Published April 21, 2013
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140,456 Literary Works • 673,225 Reviews
The whole poem including the title itself is too stereotypical. You have to come up with something original. Second, why is the title completely in Capitals? It doesn't appear nice, believe me. I think the 4th line of the poem must have been two lines. The second last line has a typo. You can see that well. Try some rhyming schemes and use some metaphors. I can see that you are a beginner at poetry. Never quit writing and follow the constructive feedback.
-Hamza
Manny2310. You over did it on the similes, but I'm aware of your effort despite your difficulties in writing. Careful with the grammar errors (comes, wraps....)
KEEP WRITING.
Hey there! Okay, so just to warn you, I am a harsh reviewer of poetry.
You've been warned.
So a lot of things on this. First of all, I'd seriously advise against using all caps in your title; it makes it automatically come off as shouty and unintelligent, particularly when paired with such a corny title. Add the fact that it really doesn't convey any emotional appeal and I would say that this title does absolutely nothing for you. Titles can be helpful in boosting your writing, so don't take them too lightly and tack on any generic statement.
There is an abundance of cliches, starting with the first line and ending with the last. In fact, I'd strain to find a single line here that doesn't make me do an eye-roll. When writing a poem, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of making it unique; anyone can write a generic poem, and it's the poet's greatest task to fathom a one-of-a-kind way to present an idea. Make sure to really think, to really make the poem yours, and to really make it stand-alone. Also keep in mind that you only have so many words, so they really, really have to count.
There are spelling errors throughout and that fourth line is wayyy too long in contrast to the others.
Your largest concern here, however, is concept. It simply fails to be original and lacks the ability to evoke any sense of emotion. Make sure to find your own way of wording things that can convey your ideas in a clever and concise way. Most importantly, don't let your poem sound sappy and/or cookie-cutter.
I know this was a harsh review, and as I said, I tend to review poetry quite harshly. Don't take this all to heart and know that I really do think you have the potential to improve your writing. I hope this helps, and if you have any questions, just let me know.
Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx