I want to drill holes in my head
and play my brain like a flute
i want ravaging panda bears
to skip on a pond and
dance to the beat of my broken bones
this salad of words I wish to devourer
has bound to me in this darkest hour
time is spinning around me thumbs
causing my skin to go pale and numb
droplets of insanity are
dripping in my mind
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hey there! This is a pretty old poem, but here I am c:
I think you have some really unique metaphors and comparisons. The whole topic of this poem is quite unique itself. I think the playing your brain like a flute is a weird but clever comparison, and it fits since the topic of this poem is odd itself. I love it! xD I also love the idea of "droplets of insanity." I have a few things I'd like to point out if you don't mind. These are just suggestions, so you don't have to listen to them if you don't want to!
The first thing I'd like to. mention is capitalization. You capitalized your first "I" but the second "I" you didn't in this line
Since you didn't capitalize anything else at all, you could uncapitalize the first "I" or just capitalize your "I"s
The next thing I'd like to mention is you punctuation. You have no punctuation at all, but I think there are some places where a period would be nice. Since you have none at all, the lines and sentences sort of run into each other. Punctuation is a stylistic choice, but I'll go ahead and show you where I would put punctuation.
If you wanted, you could even separate this poem into stanzas, one way being where I put the periods, but this poem works fine without stanzas since it's on the smaller side!
I believe you meant "this salad of words I wish to devour"
I believe you meant "time is spinning around my thumbs"
Also, while reviewing, I've noticed you have some rhymes in some places, but you don't have a consistent rhyme scheme. I think having a consistent rhyme throughout this piece would be really nice. Since this is a shorter poem, I think it would really enhance the poem.
Overall, I love this poem. It's quite unique! I enjoyed reading it, and I hope this helped!
Hee hee this made me laugh, this is a very good poem in my ohpinion. I unterstand its point and the ryhming and rythem were great
I'm going to copy this and hang somewhere in my room if you don't mind.
though i can see it should be in the 'other poetry' forum, it also has a distant sense of being dramatic poetry.
But i di think it was really cool and slightly weird....
Hmm not bad. I found it kind of pointless, and that can be good sometimes, but this wasn't hugely interesting. Cute though. Nice job.
Ha ha!!! I love the line about the dancing polar bears.
fun stuff...
It's pretty short, but to the point, and, besides which, it's pretty good. Kinda confusing, but you eventually get it and go 'oh!' It's cool