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Maze of Thoughts

by maelstroM12


Hi everyone,

Have you ever thought of a night engulfed with the serenity of silvery moon..
Or have you ever dreamed of a stride amidst the fluffy,floating cloud, cloud that looks ominous..
Or have you ever walked far enough into the sea, off the shore without any looking back, severing the bonds of thoughts inside.

Or, your world, it's never been so shadowing, never colored in fantasy!!!

Whatever may be the design of your life, luck and inside world, try to do believe, learn to soothe yourself that:
              the world we see, or the air we breathe, or the rush we feel..
  it's all equivocal in a  realm of taciturn symphony, on a shore of vast loneliness


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5 Reviews


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Reviews: 5

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Wed Sep 14, 2016 5:55 pm
Empires wrote a review...



Hey Empires here with a review.

Welcome to YWS! From one new member to another. I liked the imagery in the title actually as its easy to become lost in thoughts and end up going in circles, like a maze. Most points have been covered by the reviews below, so I'll try and keep it brief.

This poem had a fantasy and dream-like feel to it. It had some great ideas, but they feel like they need to be developed and structured more so its easier for the reader to follow.

There is a lack of punctuation and grammar, fixing the formatting a bit will help.

"Have you ever thought of a night engulfed with the serenity of silvery moon.."

A question mark would be needed. I think the word, "engulfed", wasn't the most fitting, it felt a bit heavy in comparison to the moon and the soft alliterative, "s" sounds of serenity and silvery. Maybe a word like, "immersed" would fit better.

"floating cloud, cloud that looks ominous.."

Cloud is repeated here, you could cut either side of the sentence.


"never colored in fantasy!!!"

A single exclamation point would suffice here.



Keep writing!


--Empires




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737 Reviews


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Sat Sep 10, 2016 3:44 am
CaptainJack wrote a review...



Hey there maelstroM12. It's just Lizzy dropping by real quick so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

This review is going to be a bit short because you already have one great review and I don't won't to step on their toes too much. It's also really late here and I'm on mobile, which limits my amount of typing.

I'm guessing you probably wrote this outside of YWS. For one reason, you're brand new to the site. Welcome to YWS, by the way. Two, the formatting on your poem/story got a bit messed up when you copied it over. The publishing center doesn't really agree with outside word documents. By the formatting being messed up, the poem comes out with half the lines centered and some at different lengths to the right or left. Sometimes these are stylistic but based on the arrangement, I'd guess not. Please correct me if that was wrong.
The formatting issue doesn't really affect how the poem reads, it just looks really funky and breaks up the little bit of flow the piece had.

I guess that last line brings me right into the flow. To me, the poem sounded really choppy and disconnected. The repeated use of line starters was bother some but so was the double lines without a break. To me, those are the poetry equivalents of run on sentences. They mess up the story and the reader has to try and follow along with no line breaks. I would try and split the lines more often but that's really up to you

The first line is really confusing because the reader has no clue who you're greeting. Was this meant as an author's note? Because that's about the only thing that makes sense to me considering the rest of the poem. Or were you greeting someone besides the speaker? Please clear this up for me.

The previous reviewer went really in depth to all of the lines and has already covered most of the points I was going to make. I'll spare you from a repeat of critique and just move on to the next part of this review.

Some parts of your punctuation use were a bit much for me. The multiple exclamation points take more away from the piece than they give. I know you probably used them for emphasis and extra excitement but for me they just make the piece look too informal. These belong in a text message, not a serious poetry people where you're trying to get respect from readers.
The ellipsis also fit into this point. I like the ellipsis the first time because it leaves the thought hanging. But once you did it two or three times, they just had little effect. It's just like every method of emphasis, once or twice is okay but using it over and over again, doesn't draw enough attention.

Well I guess that's really about all I have for this review. Sorry if it was a bit short but my fingers are getting tired of typing. And I think I've about covered everything now.
Anyways have a nice day.
Happy RevMo.
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs




maelstroM12 says...


