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True trickery is false(part one)(Over 13)

by magusthemad


True trickery is false(part one)

I am no hero, I am no saint, hell even antagonists would back away in revulsion from the mere mention of my name . I am a horrible drunk and a terrible smoker who would sell his own grand mother for a piece of lint. This is my story……….if your still reading this may the gods take mercy on your poor soul. I swear to you that although this story is unbelievable, ever word of it is true…..ok I lied but then again do you the reader really care, of coarse you don’t you want me to shut the hell up and get to the dam story.

It all started one evening I was just getting sober(I had been binge drinking) only the gods know how long I had been out, I was in a ally way, sitting in a puddle of…..you don’t want to know what I was sitting in, there was a broken bottle of scotch sitting next to me, my head felt like it had been hit with a semi truck , I only had the clothes on me, and some soggy cigarette. My stomach roared in hunger, I was starving. I began to walk in search of food, as I walked I saw all kinds of strange creatures, all speaking languages I could not understand, as I walked past a large group of fish like things I heard a phone ringing. I went up to the phone hoping that some speaking my language would be on the other line’

“we are sorry the number you have dilled is out of serves”

“but I wasn’t calling anyone” I said

“oh well in that case WILD DEMONIC PIGS WILL DEVOUR YOUR”

I hung up before I could finish, as I walked away from the phone I said to my self

“it really is going to be one of those days”

I walked and walked, but I finally succumbed to the hunger, I cried out to the heavens

“where can I find some food”

suddenly the ground started to Trimble a giant telephone pole erupted from the ground and a giant centipede crawled up it.

He the spoke “you can find food through that door” he point behind me

There was a big glowing neon sign that said “THAT DOOR” on it and had an arrow pointing to a door

“is that normal I asked”

the centipede just stared at me, and the finally said

“son do I look normal to you?”


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Sat Jul 18, 2020 3:34 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi!! I come from the future. 15 years in the future to be exact. Leaving a review as part of an ongoing mission to ensure that every story has a minimum of two reviews.

First Impression: Well.....that was....unexpected. Quite a surprising story there. Definitely not an idea that I've read about before. It was a little too fast paced to fully understand what was going on but there was some pretty decent description.

Anyway let's get to it,

It all started one evening I was just getting sober(I had been binge drinking) only the gods know how long I had been out, I was in a ally way, sitting in a puddle of…..you don’t want to know what I was sitting in, there was a broken bottle of scotch sitting next to me, my head felt like it had been hit with a semi truck , I only had the clothes on me, and some soggy cigarette. My stomach roared in hunger, I was starving. I began to walk in search of food, as I walked I saw all kinds of strange creatures, all speaking languages I could not understand, as I walked past a large group of fish like things I heard a phone ringing. I went up to the phone hoping that some speaking my language would be on the other line’


So here's what I mean by too fast paced. This could have been shown in way more detail than this. We could have been told of the sort of emotions that our protagonist here is feeling. That sort of thing would make this have soo much more of an impact that just telling us this like it's something that happens every day.

“we are sorry the number you have dilled is out of serves”


That should be dialed.

“oh well in that case WILD DEMONIC PIGS WILL DEVOUR YOUR”


Best line right there.

suddenly the ground started to Trimble a giant telephone pole erupted from the ground and a giant centipede crawled up it.

He the spoke “you can find food through that door” he point behind me

There was a big glowing neon sign that said “THAT DOOR” on it and had an arrow pointing to a door


Well that was very sudden although there the pacing isn't that bad.

Aaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: As the start to a story this sure does raise a lot of questions and make you want to read on just to understand what's going on with these centipedes and fish not to mention the demonic flying pigs. Besides that you have missed a lot of capital letters that I won't point out because they are missing in almost every sentence. As for he pacing as I said earlier it is too fast. The setting of the story is also quite unclear. There also appears to be only a minimal amount of characterization although the characterization part isn't that big fof a deal for a first chapter.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon Sep 10, 2007 1:03 am
bubblewrapped wrote a review...



Um. Yeah.

Assuming this is intended as a serious story, you have a long way to go. Firstly, check your spelling and punctuation. There are a lot of errors here. Secondly, format - please divide paragraphs properly.

Other than that, I really think you should ease off on the ellipses and perhaps scrap the self-analysis at the beginning. It doesnt do the story any favours. I think the main thing you should work on is making it concrete enough that the reader doesnt feel like they've been dropped into someone's private drug trip ;) No offense, but it seems very rushed and almost dream-like. IMHO lengthening this and fleshing it out with some description and genuine characterisation would do it the world of good.

Cheers,
~bubbles





Some call me a legacy, others call me a hero. But I assure you, dear admirers, I am only human.
— Persistence