Peace and solitude
(some have said this is depressing, you have been warned)
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The light has abandoned you to me
Why do you persist
Why do you insist
That you have no need for hate and monotony
Instead come back to me
I only wish simplify your pain and need
But no you still fight
Without hope
Without a cause
Pick up that knife and
Lets walk away so that we
Can find you peace and solitude today
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey there.
Punctuation.
I find myself talking more and more about punctuation these days. And I think it has a lot to do with reviewing poetry from time where punctuation in poetry might have been a bit more controversial than it is now.
And this poem certainly shows why punctuation is needed, because it's based upon the narrator asking questions, but it doesn't have any question marks. Question marks are definitely going to be needed here to have an accurate tone and message conveyed to the audience. There's also a need for commas and periods but those are a bit more fluid here, when the structure could just be changed.
Structure.
There's a slight need for stanzas here, which might be fixed by having a more uniform line length. As it is, the poem doesn't do very well with presentation, meaning that the formatting doesn't convey a good message. To me, I like to concentrate a lot on presentation because in more modern poetry, it ends up being a very big deciding factor.
This doesn't mean wild and crazy white space but this does mean having the lines arranged so there isn't a massive difference in the length.
Message.
Suicide is the main vibe that I'm getting from this and that certainly would fit well with the imagery that is lightly formed. You also write the pre note saying that it's depressing, making me assume it's another sappy unrequited love poem. But it could also be murder/suicide, so isn't that great to read on a Friday morning.
I can't nail down too much of a meaning to this because the ideas are pretty scattered.
So good start.
Needs some work to be better.
Happy revmo.
-lizz
this flowed very nicely... I liked it, but you def. need punctuation.. you lose your reader without it... I did like it a lot though:)
-Nicole
BTW. Your poetry is no where near depressing compared to mine:-/
Cool poem. Just some little things. I think you need some punctuation. I also think you should split the fourth line. Also I think you meant to write "to" between "wish" and "simplify" in the sixth line. You could also split up that line if you wanted.
Very cool. I liked it.