I have no idea how long I had been walking then again I didn’t even know who I was or how I got into this desert, I knew was that if I stopped and laid down I wouldn’t get back up, so I kept walking. I walk until the sun beat on my back so heavily it felt like my skin was going to melt of my bones. Finally I fell into the white hot sand, I have no idea how long I lay there, suddenly I heard foot steps “praise the gods iv been saved” I shouted, then I looked up, and there standing in front of my was.............. death. “I see, make it a fast” I lowered my head and closed my eyes, something hit the ground, I looked up and there was a bottle of water “get up and follow me” what other choice did I have, I drank the water and followed, after all only a fool argues with death.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is an interesting one. As far as first chapters go, this is not the sort of thing that you expect to see normally, because generally the protagonist is not at the point of death, or at the very least if they are, they're usually going to survive somehow, but here it seems we've got death themself coming down to get this hero here to travel to the land of death.
It definitely does a wonderful job of getting our attention though, and it also serves as a lovely bit of a cliffhanger which is the perfect way to end a first chapter, because now us readers are going to find it very difficult to not turn that page and read the next chapter just to see how this would go.
Besides that situation, the way you set up the surroundings here is also quite nice. Its not the most detailed but given the size of this piece that makes a lot of sense and despite the lack of detail it does manage to get across the vibe that it attempts to get across and does it pretty well too. You can see why this person would collapse so easily and accept death.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
here is the prequel
I am so tired……..tired of morals, tired of hate, tired of sanity, tired of blood lust, tired of judgment, tired of corruption, tired of saving people, tired of punishing crimes, tire of power, tired of life. how I wish I could forget, forget the lies, forget the truth, forget about anger, forget about death……..it has been so long since I slept, it has been so long since iv dreamt, I wonder if I am going mad, it seams like what ever I do to fight the darkness, it just comes back stronger and more eager for the fight and when I ever I fight the light I wind up fighting a different kind of darkness.
They both lie and they both cheat, well I’m tired of fighting for them. . I have seen both sides the righteous become what they were trying to destroy and the wicked…..well there just madmen and fools.
When I was young I craved power, I craved it to the point I become a demon, what a fool I was, so eager to destroy, so eager to give up my humanity just for a taste of power, just for a taste of evil, again I remind the reader I was a fool, I had know idea of what price I would pay for power, nor did I care, I was too enamored with my own pride but then I met him, he was also tired, but he was tired of the gods tired of there ambitions, tired of there wars, tired of there excuses. He saved me from my self, and he became a god, the bleeding king my master, he finally showed me the truth, he showed me that I was but a pawn, so then I quested for revenge against both sides, i would be a force the fight against righteous and the wicked. and so i fought until one day I felt the presence of some one mysterious, some one interesting, some one powerful, “and here I thought all the dreamers were dead…… this will need all of my attention“
the next introduces some real plot and you find out the main characters name
I agree, attempt to write more when you post your story.
It seems a little too fast-paced and random. Try to get the atmosphere going a little more; set it more efficiently, use imagery if you have to. I can see little traces of imagery, but it really seemed below average and didn't keep my attention that well.
Work on your pagraphing. You did not separate ideas very well, and try to skip lines between different people's dialouge.
Look at your first two sentences. Their tenses don't seem to agree with each other.
I also advise you to read over your work and study commas! Your punctuation was terrible.
I like that line.
Mm . . . I will try to fix that last sentence up a little bit:
What other choice did I have? I hastily drank the water and followed, because, after all, only a fool argues with death.
Overall, this COULD develop to be interesting, but your punctuation and basic structure needs work.
Hey, it's pretty good, just next time, post a litle bit more, mkay?
It makes it easier to critique.
this is a chain of short stories, there are about 10 parts so far. you know this should probably be in the fantasy section now that i think about it.