight clothes and that amazing haircut. But looking for him, I also found the hypnotic voices of the legends of the Blues, fell in love for Etta James and got absolutely obsessed with the fussy Rolling Stones.
Inspired by all these rock stars, I went back to my British home and found myself playing in a rock band. Me; my dear Billy, a young guitar player – really skinny and short; Jack, the untamed second guitar player - one of those tough teenagers you always see in the movies, not less handsome and well dressed; and Charlie, the drummer – that used to spend more time getting high and completely into his own songs than present in the reality. Simply amazing those lads were, sporting dark suits, trying to look cool like the Beatles; absurdly wealthy and choosing to play rock music and to inhale everything that their human lungs could possibly bear. I was the vocal and bass player, and together we used to steal the hearts of our crowds with our gallant look and hot guitars. This was the Golden Age – when we didn’t have to worry about anything and I could splurge myself with our fans’ innocent blood, while my dear band mates sniffed abnormal amounts of cocaine and drank all sorts of expensive, alcoholic drinks – and it lasted for three years, give or take a few months. With their exigent parents breathing hard down their necks, the lads finally decided to put their drinks down and call it a night. They all joined the college of management and ended up being little stuck-up ragdolls, taking care of daddy’s business.
Not long after that, I decided to be a hippie. I stopped bathing, my hair turned into a huge, disgusting mess and I started hanging out with groups of young hippies around London. It was the Age Of Aquarius and I was the pale, ice cold lover of the boys and girls, sniffers and smokers; drowning in the warm blood of junkies until I lost touch of what was real and what wasn’t. I found myself oscillating between this world and other dimensions, shouting Janis Joplin lines and faking a Jimmy Hendrix solo on the tables of any filthy pub which would open its doors for the likes of me – they all were anxiously waiting for my hysterical performances on the British cold dawns. Applauses for Thomas, The Cold!
It took a few bloody overdoses until I got my act together and decided to head in a different direction. The timing was just right, for right around the corner was the Decade of the Neon Lights, my beloved 1980’s: the kingdom of lurex, Madonna, Michael Jackson, MTV and ecstasy. Soon enough, I had managed to conquer this new world too, letting myself be carried away by the “live fast, die young” wave. Of course, nobody knew that I wasn’t young, nor that I wasn’t going to die soon, but those were just leftover pieces from a completed puzzle. In truth, I was in love with the exciting nightlife; stopping my black Opala in front of the first nightclub I would see and stepping inside like I was their God. My wealth was inexhaustible, just like my thirst for the smiling, blushed faces of Manhattan.
By now, you must be thinking: oh, look at this inhuman creature, fearing nothing and spending every living second in pure luxury; I want to be just like him!
No, you don’t. All this opulence is bogus; a beautiful, shining lie that I forced on myself and ended up believing it. In reality, I would give all my money and my glamour… anything and everything, just to be able to love and suffer; to be afraid of something and to hug all of you, beautiful and fragile creatures, without the risk of smashing your bones and crushing your hearts.
Here I stand now, holding my old diary as if I were holding my own heart. So many memories, so much to tell and all the time to enjoy. I’m a demon with an infinite thirst for life that will never be satiated.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
I like the editions. There are big differences between this draft and the first ones, and I'm waiting for you to update it, 'cause I know you've been working on it for quite a while hahah.
Lets see what you can pull out of the hat!
Hey there, Mari
Finally here as requested. There's no excuse for how long you've had to wait, so I'm not going to try to come up with one. Just know that I'm sorry.
I'm going to jump in with the nitpicks and criticism and end with all the nice things.
So, there's something to be said for description. It's great. I love it, but it's over done here. It makes him sound really in love with himself, but instead of merely hinting at his personality, it gets annoying. There are several published authors who write in first person, like Dean Koontz (the Odd Thomas series) who purposely doesn't describe the main character because of how challenging it can be to get your character to naturally describe themselves and also because sometimes, believe it or not, it's okay for the reader to create the face. That's what I would suggest here.
