Ah, thank you both very much! I really appreciate the feedback, and I'll definitely try to fix that third stanza. =]
The midpoint of the coldest month -
when gardens suffocate.
The snowballs plummet fiercely down
on chaos they create.
I notice everyone I know
is digging through the white
And piercing through the blizzard’s shield,
To search for crimson light.
They start to find the glowing red
of roses they have craved.
And as they run, I can’t believe
the way they have behaved.
But as the blizzard’s fury stops,
And melted snow reveals
the pillaged garden’s emptiness,
I know how absence feels.
Ah, thank you both very much! I really appreciate the feedback, and I'll definitely try to fix that third stanza. =]
I wasn't sure what the crimson light could be, and I thought it was just not going to make sense, but then when I read the roses part I liked that part a lot more. I LOVED the last stanza - "pillaged" is such a good word there. I really like the use of "suffocate" in the first stanza, too. I agree with Colleen on the third stanza, though - it does sound a bit forced. The only other line I had a small problem with was this one:
And piercing through the blizzard’s shield,
Ooh. Nice. I really like the idea here, and how you kept coming back to this idea of a garden. In the first stanza, when I read, "...when gardens suffocate," I thought it was just some stupid forced rhyme. Fortunately, I was wrong, and this garden idea is fantastic.
They start to find the glowing red
of roses they have craved.
And as they run, I can’t believe
the way they have behaved.
But as the blizzard’s fury stops,
And melted snow reveals
I know how absence feels.
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