i open my eye, there golden glow fills the empty room but it was not a room it was something different it was something the eyes of mortals and immortals should have long forgotten it was my home it was all i could remember i knew nothing more then my home and nothing less. i live in the darkness of the world as a cast away. mortals worship me immortals fear me and even the gods wispier my name in aw for i the one who lives in the darkness of the world as i bare my punishment.i closed my eyes. how did i end up hear? what is my punishment? something happens for the first i feel something in my head, this must be pain but why do i feel it? words i do not know filled my head.
"for saving the races of the world from the gods wrath after they realized they created a world of sin and decided to destroy the world and make it better they unleashed kentar the beast god of death upon the world for three days but humanity would not go without a fight so they sent one hundred of the strongest heroes and along the heroes came a boy with the eyes of a god and a soul of a mortal wrapped in darkness barley twelve summers old was him the boy who slayed the beast god of death and consumed his immortal soul with a spear that was better called sharped stick"
what was that what just happened my thoughts spin it swirls "do you wish to be reborn? do you want a second chance?" in my confused state i barely understand but i know it is a chance i can't miss a chance to try and live a life where i can be redeemed and leave my home no i think not my home my prison "yes i wish to reborn" my voice is that of a stranger how long have i been hear to forget my one voice? "then let the cycle start anew" it was that strange voice filling my mind. light pored in to my prison and for the first time in his life the one who lives in the darkness of the world is wrapped in the light and sees the world as it truly is light and dark. i wounder what i will do with my next life i think as the light of the world starts to blind me
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well, this is really intriguing here, certainly got my attention right away here. It does have a few issues grammar wise that I won't point out for the moment, cause I generally don't, its just this one has a lot so I felt like I had to mention it, but other than those the premise here sounds awesome.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...wow, this is off to a pretty intriguing start there, we appear to be in the perspective of someone that's been cast out of the world for some reason, or at least punished by someone who I assume is more powerful than they are, but also it appears pretty much everyone in the world, including immortals and gods all seem to either fear or be in awe of this person which calls into question who imprisoned them in the first place and for what reason, and we also get a sense that we're talking about a really powerful character here which is definitely something quite interesting to consider here, so already things here are off to a pretty solid start.
Okay...so I assume that is the backstory of this trapped character here, it reads like that at any rate. It certainly seems like that's something that would make for a pretty cool story there, but that aside, a voice just whispering something like that is on one hand a little too convenient there to have someone just repeat the full backstory, it seems to only be for the benefit of the readers, but that aside, it definitely is quite mysterious which works well here.
Oooh, well this is a really cool point to end this off in, this being that was restrained is now being let out to let everything start over once again, and history appears to be set in motion to repeat itself somehow...and well that's a concept I love right there, well, this is definitely a really cool ending that you've got here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this is starting off a pretty nice note here, and it certainly seems like a story that I would like to read on here. Aaand, that's about all I've gotta say about this one for now.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Just saying, this is a comment, but because your grammar is so poor and so unappetizing visually, I am not even going to read your story. Give yourself some time to learn all the rules of grammar and then come back and post this. Don't understand me wrong, you can keep on writing, just totally polish your grammar up!Thanks!
Yes, you should continue! You should always continue, even if you leave it and then come back to it in a year. I think this is a very interesting story. I especially like this clever line: It was something the eyes of mortals and immortals should have long forgotten. At first I thought this was based on Greek/Roman mythology, but when you introduced the god of death I got the idea that you're creating your own world. Is this true? If it is, well done and one hundred high fives! It's difficult to create your own world, but once you do it's amazing because it's completely your own and no one can say you copied off another author.
You said that you're working on your grammar, so I won't point out those mistakes. Just make sure that you come back and fix them once you're confident. I found a spelling mistake here: How did i end up hear? It should be spelt 'here' not 'hear'. Otherwise the grammar is the only thing that needs to be fixed.
I look forward to reading the first chapter! I'd love it if you could let me know when you've written it.
thanks for the review i have had the idea to create this book for a long time going to be a few days before i start the first chapter because of school work but i'm excited to start it.
Hiya malacrim!
I am very intrigued by the idea of the main character being an outcast between mortals and immortals. I am however very picky about grammar and punctuation. First off, there are no capitols at the beginning of any sentences, but you could just be writing this as you thought it. I would love to see this story as it is fully described with its first chapter. If this is an idea, you could expand on the transitions like "Suddenly...." or "Then..." or "After that..". This will help the story flow together more so the reader gets an idea of what the story is about. I like the middle where it tells that story, i assume is the main characters. I love this idea and really want to see where you end up taking it! I will definitely read it! I also love your writing style!
thanks DatDreamWeaver i will work on grammar more and for the first chapter it's going to be his new life or second chance but he will start of young. so the first chapter will be setting the story up better. this has a hint of how the story will happen and to show you what happened in his old life and his punishment for killing a God.
I can't wait to read it! It is such an interesting idea!