So, this entire thing, is basically just one big info dump that could have been reduced into three paragraphs. You do have very pretty language. I love your language, however, this doesn't make me want to keep reading. It makes me realize this is a vampire who's been alive for several decades, likes the 1900s better than the Victorian era, is somewhat in love with himself, and doesn't really want to be a vampire.
At this point, it sounds like a bunch of vampires. The beginning of a novel needs to suck us in and make us think that this is completely new and different and amazing. Though it's very pretty to read, I would probably put this down at this point if I was reading it in a bookstore.
What I would suggest, is taking each paragraph about each era and condensing it to one sentence, maybe two, and making his history one paragraph. That gives you room to expand on his wish to be more human and it keeps the reader turning pages.
So, after that monologue, the good things: I love your vocabulary. You made me crack my dictionary which isn't something easily done, and I have some lovely new words under my belt. Thank you.
As I've already said, I love your language, meaning your flow and tone for the most part. You have a lot of talent for making things sound beautiful.
If you have any questions please PM me or hit up my wall.
Once more I'm sorry for the wait.
Megsug
Hello marivisan,
EnchantedPanda here to review as requested.
Wow! Seriously, this is amazing. It was so intense and fast paced, yet it made sense at the same time. It wasn't confusing, just interesting. The way you've written it, making it easy to follow and still wildly exciting and vivid nonetheless. I loved the description and imagery you've used for each phrase. It just oozes personality, like it's really the protagonists' thoughts and they're thinking to themselves.
It's truly awesome to read, I'm not even a fan of vampire stories and this still drew me in and kept me hooked the whole way. I like the raw truthfulness and the fascinating style of writing you've used throughout this entire piece. I've never read anything like this and the originality kept me totally hooked through the entire piece. It's fantastically written and almost everything about it's been perfected. Each sentence has so much of an impact on the reader and everything about this is just sparky and just downright awesome.
Now for some nitpicks;
This is more than likely a typo but I thought I'd mention it all the same. The 'i' should be capitalized, the first person subject pronoun "I" is always written in uppercase for various reasons.
This line kind of stuck out to me. I'm not sure why it just seemed awkward somehow, like it's been phrased oddly. Perhaps you could consider rewording this to make it more effective and better flowing for the reader.
These couple of sentences didn't really make sense either try incorporating them into one sentence if you want to make it more flowing and easier to understand. It feels odd right now.
Random capitalization? 'Completely shouldn't begin with an uppercase; again I'm just assuming this is a random typo and completely unintentional. If not just take not that this doesn't work. If you want emphasize on a word just put it in bold, it's less messy and doesn't screw up the grammar.
Should be, "I stopped bathing". Otherwise it's just random, it doesn't show that it's referring to the narrator it just lets the reader know that someone has stopped bathing, we want to know who it was.
This line is amazing. I love it, it's superb. It really leaves the reader clawing for more, it's a great cliff hanger and it definitely keeps you hooked.
The only overall issue that I had with this was similar to what BlackSheep said, the name of your protagonist isn't really sticking. It's so plain and common for such a unique main character and I don't feel like it fits his personality. Try searching for a name that is both unique and catchy, and most importantly, memorable.
Overall I really liked this. If you ever post the rest please let me know I'm desperate to read the rest. Great work, this was an amazing piece and I really want to read more from you. Please keep me posted and let me know if you have any questions or comment about this review. Keep up the great story telling!
From EnchantedPanda <3
Okay.. Here's your review! I love the ending! The last sentence is amazing!
In the second paragraph you have a random capital letter... in the word completely.
In the third paragraph, the last sentence could be reworded to sound better.
Maybe:
"Others of my kind say only fire can reduce us to dust, but I have my doubts."
You do not need the parenthesis, instead use a comma!
But my empire did not last, for in 1929 the Great Depression put an end to my Elysian Peace.
And then I decided to be a hippie.
Just say "Then I decided..." You do not need the "And"
This is really good! Please let me know if you put out more!
--Iki
Okay.. Here's your review! I love the ending! The last sentence is amazing!
In the second paragraph you have a random capital letter... in the word completely.
In the third paragraph, the last sentence could be reworded to sound better.