Hi,
Both of you and the earlier reviewer have helped me a lot to rescrutize my work as an amateur. Feeling optimistic to go a long way having so cordial reviewers all over this platform.
Regarding your remarks with the copying thing:
I've written it whole on this platform. But use of spaces and tabs in a very unsmart way might lead u to think otherwise
:/
Nice day
maelstromM12



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Fri Sep 09, 2016 3:44 pm
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello, Steggy here for a review!

Firstly, I like to say welcome to YWS! I really hope you enjoy it here and I'm looking forward to seeing more works posted by you. Anyway, now onto the actual review. I like to mention that starting any poem off with "hi, everyone" makes it seem like you are writing a post for a diary or something on Facebook. Also, who is everyone? Would it be the reader? A group of aliens huddled against a wall? As a suggestion, you could just get rid of it because the poem itself doesn't relate back to the beginning (though, it does ask the question to the directed audience).

Have you ever thought of a night engulfed with the serenity of silvery moon..
Or have you ever dreamed of a stride amidst the fluffy,floating cloud, cloud that looks ominous..
Or have you ever walked far enough into the sea, off the shore without any looking back, severing the bonds of thoughts inside.


The small chunk feels a bit awkward. When writing something, try re-reading your work. It is an easy way to find mistakes keen to your eyes. So, speaking from this, let's start with the first stanza.

Have you ever thought of a night engulfed with the serenity of silvery moon..


I don't know why but when read aloud, this seems is a mouthful. Like, there are descriptions that shouldn't be needed. Even though "engulfed with the serenity" seems like a wonderful description, I like it might be best if you tried "engulfed by a silvery moon"; all you would basically do is just change the tenses in that stanza. Another thing I like to point would be in the beginning, "have you ever thought". Thought doesn't fit into the tense you have here but maybe dreamt?

Or have you ever dreamed of a stride amidst the fluffy,floating cloud, cloud that looks ominous..


To begin, much like the previous stanza, this one is worded wrongly. Though I do understand what you are trying to say, it is still a little unclear. Even though the beginning of this poem starts with "or", I feel like you should just remove it. Repeating the beginning word in front of every stanza gives the whole poem a type of rhythm.
Much like how in the beginning I suggested you changed thought to dreamt, you could use it this time to replace dreamed.
The next suggestion I have would be for "fluffy, floating cloud, cloud that looks ominous". Even though this seems a bit clear, it is like a runny oil painting. The words aren't exactly strung together but clear enough for the reader to understand. So! As a suggestion, as mentioned before, re-read your work.

Have you ever dreamt of a walk among the fluffy clouds that looks ominous


The above quote shows how I suggest that stanza should be.

Or have you ever walked far enough into the sea, off the shore without any looking back, severing the bonds of thoughts inside.

Or, your world, it's never been so shadowing, never colored in fantasy!!!


Have you ever walked to the sea, without looking back, breaking the thoughts inside your head?

It's never been so dark until you see color.


Above in the quotes would a suggest as to how to correct the stanza.

... the world we see, or the air we breathe, or the rush we feel..
it's all equivocal in a realm of taciturn symphony, on a shore of vast loneliness...


This chunk of stanzas feels a bit wordy like you tried as much big words into this single stanza, which is fine. Though, it can be a bit confusing to the reading if they don't know the word itself. Perhaps try using simple words in place of some of the words you have here which could then make it clearer to the reader or have some context clues as to what the words could mean.

Overall, this was a nice piece to read. I enjoyed the bits of imagery and the theme.

If you have any questions, let me know!

Steggy




maelstroM12 says...


Hi there,
Great to get such a splendid review. In deed it was a thorough one. No doubt it would be an inspiration as well as a direction to a better approach towards writing.
:)
Actually, hi everyone was intended to all readers(although it was too informal a way to address in a poetry;mistake by an amateur u can say)
Hoping to utilize every bit of suggestion
Thanks again
maelstroM12




Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
— Mark Twain