The midpoint of the coldest month -
when gardens suffocate.
The snowballs plummet fiercely down
on chaos they create.
I notice everyone I know
is digging through the white
And piercing through the blizzard’s shield,
To search for crimson light.
They start to find the glowing red
of roses they have craved.
And as they run, I can’t believe
the way they have behaved.
But as the blizzard’s fury stops,
And melted snow reveals
the pillaged garden’s emptiness,
I know how absence feels.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Ah, thank you both very much! I really appreciate the feedback, and I'll definitely try to fix that third stanza. =]
I wasn't sure what the crimson light could be, and I thought it was just not going to make sense, but then when I read the roses part I liked that part a lot more. I LOVED the last stanza - "pillaged" is such a good word there. I really like the use of "suffocate" in the first stanza, too. I agree with Colleen on the third stanza, though - it does sound a bit forced. The only other line I had a small problem with was this one:
which, for where it was in the poem, I thought could have a less redundant message. Maybe it could be used to emphasize the frantic need of the people digging, for instance. I don't know, it just seemed kind of purposeless to me.
Other than that, this was a terrific example of rhyme adding to a poem - great job! I loved the theme, too, and its original presentation. Keep writing - I'd love to read more!
Ooh. Nice. I really like the idea here, and how you kept coming back to this idea of a garden. In the first stanza, when I read, "...when gardens suffocate," I thought it was just some stupid forced rhyme. Fortunately, I was wrong, and this garden idea is fantastic.
This was the only stanza that really felt like the rhyme was forced. The "behaved" part, I mean. It didn't fit with the whole tone of the piece.
I think the "And" should be changed to "The" as in "The melted snow reveals..."
*high-five* Superb line. Really caught me by the throat, in a good way.
Good work! I commend you for above-average use of rhyme.
Colleen