Hey there! This is a pretty old poem, but here I am c:
I think you have some really unique metaphors and comparisons. The whole topic of this poem is quite unique itself. I think the playing your brain like a flute is a weird but clever comparison, and it fits since the topic of this poem is odd itself. I love it! xD I also love the idea of "droplets of insanity." I have a few things I'd like to point out if you don't mind. These are just suggestions, so you don't have to listen to them if you don't want to!
The first thing I'd like to. mention is capitalization. You capitalized your first "I" but the second "I" you didn't in this line
i want ravaging panda bears
Since you didn't capitalize anything else at all, you could uncapitalize the first "I" or just capitalize your "I"s
The next thing I'd like to mention is you punctuation. You have no punctuation at all, but I think there are some places where a period would be nice. Since you have none at all, the lines and sentences sort of run into each other. Punctuation is a stylistic choice, but I'll go ahead and show you where I would put punctuation.
I want to drill holes in my head
and play my brain like a flute.
i want ravaging panda bears
to skip on a pond and
dance to the beat of my broken bones.
this salad of words I wish to devourer
has bound to me in this darkest hour.
time is spinning around me thumbs
causing my skin to go pale and numb.
droplets of insanity are
dripping in my mind.
If you wanted, you could even separate this poem into stanzas, one way being where I put the periods, but this poem works fine without stanzas since it's on the smaller side!
this salad of words I wish to devourer
I believe you meant "this salad of words I wish to devour"
time is spinning around me thumbs
I believe you meant "time is spinning around my thumbs"
Also, while reviewing, I've noticed you have some rhymes in some places, but you don't have a consistent rhyme scheme. I think having a consistent rhyme throughout this piece would be really nice. Since this is a shorter poem, I think it would really enhance the poem.
Overall, I love this poem. It's quite unique! I enjoyed reading it, and I hope this helped!
I'm going to copy this and hang somewhere in my room if you don't mind.
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Reviews: 465
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