Everythings right in your mind

Hey there.

Before we talk about anything too serious, I'm taking a glance at your capitalization. And I would only mention it if I disagreed with the arrangement. I'm not a big fan of starting every line with caps out of the presentation aspect and also how it effects the flow. Each line should be a linked continuation of the last, instead of creating an entirely different for study. That's what capping each line in a poem does for the interpretation of the message and when applied to the flow, it creates that very choppy way of getting through it.

Also in flow, we see the issue of periods. you use a total of one period in this poem but based on what I've read from the flow, they should be used in place of several of the commas. I am a person who is highly in favor of using punctuation in poetry, even though I know it's something that not everyone has been sold on yet. With ending the lines in periods, instead of all commas, it creates a dialogue with the reader and slows down the pacing of these rapid fire ideas.

Also in structure, I think you might have had a few issues with formatting due to the publishing center conversion. Such as certain sections no longer have italics applied and I would have loved to see what the original version looked like. In this current version, I'm assuming that the last line was solely in italics, which would just makes the most sense for how the word choice fits in.

I can't really get past the technical issues to the true heart of the poem but what I see based on the outside...
I think this was a good start for a poem and I'm sorry you didn't get enough reviews to change it, when it was originally posted. That's all I think I can manage to say for this poem for now.

happy revmo.
- lizz

It's not depressing. And this is better than that other one.

I'll rewrite the poem, keeping the original wording but redoing the punctuation because I tried to correct them all but there's way too many in that one little poem. I'll also split lines where appropriate.

Everything's right in your mind.
You live in your own little world,
Shutting out reality.
The fear of facing the truth,
Never letting in
Any piece of the world.
Twisting every little thing
So it suits your fake little world.
You have the perfect life
In your mind.

But your life isn't perfect.
It never has.
Everything's going wrong
But you still live
In your false security
Where everything's just peachy.
Everything's right in your mind.

Now let's point out the other errors. The fourth line makes no sense when paired with the rest of the poem. Reword this line or the ones that follow.

The eighth line is meissing a word, Been?

Second-to-last line: Not too bad until you get to "just peachy." Get rid of this. Surely you can come up with a creative metaphor or simile to replace this stupd cliche.

I agree with convintojm(oh Tara, someone needs a nicname...). Too much repitition. I would suggest replacing "little world" with something else more creative. You sound like my mother!

Also please delete that italicized statement. It's not that depressing of a poem and that wasn't there when I first saw this. You make people think they're going to read about suicide or something. Although it's good that there was some emotion behind this, unlike that other poem. Although neither poem is particularly great, emotion makes a world of difference.

too much repetition in a short time and does little to capture the reader.