Dreary dreams of dark days
Daunting doubts and a doleful dirge
Mournful moans of mindless minds
Where is mercy?
Murdered last night
*
A dingy night, full of lugubrious lights
In the realm of light-less lives
*
A somber sight of sinister sounds
A girl in the distance
A ruthless ruffian
A haunted heart
*
And there he gnaws
*
A shriek arises silently aloud
A lifeless body
A hunted heart
Lies on the pavement under the dark
*
Ask me not where is the light
For I see nothing in the dark
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139,337 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
Hey mammad,
First of all I must tell you that I really liked your poem.
You've presented it really well. It is free of any typing, grammatical flaws and hence well-written. But somewhere in the middle you seem to loose direction and the rhyme scheme is clumsy at some places. You took a risk with so many alliterations, I must say! But hopefully you carried it off pretty well. And then you let go of it in the last two lines, and that was amazing!
Great work! Happy writing
-Ishita Dutt
thank you for reading and reviewing
This started off a bit...odd? To me and I know that has to do with the word choice which is what another has commented on. Otherwise, once you get past the initial start I do enjoy the feeling. There is a hurried pace to it, at least that is what I felt while I read it, that lends very well to the poem. I would imagine this being read with some vigor and emotional power.
I would be interested in reading more from you that is for certain.
thank you for reading and reviewing
Hey! ChocolateCello here!
I'm new to reviewing but I have a few comments. Over all, I really liked the poem. It tells a story very well and had a very strong tone. I would like to point out the flow though. It changes thought the poem. For example, the first paragraph/section.
"Dreary dreams of dark days
Daunting doubts and a doleful dirge
Mournful moans of mindless minds
Where is mercy?
Murdered last night"
The first three lines flow very smoothly but the last two are more on the choppy side. Now, you can write a choppy poem or a smooth poem but not both. Just making the sentences longer, (If you are looking to make a smoothly flowing poem) or adding more emotion or description to them would help.
Other than that, I thought the poem was great. Keep working on the flow!
-ChocolateCello
thank you for reading and reviewing
Hello mammad,
Myjaspercat here for a review for you...
So I really did like the idea behind this poem but it was still really weird. For one I felt like you were trying too hard with some of the language that you used, it just didn't flow right off the tongue. Which this leads me to my second point, with the overly stressed language and the few lines that are longer then the others, the pacing of your poem is also dragged down. It reads clunky and at times flows of the tongue wrong. Anyways, nice attempt and i bid you good luck. Continue writing and if you have any questions, feel free to ask. ----Myjaspercat
thank you for reading and reviewing