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The unnamed story part 2

by magusthemad


(where in our hero find out more about death then he would like to know)

Where was I, I tried to remember something anything, but the only thing I could remember was walking in the hot sand and meeting death. I guess I should have counted my self lucky, few people meet death and live to talk about it.

“why did you spare my life?” I asked death”

“it was not yet your time”

“what do you mean by YET?

“I cant answerer that the gods have decreed that I can not tell any mortal when there going to die”

I was worried until after we had walk for about an hour, I noticed something odd, there was a small bottle tide to the handle of deaths scythe.

“what is that?” I asked him(or her I really have no idea, I could not see deaths face, it was blocked by a piece of cloth all I could see were deaths red eyes)

“whisky” death replied

“whisky?”

“yes, well you see an eternity of endless killing has made me a very depressed creature, so I drink to dull me senses, the only problem is I cant hold me liquor so ever once and a wile I get to drunk that it causes plagues and natural disasters, killing thousands, and well I get so up set, that I drink even more, and then kill, and then drink and etc”

“then stop drinking” I pled

“I cant the killing makes me to depressed so I drink to forget about it and then kill some more it’s a vicious cycle but that’s just how it is”

even though death had told me it was not my time I still was very worried

“tell me mortal what is your name?”

“I do not know, I cant remember anything, except walking in the sand and meeting you”

“maybe you have amnesia”

“I guess it’s a possibility”

“well id rather not just refer to you as guy, can you remember any names”

“ well…………wait a minute its death supposed to be all knowing?”

“I know only what the dead know”

“so why cant you tell me who I am”

“because I don’t know who you are, I just met you, now then think hard can you remember anything”

I thought to myself and then out of the blue I remembered a name, but some how I knew it was not my name”

“Narotsky Carter” I said

death stopped in his(or her) tracks

“that was the name of the last dreamer”

death turned to me and examined me

“ah I see some one erased your memories”

“what?, who would do such a thing?”

“many have the ability to do it but I do not know who did it to you”

we continued to walk, at that moment I realized something

“you know all this time I haven’t asked you where we are going”

“I am going to a place in the sand you can come along, but be warned it is in a dangerous place, I sense that something big is about to happen there”

we finally arrived at the main gate, that’s when thing started to get weird


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403 Reviews


Points: 35511
Reviews: 403

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Mon Sep 09, 2019 5:10 am
EditorAndPerks wrote a review...



Howdy there! I figured I would step in to this quite old work this Review Month and give some well-deserved advice! I may leave this review fairly short but I hope it would have proved helpful back in 2005. :}

My initial thoughts are that although I haven’t read the first part, I’m quite perplexed by what this story is meant to be about. If this main character is this actual amazing, powerful, important being but doesn’t remember, then I find that interesting enough to go off of. The theory here would be that if the reader is told at the very beginning of a prophecy lost to the time or something but the actual hero is unknowing, at least we can get an understanding of them and be somewhat sympathetic if the character is a good one.

Here, though, even in barely the second chapter, there is definitely too much going on. Not only does the MC meet Death themselves but now they already know they’ve lost their memory and are being taken someplace else? I’d rather have some more background on the character, perhaps with a little hint of Death taking an interest in them but not enough to already connect a random person (to the reader’s view) to a previously unique person.

So, my advice is as follows: 1) Even though this has a first chapter, leave some kind of hint at what the character looks like so the reader can create an image; 2) Leave off Death speaking about who he could be for a later chapter to allow for some semblance of surprise for your readers; and 3) Build on this world rather than just include dialogue among taking heads - description can be your friend.

See ya.




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Points: 890
Reviews: 25

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Wed Mar 09, 2005 11:37 pm
Bazoo wrote a review...



It lacked a lot of puncuation (too much to state).
Try splitting the beginning sentence into:

"Where was I? I tried to remember something; anything." THEN the rest. (picky thing, but the beginning sentence is VERY important)

Try to read over and fix the little mistakes that were present here and there. You forget to capitalize I's, or add the apostrophe to some contractions.

Overall I think it is too fast-paced and forced. You leave little time for character development, and I really think you should begin with the character's experiences before his/her trials (see? I don't know who the character is). Character development is key.





Prometheus, thief of light, giver of light, bound by the gods, must have been a book.
— Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves