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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
The repetition at the beginning is good, actually, it leads up to something nicely, but only when it's leading up to something. Like people before me have said, this poem doesn't seem to really have a proper ending.
You've got nice imagery, and the concept of the poem, while done before, is good, but things seem a bit elongated.
Here's what I mean. These two stanzas would benefit greatly from having the last line of each chopped off. You're explaining too much in each one. While it may not be obvious that she is waiting for relief, there is no real reason to know this and it makes the reader feel as if there is too much information, spoiling the effect. "But then decide against it" just sounds out of place and stand-out, even if it wasn't too much info.
~Aet
The one thing that takes away from the piece is definetely the pattern. You start out with a lot of short lines, but at some point it instantly changes to longer lines. It makes it feel like two poems taped together, and it doesn't do too well for itself.
Aside from that, I love the piece. Keep up the good work, and have a nice day!
Hi. Nice work, here.
I think that if you branched out from just describing this and add more, it'd be much better. Also, maybe keep the lines a little more the same length? Also, capitalize your every line--it's still writing, and in writing you do what--capitalize! So, just remember that. Good job and good luck on future poems!
-Mizzle
Tata!
Hey there!
I think, as people have said, that it would be nice if here you branched out from just describing this, to exploring this. Go deeper than just the surface, and see what else you can find to write about on this subject. The idea of sadness is vast, so perhaps instead of broadly describing some of it, you can narrow it down a lot, and explore significant emotions that tie in with the central plot of your story. How does that sound?
~Amy
Nice, I liked it. Im not very good with English and all but when i read it, it kind of sounded flat. You know, not with a lot of emotion. My suggestion would be to choose your words wisely. But other than that, I liked it.
Hi Makar!
Now sadness, is a theme everyone explores at sometime. Even I wrote a poem about sadness and well I was happy with it. xD
First thing, your spacing is a little disconcerting but that is a personal choice and little errors is a quick fix, it mostly has to do with capitalization.
Try your best to make it neat and free of those little problems, I find them horribly distracting. The changes I made are in bold, and things I'd like to mention later are underlined
Okay, now onto mentions:
Not quite a creative imagery, this is a simple phrase that can be interchanged with poetry and prose, and is basic in what it wants to get across. I personally don't like this phrase because it creates a strange image for me (one like this emoticon >
But think about why she is crying, think of a better word for puffy.
For example: Puffy can become tumid, swollen, enlarged, and distended.
I like to think a thesaurus is a poet's best friend against cliches.
The underlined part isn't great, it's harsh sounding and cuts off the stanza too soon.
Another interchangeable phrase, really basic and drab. Find something new and colourful! Don't be afraid to make phrases and pull them out of thin air. What's the worst that could happen? Have it not make sense. But it's all good when you're working to improve.
Send me a PM if you have any questions.
Kamas
Makar,
If they build up to a climax, then this is good, but I felt as if we were climbing, up and up towards emptiness -- and I don't mean this in the way that the poem's words had this effect on me, dear.
This wasn't bad. As I read through this (bearing in mind that I read this a few times and let it sit before I chose to critique it), I felt that there was too much distance between the words and the emotions you were trying to connect them to, so as a result, I got the feeling of being disconnected from this.
The theme of sadness is common -- I won't say that it's cliche (because everything has the potential to be a cliche; it's all in the way you present it), but it's not interest grabbing.
In the beginning, I felt that you were narrating events to us. Don't get me wrong! You were, and this isn't bad.
I think you should try to bring more into this poem. To explore sadness without reason is like rain with no clouds -- we need it to work. You may understand the hurt and feel behind this all, but your audience is left with a struggle to understand.
Hope that helped! anything I can do to help, you know where to find me.
June