He could feel each little vibration of the strings, the chords and its variations. Closing his eyes, his fingers would start to move naturally, dancing in the rhythm of the rich ballade. His feet caressing the pedals - pressing once, then lifting and pressing again.
Moderato at first, a bit slower, dolce, ah… Piú lento.
The sharp sounds were entwining with the stronger ones, faster, louder, then deliciously slow. Oh, the melody was flowing like summer rain, smooth until deeper notes were hit, sounding like thunders in distance. He opened his eyes and suddenly a fury took place - animato, leggiero - announcing a forthcoming storm of notes.
On that moment he knew he was its slave, for no other pleasure - of blood or of the flesh- could be more sumptuous than that. Tingling in the skin, pumping his blood, bringing shivers to the spine, his heart was pounding alive.
Close to the end, increasing the rhythm, accelerato and deep, brutal hits made true beauty come out. One last rush of notes and divinity was touched with the sweetest of sounds.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hello marivisan,
Firstly may I praise you on your excellent writing, I found this piece very original. I've never read anything very similar to this before and it had an unusually creative idea behind it. It's obvious that you've put a lot of thought into this piece of writing. I also liked the musical terms that you used in this piece, it again added a sense of thought and creativity, and made the piece feel more personal. It also added a sense of professionalism, that would make this appealing to musicians reading your short story. I found the powerful language that you've used here made this really strong and emotive. You've deliberately used stronger adjectives and for this piece it really works. There are many interpretations of music and I enjoyed hearing your views and opinions. You've really made this piece unique and your own- it's almost a personal expression and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it, just make sure you strike a balance, try ranging the language, make it softer in places and overall more varied, it will really help you add a big contrast- it makes it realistic because music is contrasting, it's different, it's exciting. Explore that and this will be far more realistic.
The first problem I found when reading this was that it was choppy. You've used long sentences and lots of breaks. I can tell you meant for this to be short and snappy but in some aspects you've taken this to the extremes. It's hard to get lost in a piece that doesn't explore ideas, I don't read this and feel like I'm getting lost in it. The problem is, it's too rushed. It doesn't feel like a waltz which is really gentle and melodious, it feels like a song with a fast tempo and powerful notes. Not entirely how you would imagine a waltz, is it? Try delving into the ideas, it's not necessary to explain how every single tiny note makes you feel, but a bit more description would really help, try using some language feature (e.g. similes, metaphors, personification etc.), you've already got a good basis, but know it's time to expand your ideas and make this more descriptive. Another suggestion of mine would be to put a line break between each paragraph. It's more aesthetically appealing and it makes the piece overall more flowing.
Now a few nitpicks;
"Closing his eyes, the fingers would start to move automatically"
Automatically? To me this makes him sound robotic, almost careless. It sounds like he's played music so much it doesn't even mean anything anymore. Try swapping this in for something like 'naturally', this way it still shows that he cares but he's experienced so he doesn't have to think about what he's doing, he just enjoys it for what it is.
"The right acute entwining with the stronger left, twist of the hands, quickening the melody until it culminates in a brusque silence that won't last, for the pizzicato is about to start."
This is a perfect example of the rushed writing style. It's almost unnecessary to have this because it is so brief and meaningless. Maybe you could explain how the silence makes him feel, or describe how the audience reacts. There's so much opportunity in this part, you just need to reach out and explore all those feelings and ideas.
"some thunders can be heard in distance when the grave notes are hit."
Thunders? This is the first time you mention weather, is there actual thunder in the distance or is the piece so tense that it just feels like thunder? I found that this leaves more questions than it actually answers. The reader doesn't know unless you tell them or leave some clue so we can inference to find out what you mean.
"Acute, a brutal hit to make beauty come out."
This sounds kind of dark and almost slightly abusive. I'm also not sure about the 'come out' part, surely there's a better way to describe that? I just thought I'd bring attention to this line because it didn't feel as clean as the rest of the poem, it may just be me being fussy but I'm sure there's something missing. I just can't pinpoint what it is exactly.
Overall it's very good, but there are some definite areas which I know you can improve on. I hope I haven't been to blunt, I honestly enjoyed reading this, work on those few areas and this piece really will improve. You have a lot of potential as a writer and I had a lot of fun reading this. I can't wait to read more from you so keep writing! This is a really good foundation, now you just have to work on improving your editing skills. Good work and congratulations on a great piece of writing!
From EnchantedPanda <3
Wow, first of all I'm very flattered. Thank you very much for the compliments, it made me really glad to see that you really enjoyed and it was also a good motivation to write more.
I must confess that i put a lot of feelings int this one, because I loved to play piano, and ptobably it is personal, almost like a memory, maybe. Like i said on the previous replies, i wrote it in a really really random moment at work and it came up a bit rushed, and i didn't give the proper attention before posting because i actually wanted to see what would be the reactions to an "improvised" piece.
Ah, the "automatically" bother me a lot! i Didn't find any other word to explain (my english is extremely poor yet, and writing is a great way to improve it) how he would play it so... naturally (that indeed would be the perfect word and only now seeing your review i thought about it) and not even thinking much about what he was doing.
Ah, actually the thunders were the second mention of weather. The first is also on the 6th line, right before mentioning the thunders, when i compare the music to a spring rain. It made sense for me, while I was listening, cause there's this brutal moment in the song, right after the smooth part, when it gets way louder and grave, that it reminded me of thunders in an increasing rain.
