z

Young Writers Society



The darkness

by marching_gurl89


The darkness is closing in,
Theres no way out,
No little fire escape out of my mind.

I don't remember light.
All I remember is darkness.
I can't recall the feeling of hope, Looking forward to the next day.

The window in my mind has had a shade pulled over it for the longest time.
Or maybe the light was fake,
maybe I was never truly happy.

The darkness has stuck me in my mind.
The darkness is like quicksand.
It traps you,Then the harder you fight,
The more you're traped within.
I know the darkness will swallow me,
So why fight?

Maybe the darkness has always been close to me,
But I just never knew it.
The darkness close and lurking in the shadows.
Waiting fo me like a leopard.
For just the right moment,
When I was wounded,
Unprotected,
Vulenerable.
Then pouncing on me, And swallowing me up,
Never to be heard from again.

All my life, I've been like a rock in the ocean,
Against the great cliffs.
Each hit slowly breaking me away,
Eroding me into nothingness.
The ocean swallowing me up,
Leaving nothing,
Except the memories in others minds that I touched.

I will fight,
Slowly wiggling myself out of the darkness.
Letting the shade,
And light finally breaking the darkness in my mind.
I remeber the light, the hope,
But that was so long ago.

I shall never let the darkness swallow me.

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321 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 321

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Sun Apr 24, 2005 10:34 am
Liz wrote a review...



I liked it. You have interesting and comprehendable concepts and analogies. However, you sometimes slip into cliches, so be careful about that. For example...

I know the darkness will swallow me

Yeah, swallowing darkness, it's not the most original idea.
Like niteowl pointed out, there are also a few small repetitions that would do well to be fixed up. Overall, it's not bad at all.




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1274 Reviews

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Reviews: 1274

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Sat Apr 23, 2005 2:48 am
niteowl wrote a review...



This is definitely one of your better poems. The main thing is the little technical stuff (but that's always what I tend to focus on)

I think you're missing a word in the first line. I believe it would read better as: The darkness is closing in." I liked the end of that first stanza. Interesting metaphor.

I can't recall the feeling of hope, Looking forward to the next day.


If you have a comma in the middle of a really long line anywhere, I highly suggest you split it into two lines after the comma.

The darkness has stuck me in my mind

Did you mean struck? Actually I don't like this line at all. It doesn't seem to belong. It kind of brings the whole poem down.

Letting the shade,


Methinks you're missing the word "up."


An additional note: you use darkness way too much in this poem. I understand that's the title, and it's okay if you use it once or twice, but there are plenty of synonyms. How about "eternal night" "grayness" "shadows" "dark void" etc.? Don't repeat the same word twice in one stanza. If there are no synonyms that would work right, use "it."

Some little typos: traped=trapped, remeber=remember.

Pretty good. I liked it.





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