After a long-suffering month, the nightmare was over, EXAM. Finally, we can have some time to relax and have fun. I am Zayan. Me and my friends are the naughty gang of our college. The whole morning, I was home passing the hours doing nothing which is really weird. And then I heard my mom calling my name. Then I lazily went down and answered my call. “Zainie” was all I could hear then my ears went slightly deaf. “Oh, hey, Nerdy,” I said sarcastically. “Hey don’t call me that,” Anik said. “Well, you started it” I retort. “Oh, ok, sorry. Now listen. I and the others are planning to go on a trip. You and Tuli wanna hop in with us?”
“Oh, umm…sure but first let me ask Tuli if she wants to come.”
“Ok. Meet us at the playground at 4:30, yeah?”
“Sure,” I muttered and ended the call.
“Hey! Tultul, me and the lads are thinking to go somewhere. Do you wanna join us?”
“Umm… is Nitu going too?” she asked.
“Maybe, I mean Topu is coming, so yeah.”
“Ok then, I am coming.”
“Ok, whatever. Get ready, we have a discussion at 4:30.”
At the playground,
it was 4:30. Everyone gathered around their usual meeting place. Topu said, “Hi Zayan. Hi Tuli, glad you could make it.”
“Yeah, Me too!” said Nitu.
Rohan said, “So guys, what have you decided about the trip?”
Topu said, “Shall we go to some tourist place?”
“But guys I have got another plan. I saw an article today in the newspaper that there is an abundant house which is thought to be haunted but the Government has made it a guest house. So I was thinking if we could go there. I think it will be fun.”
“Well I don’t think it’s a good idea!” said Rohan.
“Oh, come on you scardy cat! It’s not really haunted. By the way, it will be fun.” Said Zayan.
“Umm... brother, I don’t think we should go there. Besides, you don’t want to make spirits angry, do you?” Tuli said.
“Oh, please, you too! There is no spirit there. These are only stories made by people. So, we are going there and that’s final.” Said Zayan.
“yeah,” said others in unison.
“No!” the reply of Zayan’s mom when he asked her to let them go to the trip.
“But, mom…”
“I said no. How could you even think that I will let you both go with friends all alone?”
“We are not alone. Rohan’s driver is…”
“DRIVER!! Is he a guardian?”
“Mom, we are seventeen. Besides, we are not kids anymore.”
“You are not even adults!”
“Oh, mom!”
“I said no and that’s it.”
Zayan left the place dishearteningly.
“Did mom gave you permission?” asked Tuli.
“No.” said Zayan in a duh voice.
“You know how mom is. I told you she wouldn’t give permission.”
“Why don’t you go and try?”
“Are you crazy? You think mom will give me permission after she forbade you?”
“Umm…That’s right.”
“I have an idea” said Zayan after some time of thinking, “Why don’t we take permission from dad? If he gives permission, mom won’t say anything.”
“Yeah, that’s a good idea. But who will go to dad?”
“You go. He listens to you all the time.”
“Umm…Ok. If it’s about asking dad then count me in.”
That night…
“Dad! May I come in?”
“Oh, Tuli, yes my dear.”
“Umm…I needed to ask you something.”
“Yes, what is it?”
“Brother, his friends and I are planning to go to Sylhet to spend our holidays. So, we need your permission.”
“Permission?”
“Yes dad, please. Mom is not letting us to go.”
“Who else will be with you guys?”
“Well, Rohan’s driver will be with us.”
“Oh.”
Dad thought something and then said, “Okay. You can go. But be careful.”
“Oh, thanks, dad. You are the best!”
Tuli was about to leave the room when mom entered.
“Getting permission from dad, huh?”
“Oh dear let them go.”
“Do you know they are going all alone with no one there to look after them?”
“I know. But it’s not like they are little anymore. They are big enough to look after themselves.”
“Oh, alright you can go. Happy now?”
“Yay, thanks mom.” Tuli said with a big smile and left.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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I know I always miss stories and I mostly needed enough points, but I'll be honest. Sometimes it is general that a story has a little bit of grumpy mother. I haven't read the other chapters yet (because didn't had time), but I have a feeling if Zayan's mother knows something about the place where Zayan's group goes (sounds protective). I wonder where this guest house is located, forest or city or somewhere, but I'll have a look when I can
. It was easy to follow as it's mostly dialogues, but sometimes I wasn't sure who was talking. Like at the playground, there were Nitu, Topu, Rohan (lol, I love that name), Tultul, Tuli and Zayan. Or was it Zainie? I guess it's maybe like Pete as Peter, If I'm not wrong. Wait, was Anik there too? Wow, Zayan must be a lucky person to have a lot of friends. Reason why I can remember all 13 dwarves in The Hobbit is because it felt like a lyric of some kind.
