Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi!! I come from the future. 15 years in the future to be exact. Leaving a review as part of an ongoing mission to ensure that every story has a minimum of two reviews.
First Impression: Well.....that was....unexpected. Quite a surprising story there. Definitely not an idea that I've read about before. It was a little too fast paced to fully understand what was going on but there was some pretty decent description.
Anyway let's get to it,
It all started one evening I was just getting sober(I had been binge drinking) only the gods know how long I had been out, I was in a ally way, sitting in a puddle of…..you don’t want to know what I was sitting in, there was a broken bottle of scotch sitting next to me, my head felt like it had been hit with a semi truck , I only had the clothes on me, and some soggy cigarette. My stomach roared in hunger, I was starving. I began to walk in search of food, as I walked I saw all kinds of strange creatures, all speaking languages I could not understand, as I walked past a large group of fish like things I heard a phone ringing. I went up to the phone hoping that some speaking my language would be on the other line’
So here's what I mean by too fast paced. This could have been shown in way more detail than this. We could have been told of the sort of emotions that our protagonist here is feeling. That sort of thing would make this have soo much more of an impact that just telling us this like it's something that happens every day.
“we are sorry the number you have dilled is out of serves”
That should be dialed.
“oh well in that case WILD DEMONIC PIGS WILL DEVOUR YOUR”
Best line right there.
suddenly the ground started to Trimble a giant telephone pole erupted from the ground and a giant centipede crawled up it.
He the spoke “you can find food through that door” he point behind me
There was a big glowing neon sign that said “THAT DOOR” on it and had an arrow pointing to a door
Well that was very sudden although there the pacing isn't that bad.
Aaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: As the start to a story this sure does raise a lot of questions and make you want to read on just to understand what's going on with these centipedes and fish not to mention the demonic flying pigs. Besides that you have missed a lot of capital letters that I won't point out because they are missing in almost every sentence. As for he pacing as I said earlier it is too fast. The setting of the story is also quite unclear. There also appears to be only a minimal amount of characterization although the characterization part isn't that big fof a deal for a first chapter.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
No offense, but it seems very rushed and almost dream-like. IMHO lengthening this and fleshing it out with some description and genuine characterisation would do it the world of good.
Points: 254163
Reviews: 4102
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