Young Writers Society

hi mantra!

i haven't read your poetry in a long time. probably since napo? it's great to see you back to writing and posting, so i figured i would review this!

the first thing that caught my eye is the imagery you've chosen. skin as a trap, the act of cutting escape holes in couch cushions, familiar "home" imagery. it really pulled me into the right headspace, with the discomfort and feeling that something is off. it evokes a deep sense of entrapment, both physically and emotionally. that is so raw and palpable because it's set up like we, as readers, already know what's going on. we aren't given context, and we're just thrown right into it.

there is an incredible depth in the way you tap into personal history and externalize it. i loved the metaphors of cutting and tunneling, and they create such strong visuals. it's like wanting to separate yourself from who you are; your family (or your lack of one, really), your home, your own emotional state and feelings.

i know that the things i hate
are right under my nose. i feel it in my bones
so much that it overrides me.

OUCH okay i see you!

i feel like what the narrator hates isn't too clear though. they are this figure of pure resentment and spite, and it's clear in how they talk. they "find misery" everywhere they go + partake in self-destructive behaviors of cutting couch cushions that mirrors self-harm = maybe it is more of a negativity that they've created for themselves. this is the heart of that tension between their awareness and their inability to reconcile with it. i want to know how that reflects into this stanza.

there is this dream i have
where my absent father wrings a cold,
wet rag out in the sink & places it on my forehead.

ooo i love that there is a dream sequence!

the wet rag placed on their forehead is such an intimate detail, and it's so simple yet effective. it feels distant and empty with the knowledge of the father's absence. i feel that really highlights a lack of care and how that deeper emotional neglect affected the narrator; all of their behaviors can be explained by this want of more. it's profound because it is just a dream. it won't happen, so it becomes a symbol of everything missing in their life. an all-consuming one.

overall, your poem feels like you're trying to make peace with something that’s beyond your control, but at the same time, trying to find a way out. absence becomes presence. i feel like it could be a little more grounded in concrete imagery at times - a lot of the imagery is open to interpretation/purposefully vague. that isn't a large complaint though, because it definitely works with your voice.

what i take from this is that you should write more! you have a talent for visceral imagery and capturing the bitter sides of being human.

best,
milkweed

Hai :3

I haven't reviewed in so long o.O

Anyway, this is so haunting and beautiful!! The whole poem feels like it’s unraveling in slow motion. It brought me into this mix of pain, longing, and quiet desperation. The imagery is so tactile and striking, and it paints such an intimate picture of the narrator’s inner world. I love how you’ve balanced these deeply personal moments with universal feelings of searching for something and despair ~~ Like, it’s absolutely breathtaking how individual and yet relatable this is!!

i count the days until one man closes our door
& out comes another.

!!! THIS OPENING !!!

The tone here is so reflective and vulnerable, and I love how it immediately sets up this sense of unease. The “unwinding” feels both physical and mental, like the narrator is slowly coming apart, and the repetition of men closing doors creates this cyclical feeling of inevitability. It’s subtle but so heavy; there’s so much being said in these few lines, and it’s such a compelling start!! It portrays love and being close to someone as transactional as well, which is an interesting way to shape the dynamic between you and your family from the start. It's unique!!

I want you to explore that idea more though!! The concept of seeing these men, potential father figures, come and go is so compelling. Why not dig into it? There is obviously a sense of longing for wanting that kind of connection in your imagery, especially your last stanza!! So, it poses me with some questions: what do you think of those men? How does it make you feel about your father or your mother, maybe? That might be something to consider if you revise!!

i find misery everywhere i go;
behind the warmest radiators, behind my mother,
even behind god.

This stanza is SO vivid and unsettling!!! The idea is such a visceral way to describe feeling stuck, and the earlier image of cutting escape holes in couch cushions is so unexpected but perfect ~~ Like, it feels both absurd and deeply sad. I love how you trace misery through these specific places, like it’s something the narrator can’t escape no matter where they look. Even “behind god” is such a gut-punch of a line!! It’s so heavy and final, like there’s nowhere left to turn, even in something familiar and homely like religion. This is just stunning!!

there is this dream i have
where my absent father wrings a cold,
wet rag out in the sink & places it on my forehead.
he will never break a mirror on purpose
or take his kids to school.

THE ENDING !!! I don't even know which line to quote, so I did the whole stanza!!

This is devastating in the best way!!! The dream feels so tender and ordinary, but the contrast with the father’s absence makes it hit so much harder. The specificity of the cold, wet rag is so tactile. In comparison to the rest, I love it!! The final lines are such a quiet hurt. Like, they leave you with this lingering sense of loss and unresolved yearning. It’s such a perfect, haunting ending that feels very well-rounded!!

The dream is so powerful, but I feel like leaning just a bit more into what the father represents could make the ending stronger though!! Is it comfort, disappointment, longing? I'm also curious about what "he will never break a mirror on purpose/or take his kids to school" means since it's contradictory. He won't be violent, but he won't be engaging in his children's life. How does that compare to his absence? Isn't it the same? That said, this poem is already incredible!!

This is raw, layered, and deeply moving. The way you’ve combined tactile imagery with emotional depth is absolutely stunning, and this will linger with me long after reading. Amazing work and I hope to read more from you!! ^_^

- Payton