I also wonder why the driver is not coming to talk or... anything. Feels suspicious if mother's instincts are right.
Thanks for your review.
I am trying to write a few lines about the place. Zayn and zainie are the same person.
Hello!
I like the idea of these kids going to this haunted house. I think they might be in for a big fright when they get there. I was a bit surprised to find out that they were only six years old. Whenever I was first reading, I thought they'd all be teenagers. It's nice to see a story with some characters that aren't in highschool - that gets a bit old sometimes. I don't think I've read anything with such young main characters!
The first thing that I want to mention is that all-caps. That's not usually something that is accepted in writing, so I would change it to italics.
Next, there's a lot of dialogue here! While that's not particularly a bad thing, it was very hard to follow who was speaking. There's also nothing here that really explains the relationships between the characters, so I would have liked to see some more background on our group of friends. I know two of our characters are brothers, but I couldn't name them, I'm afraid.
Also, I think it might be good to space out some of that dialogue with some descriptive paragraphs.
The last thing I have to say is that, in the beginning, you say
but then the rest of the story doesn't stick to that first person point of view. That's kind of confusing to read, so I would advise that you choose between one or the other. Don't feel too bad though! I've switched to different point of view's in my story too. I didn't even notice until someone pointed it out!
Well, that's all I really have for you. Just try and make the distinction between characters more clear and maybe give us readers some more description in your next part!
Thanks for your review.
Actually, I made a mistake. They are all 17! Two of them are 16 and 15.
And I wrote this in a different style. The first para was about Zayan. It won't repeat again. It's just a different style of starting a story.
Thanks again.
Oooh okay. Well that makes sense! Let me know whenever you post the second chapter okay :3
ok.
Hello, maishaywca. I am here to provide you a review. Let’s get started, shall we?
I. Characters
You seem to have a lot of characters at your disposal. They’re all six years old and planning on going somewhere on their own? Sounds unsafe to me I must say, so we shall see what this story takes us when they plan to go on this little adventure of theirs.
As for the character development, you haven’t described what your characters even look like. Imagery, friend, imagery. Very important aspect when it comes to writing novels.
It seems like your main character of this story is Zayan. Sounds like an interesting character. Your typical school kid, but what is this about taking exams? Six years old taking exams? What kind of school are they going to?
II. Nitpicks and Stuff
You already stated that the exam is already a nightmare. No need to state it twice in the same paragraph. Also, since you mention that the exams are a nightmare, the hate is pretty much there. You implied that the character does not like taking exams at the end of the school year. ( The six year old taking exam thing is mind-boggling. I will never understand this concept. )
You mean Me and my friends are the naughty gang of our college.
Also, I just had to see this line and not noticed what it said. So six year olds are in college? Are they that smart?
You never mentioned how they are in college.
The rest of the chapter is just mainly dialogue. You could’ve used the chapter as way to explain who everyone is, what they look like, how they were in college ( I don’t know that right now so hopefully you are able to explain that to me? ), and their personalities.
This work might need to be tweaked.
III. Overall
Overall, the concept of the story is good, but this needs a lot work. Maybe in your future chapters, you can use the tips in this review as reference. The beginning of the chapter needs to be edited and revised, because it will not leave the reader hooked… I am not saying this is a bad story. Like I said, the concept itself is good. It has great potential, but the way you are portraying the story needs to be worked on. Make sure you carefully plan out your storyline, and develop your characters and settings more. Simplicity is good, but you can be a little more complex. Show your readers how your story is unique and can get us hooked into it.
Keep it up, you have great potential as a writer. Hope this review helps!
Keep writing!
- Kanome
Thanks for your review.
I think there is a mistake. They are not at all 6 years old...They are 17!
I will add some points about the personality and other things you advised.
Thanks again. It was really useful.
Oh that makes sense now. Thank you for clearing that up xD
For real, I thought they were all six.
Hehe... my mistake!