The "brutal hit" was probably the remains of an idea that occured. I was going to write another paragraph before the ending and make it way more "erotic", like i explained in the first review, showing that the player was almost making love to the piano, touching it with powerful lust, and the brutal hit would be something like the climax. Would be a metaphor for an orgasm. But i don't know why, i thought it wouldn't be good and went through other ways to describe.
Well i hope i havent been too complicated to reply, I very much enjoyed your review and i wanted to answer appropriately. So I'm really sorry if i didn't manage.
And, as you said you'd like to read more of my stuff, this part would be some sort of "extra chapter" of my original story, that is about vampires.
Well, if you feel curious, that one is needing some serious editing hahaha.
work.php?id=96832
Thank you again and again,
Mari.
Hello Mari,
Here to review!
I thought this was a pretty interesting piece and I actually remember writing a scene similar to this for my novel's guitar playing protagonist. Trying to write music and feeling in words is kinda hard. However, I thought your imagery and descriptions were pretty good. I liked the insert of musical language in here, too. Unfortunately, I'm not exactly a musician and I haven't exactly studied anything outside my Jazz Appreciation class for Uni so I had no idea what mezzo forte or pizzicato meant - of course, I looked up the words and they seem to go well with what you have so it all makes sense now.
Anyway, as far as the writing is concerned, I think you could still clean this up a bit. If you try reading it out loud, there are certain sentences that feel choppy, don't flow well together, and the reading isn't as smooth as it could be. Perhaps you can try to add some more breaks, lengthen some sentences and add more imagery or just play around with it some more. Maybe it's even the formatting of this. Try to add some space between your new paragraphs to help readers realize this is a new break. Formatting your work can sometimes really do the trick.
Overall, it's a pretty short piece but you have an interesting thing going on here. I don't feel like it's completely complete and I think there's still more you can do with this to polish its edges. In any case, I enjoyed reading it. It was creative.
Let me know if you have any questions and keep writing. :]
-S
Ah, thank you very much for reading and reviewing, Shearwater!
Really nice you looked for the musical expressions and everything. I've learnt it during my piano classes, and added to make more musical. Very good it made sense, but i'm a bit afraid it might confuse the reader a bit. Should I consider removing?
And Jazz is great!
Actually the writing was really random, i wrote it in a rare peaceful moment at work hehe. I just felt inspired by the music I was listening and wrote, without too much planning, neither much reviewing, but trying to put a lot of feelings tho. Then I decided to post the result to see what the others would think about my "improvisation".
So probably many lines could've been better used, and after i read again,, I thought the flowing is rushed, not like a waltz, and that's something i still want to work on better.
Actually I am thinking about further projects with music "transcriptions" like this one, but with different action, not necessarily the person playing an instrument.
But for now, I will re-write this waltz and add more space, make it smoother and try to "play around with it" like you said.
Thank you very much again for the review, it helped a lot and I'll definitely work on cleaning this piece. Heheh.
M.
having already edited this piece, I must disagree with Aley - it's a scene, a brief glimpse into the mind of an artist. the climax lasts as long as he is feeling it, and it is not for you to decide when it starts or ends. more than words on a paper, this is about feeling the music, from a subjective point of view, so it shouldn't be a wonder that not everybody can feel it the same way.
perfect length (for a glimpse), good choice of words (the musical terms actually dictate the pace of the action, which is a very nice addition), great use of metaphors (feeling the music unleashes a storm within) - overall, i'd say this is a great way to make a comeback to youngwriterssociety.com!
Ha, my love, as always flattering and making me smile while i read your review.
It was a quick random glimpse, and I put my own feelings in this one, remembering how i used to play and ofc adding some imagery, a bit of drama and a lot of adjectives hehe.
The storm comes right with the rythm, a storm of notes.
And the musical therms I thought would illustrate better what was happening, the problem is that not everybody understands, but it sounded more professional, even more realistic to propperly show what the character was playing.
Well, thank you very much and I'm really happy and satisfied you liked cause it was my comeback specially dedicated to you.
Lots of love,
Le wife.
I feel almost like this is missing the real climax. It does good getting up to a point where the climax should be, using the storm and the thunder, but it never quite describes the point of having a storm, and waltzing faster, in a way that really brings around some understanding of the end of the extremes. It just sort of falls back down with saying "Oh, the lust in touching the cold keys,..." instead of facing the climax head on.
Aside form that, I enjoyed the imagery. I think having the storm incorporated sooner so it does not seem like a device simply brought in for the fact of explaining the rising action would make it better. Maybe a comment about the rain on a roof or something to that nature at the beginning could support this.
Aside form that, I enjoyed the word choice and the play with music terms.
Hey Aley, thank you for reading and reviewing. I'm glad you enjoyed.
Well, about the lack of climax, it's not supposed to have one. I considered using some erotic imagery for the piano and how the player was making love to it and the music. It would end up in an "orgasmic" climax, but I preferred to leave it like its actually is, simply a waltz that i was listening and describing the way i used to play and feel it.
The rain came to illustrate a bit more, but i didn't want to put it since the beggining cause my idea was not that it was actually rainning outside so i would describe a roof or sound of water, it's merely figurative so the reader would "feel" how the music would flow stronger in a certain part.
"Waltz no. 7 Op 24" by CHopin was my inspiration. It flows and flows, goes stronger, louder, sometimes decreases, almost stopping with abrupt continuation (the Pizzicato doesn't actually exist in this waltz but i wanted to add a bit more of music terms hehe), and in the end it doesn't have a strong climax. The melody gets louder, agressive, but then goes smooth, slower, mirroring the beggining and ends really low (the "brutal hit" i also made up cause it's really soft the last note).