At the playground,
“Guys I am here,” said Anik. He was late as usual.
“Yei how lucky we are, His Highness finally decided to show up,” Topu said sarcastically. In return, he got a glare from Anik and everyone bursts out laughing.
“Ok guys enough fooling around,” said Zayan.
“We should start with our plan for this trip,” said Tuli.
“So I was thinking we should start our journey next Friday at around 7 Am,” said Rohan.
“Well, that sounds good. We can avoid traffic jam also if we start in the morning.”
“Well we should start packing then,” said Nitu.
“Yeah, that won’t be as hard I guess. Getting permission was one of a thing.”
“You said it. I don’t know why but my mom wouldn’t just let me go there which was weird. She never says no to me.” said Anik.
The next few days they remain quite busy. They had started packing since the day they planned the trip. They all were very excited about the trip. But their mothers seemed to be a little unhappy. The day before Friday as Zayan and Tuli were remembering their plan for the next day their mother came in.
“What are you two doing?” asked their mother in a worried voice.
“Nothing, mom. Just re-checking the plan.” Said Zayan.
Suddenly their mother’s face changed a bit and she looked quite tired.
“Mom, are you feeling ill?” asked Tuli after looking at her mother’s face.
“No, dear. It’s just…oh, are you two sure that you will be okay without me?”
They both looked taken aback.
“Mom, why are you asking us this question? You and dad gave us permission to go.” Said Zayan being surprised.
I know, dear. I don’t know why, but I am feeling a little anxious about you two. I never felt like that before when you were away from me to stay at your friend’s house. But going out of town with your friends is just making me worried.”
“Oh, mom! We know that you are worried because we are going out of town without you for the first time. But don’t worry mom. We will be alright.” Said Tuli affectionately.
They both hugged their mother tightly.
“we love you, mom.”
“I love you too, dear.”
The next morning, they all gathered at the playground with their parents. Rohan’s driver is also ready with their car. He is putting their luggage inside the car.
“Be careful, dear. And don’t do any mischiefs. If something goes wrong, call us immediately.” Said Rohan’s mother.
“Ok, mom.” Said Rohan.
“Topu take care of yourself and your sister. Don’t eat unhygienic foods. And also don’t eat too much, okay?” said Topu’s mother.
“Yes, mom.” Replied Topu being slightly embarrassed.
“And Nitu, dear. Take care of yourself.”
“I will, mom.”
Anik’s mother just hugged her son tightly and said nothing.
Then Rohan’s mother turned to their driver and said,
“Listen, drive carefully and make sure the kids reach there safely. Call me as soon as you reach there.”
The driver nodded and got into the car.
They bade their parents goodbye and started their journey.
After a journey of 5 hours or more, they reached Sylhet.
“Sylhet is a beautiful place, isn’t it?” said Nitu.
“Yes, it is.” Said Tuli.
“Uncle, how long will it take to reach there?” asked Nitu.
“Well, I don’t know exactly where the place is,” replied Rohan’s driver.
“But you have GPS. Don’t you?” said Anik.
“Yes. But the problem is the GPS is not showing the Nil Kuthi Zamindar Bari. However, its showing other zamindar house which are now guesthouses.”
“Well, then we must ask someone.” Said Rohan.
“Yes, I will ask after we reach the place.”
Points:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Hello again!
I'll try not to mention anything your other reviewers have said before. I know I'm very late on this >.< I started working so I don't have as much computer time as I did before. But, moving on!
It's obvious that you have a strong sense of your characters. They all have really distinct personalities that I feel like you could really expand on. You don't seem to be much for setting or descriptions though, which brings me to my next point! I think your story would really excel as a script. When writing a script, you focus mainly on dialogue and character direction. I can't give you specifics since I'm not a script writer myself, but you should check it out! This already reads much like a script, so I think the switch would be easy for you. Have you ever thought of this being a movie instead of a book?
Aside from that, I really thought we were going to make it to the haunted house in this chapter. I'm a little disappointed that we didn't make it there yet, and I'm afraid your pacing might be too slow. It was a quick read, and a lot of conversations happened but, in the end, we didn't go anywhere. I wouldn't be saying this if something of extreme importance happened here, but it didn't.