Maybe:
"Others of my kind say only fire can reduce us to dust, but I have my doubts."
You do not need the parenthesis, instead use a comma!
But my empire did not last, for in 1929 the Great Depression put an end to my Elysian Peace.
And then I decided to be a hippie.
Just say "Then I decided..." You do not need the "And"
This is really good! Please let me know if you put out more!
--Iki
Hey mari, the title really brought me into this piece. I don't usually review stuff that has comments already, but I had a good feeling about this. And I was right!
I really love vampire novels; I think they can have the most interesting characters. I've never read any of the Twilight books or things like it, because I prefer more realistic accounts of vampire, whether the author interprets it as more of a lonely existence or an animalistic one. So I guess that's why I liked this chapter so much x)
I think you have already breathed life into your main character, which is an awesome feat for just the first page or so, lol. I find myself wanting to learn more about him and his experiences.
There was nothing wrong that I could find grammatically, or pace-wise, or with vocabulary, or ANYTHING really. It just flowed so well and I was immersed in the story so bravo.
I only have only complaint, and it's really nothing, but your main character's name just isn't hitting right for me. I can hardly remember it. I know it's almost impossible to change a name once you've already decided on one. And you're probably just trying to find something that would fit the time period he was born in, which I can understand. Just... a vampire named Tom. I don't know, lol. I might warm up to it
Could you notify me somehow on future chapters? I'd like to review more. Thanks
Hey Black Sheep! First: Of course i'll warn you! It's a pleasure to know that you're interested
And, well about the name haha, i totally understand, it's what happened in "True Blood" with "Bill the vampire", we are used to different vampiric names, like Lestat and Armand (well i'm a huge fan of Anne Rice), and indeed, Tom is common and not so vampiric, but just like you said, id had to fit ahhaha.
Hope you can get used to him and thank you very much for your review dear! It's really important to me and i'll keep in touch!
Mari.
hey love
it's really good to see you finally taking the credit you deserve,
for being such a skilled writer.
ive been a long time fan of this one, folks, since she typed the
first words and came up with the title. it's definitely a story
worth keeping an eye on, because it goes so much deeper than today's
vampire stories.
no clicheic wars between vampires and werewolves, not stupid love
triangles between dogs and sparkling bloodsuckers.. just pure
storytelling.
im a huge fan of realism, and thats what attracted me to this one:
the level of historic acuracy. everything has been researched,
and you can find it all in the right history books/websites etc.
it's much more than another story with vampires. it's about art,
music, history and culture. it's every reader's wet dream.
entao, muito saude pra voce, minha bonitinha. parabens!
com muito amor, seu marido.
Oh, i don't even know how to thank you, my love. Thisproject would be nothing without all your support and help. Since the first words you've been there for me, searching, creating, pointing my silly mistakes, and here it is! Thanks to you.
And, omg, you know how much vampires mean to me i would never put them in war with cute huge wolves and even less make Thomas sparkle, oh that would be so... NOT. hahahaha
So, Thank you again my dear husband, for everything!
With love,
your wife.
wow!
I'm not a fan of this wealthy-beautiful vampire craze but i really liked your piece. the vocabulary was good, the word choice very raw and at the same time polished, the skipping through generation through generation very elegant and the piece really springs you apart like elastic and then make you want to read more.
I liked the constant references to music and history, it brought out the flavor. the descriptions of Thomas' band and the overall regret of his to go back into as you call it:
" to be able to love, suffer, being afraid of something and hug all of you beautiful fragile creatures without the risk of crushing your bones."
there are a few problems though, as you can see. Thomas' repeatedly talks about his immense wealth but he doesn't actually tell us where the money is from actually.
there are a few lines which seem bit more amateur compared with other sentences around it which are really elegant. for example when you Thomas got meta and asked the reader if we think he's pompous or not...that didn't just click right.
anyway really loved the piece and hope to get more of this project.
Puck...
Hey there! Thank you very much for the review!
I wrote this prologue in a very random moment, and i still didn't edit, so it was really good to receive some opinions about its flaws. Soon i'll post another chapter and i'll correct some stuff, guess it will be much better. Hehe
And i'm flattered with your compliments, it's really good and motivates me a lot to keep writing. This project have been stopped since december last year, but now i'm decided to finish at last.
Oh, and the music and history, i think these details are importat to make the story more plausible, very good you liked it too.
Well, thanks again and keep reading!
Mari.
I think I'm in love with this piece. Ink has already said all the suggested fixes, so I will say this; brilliant job. It's completely beautiful. Yes, Thomas is deliciously pompous yet so very honest. He reminds me of Lestat (Interview with a Vampire). Therefore, I am deeply in love with his story and I cannot wait to read more!
Keep writing, this is beautiful.
-Fire
Aw, thank you! I'm really glad you enjoyed and i feel so flattered you "compared" him to Lestat, omg, you can't believe how it made me happy heheheh
And yes, like i said to Ink, i'll edit this prologue and make some changes to improve the story. Hope you keep loving, and soon there will be a new chapter too.
Thank you again!
Mari.
Hello, darling.
It was a good piece, returning quite well to the world of Actual Vampires (sorry, not a Twilight fan. I'm Team Guy-Who-Hit-Bella-With-A-Car.) A few improvements, and this piece would be even more awesome, though.
Before I start; have you ever read the book (or seen the movie, I guess) "Interview with the Vampire?" I think you might like it, and this piece reminds me of it.
So, on to the fun stuff!
1.) "...child of the revolution..." Maybe I need to brush up on my European History, but which revolution are you talking here? A little clarification would be beautiful.
2.) "...thanks to a redheaded bood sucker...at my sordid filth." The descriptions are great, but because they're so close together, I had to read it a few times to understand what Thomas actually looked like. Maybe space them out a bit?
3.1.) You throw the World Wars into the mix, which are great annecdotes, but you seemed like you were already past them with your narration. You jump from Modern Art and Human Rights back to 1915, then forward again, and it's a little confusing. Plus, doesn't Thomas seem a little pompous and full of himself to be an ordinary soldier? If he did it for the blood, now that might be a nice twist, but it still seems like he would find that work below him.
3.2.) ...the developments were..." Developments seems like a strange choice for that phrase.
4.1.) "Simply amazing, those guys...the best weed." That whole sentance is a little wonky. Maybe split it up?
4.2.) "I was the vocal[s] and bass player, destroying [the crowds' hearts]..."
4.3.) "...with our [innocent] fans' blood..."
5.) COMMAS. You don't seem to like them. They're used in really weird places all over the piece. Reading the piece out loud and putting them in might help.
6.) "My wealth was inexhaustable..." Where's the money from?
7.) "Now you must be thinking...just like him!" Pompous people never seem to know they're pompous, do they? Maybe another descriptor.
8.) "No, you don't... crushing your bones." This comes off a little shallow and fake. Maybe make it a little more raw and exposed. It would be a lovely contrast from his earlier voice.
Okay. Moving on. Here's the some of the stuff you did really well.
1.) FANTASTIC word choice. It's just awesome. 'Nuff said.
2.) Great time tracing, although I would've made just a bit more of a comment on the earlier decades. Either that, or make him a little younger, like made just before WWI.
3.) Thomas's voice is so pompous and honest at the same time, it's delicious. That's right, I said delicious. Don't judge me.
4.) I love (and really want you to elaborate on) Thomas's love for Billy and the other lovers he seemed to have. Nothing explicit, just a little explanation.
Great job, and I'd love to see the finished project!
Love,
iThinkinInk
Thank you very very much. Your review is really improtant to me, and i really appreciate that you pointed me all these details! I wrote this prologue a while ago and i've felt blocked since then, so i didn't actually reviewed and edited, and after what you just told me i'll definitely edit!
And yes, I love Anne Rice, she is my favorite writer and i have all the books of the vampire chronicles hehe (and i'm also part of the team Guy-Who-Hit-Bella-With-A-Car hahahha).
So thank youvery much again and keep reeding, soon i'll post another chapter and i'll edit this one.
Sincerely,
Mari.