Well, we did get to see how caring and protective the mom character is - what's her name? It's nice that we got to see another side of her, especially since she was very against the idea of the kids taking the trip in the first place. It's like seeing her soft side.
That's all I have to say here! It was a short piece and I don't want to ramble. Let me know what you think about my suggestion of making this a script. You know I'll be beyond happy to help you out if you choose that route :3
Thanks for your review.
I will be really glad to take help from you. You know I don't write English novels. So, it's so difficult for me to stick to one story properly. I am a bit confused.
Can you give me some advice on how I should finish the chapter or write the descriptions?
Thanks again!
Hi there!
I have two main suggestions for you today.
Cut down on "small talk" dialogue.
So in real life people say a lot of kind of boring things or things that might be interesting to them but aren't that interesting to other people. A lot of writers start off including this kind of speech, because they think it makes the story more realistic. But a story shouldn't be real life word-for-word; it should kind of be shorthand, a brief glimpse of real life. So for example, this line:
That's a really good line of dialogue, because it characterizes Topu as a snarky character and sums up his relationship with Anik.
This part, on the other hand:
This just tells us the characters' plans in the most straightforward way possible. You've probably heard the rule "show, don't tell," which is important but not always actually what you want to do. In this case, you don't need to show us the characters having this conversation, because it's not that emotionally charged/not that interesting. Instead, you can summarize it, or tell us what they decided, like this.
"They decided to leave at seven a.m. on Friday so they would beat the morning traffic. They all went home and started packing - tedious, but this was the easy part. The hard part had been getting their parents' permission. Even Anik's mom had been reluctant to let him go, despite the fact that she never denied him anything."
So of course it doesn't need to be exactly like that, but that's an example of how to summarize dialogue that might not be that interesting to readers if you feel like it still needs to be said.
Add more description.
I'm curious about this place they're going, because their mothers are all so worried about sending them off - even though Rohan's uncle is apparently there driving them. This makes me feel like the place in question must be mysterious or dangerous, but I have no idea what it looks like or even what the surrounding countryside looks like! You have a lot of dialogue in this chapter, which is fine but should be balanced with narration and description. Right now, the characters are kind of drifting around on the page; I can't picture anything at all.
You don't need to describe every last little detail of what every person and setting look like, but you can at least give the readers a nod to the setting by adding details like "they were driving through a dimly-lit forest" or "they finally reached their destination, a big, rundown house that looked like it belonged in a horror movie" or whatever.
Write on!
Oh! Thank you very much for your review.
It was a nice piece of advice. I will keep all that in mind.
Thanks again.
Hello, maishaywca. I am here to provide you a review. Let’s get started, shall we?
I. PLOT SO FAR
Okay, even though this whole chapter is mainly dialogue, I still understood what was happening so far. The group was planning the trip and now they are ready to go. They reached their destination and boom, chapter ended. It seems to me that the chapter seemed rushed, but I am sure the storyline is going to be mainly about the haunted house anyways. I just wished that there was a little more to this chapter than just dialogue.
II. NIPICKS & STUFF
I think you meant They had been packing since the day they planned the trip
Simple mistake. It can easily be edited.
You should’ve added a little more context between Zayan, Tuli, and their mother. You stated that the mother is anxious of them being away from her for the first time, but the way you portrayed that scene in the chapter seemed a bit stale. Also, the place they are going to be is called Sylhet. You should described the characters’ surrounding of the place. You say it’s a beautiful place, like does the place have like for example, rich green grass or a beautiful sunset?
III. OVERALL
Overall, I think this chapter needs a bit of work. You only added mainly dialogue, which is fine but the connection between the two and their mother should have been more emotional. Also, when the characters in general are going to be somewhere for a long time, you should describe what kind of place it is. I think you should re-read this, proofread it then re-publish. Don’t get me wrong, I love the plot of the story, but this chapter, the way it is portrayed, I am not hooked onto this chapter. I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh, and if it does, I do apologize. I just don’t want to sugarcoat anything. Keep it up and keep writing! Enjoy the rest of your day. Looking forward to the next chapter.
- Kanome
Thank you for the review.
When I wrote the chapter, it also occurred to me that the chapter is too short. However, I still working on it. I will try to make the points you advised.
Thanks again. And you didn't sound harsh!
I *am
@Nobunaga
Thank you! I will get to this soon! I just started work so I haven't had the time until now :3