Fighting For Love (probably will change title) Ch. 1: Adam

Thank you guys for reviewing! The whole thing with her knowing his name before he told her it was a bit embarrassing... Haha, but thanks for pointing it out, probably wouldn't have caught that. I'm not sure if I should leave their age at nine, or raise it up a bit...

Hey there! I'll do a bit of editing for you as I go My corrections and suggestions will be in red, and my comments and explanations in bold.

maegardens wrote:May have a few errors... Too tired to edit right now, but I'll be back. Please review! Enjoy.



Chapter one: Adam

I awakened on my bus seat; the long drive back to the school from my school’s the field trip to a local nature center must’ve made me so bored that I fell asleep. There's no point repeating 'my school' here since you've already mentioned they are heading back to the school. It was a yearly thing that my elementary school did, this field trip. The whole school got to go on a walk through the forest. I thought it was fun, but we didn’t see many animals, except the ones you would see daily, comma like birds and squirrels.

I was alone on my bus seat, as usual. My lack of friends at this age was a bit sad to think about. My mom had kept reminding me this is my first year at a new school, so it’ll be hard to make new friends. But it’s not an excuse any more. I’ve been here for about two months, and I repelled people as if I had some rare, incurable, and very contagious disease. It was the same at my old elementary school, and I had been there since I was six. Three years of the same loneliness. I had managed to create one friend, but she had moved before I was in second grade.

I stared at my hands sadly, looking at all the patterns and doodles I had drawn when I was bored, comma but I should’ve been listening to the teacher in class. I started staring at an eye I had drawn a day ago for a while, and then looked out the window. The buildings didn’t look familiar, so I supposed the school bus wouldn’t arrive at the school for a while.

I listened to all the cheering and talking on the bus. All the singing and happiness ringing as one big force. I was sad I couldn’t become part of what all the other kids were doing. Well, not that I couldn’t join in on someone’s conversation, I could’ve easily done that, but the outcome was most likely to be my fellow schoolmates hiding away, acting like I wasn’t there and if they would act like I wasn’t there, I’d disappear back into my seat so they could talk yet again. I just sulked and leaned my head into the window. I looked among the small space you see between the bus seats and the windows, comma but when I looked among all the rows, I saw about six rows of bus seats ahead of me to find a guy who was staring at me in bewilderment. The even more surprising part was that he was cute, too. I smiled, and felt heat coming to my cheeks to make probably the pinkest blush ever seen. I couldn’t help it. The mysterious boy smiled back. We stayed like that, just smiling, until the bus came to a stop and we were at our school again. When I stopped smiling, I realized my cheeks hurt a lot. I didn’t know what class this guy was in; but I knew he wasn’t in mine. There was my class in the back of the bus, and then there was another class in the front of the bus.

I tried to follow the mob of people in front of me to try and find the boy, but I couldn’t see, comma and before I could even search through the mob, comma my class was going inside the school, while the other class went inside the school into a different door. I moped on to the rest of my classmates.



***
The last period of the school day went by in a breeze, and the whole time I was thinking about Mystery Boy. The minute the bell rang for the end of the day, I shot out of the school like a bullet and raced to the door his class went in through, hoping that was the door he would come out of. You started in past tense, it's better to stay in it.

I waited. And waited. I turned my back to leave when:

“Hey, wait up!”

I turned around, and there he was. I had butterflies in my stomach already.

“Hi! I, um, saw you on the bus…” I said

“Yeah, me too,” Adam Huh.. she already knows his name? It should probably only be 'The Boy' right now, until he presents himself in the next sentence said, smiling slyly, “My name is Adam,” Adam said, handing his hand out to shake. Of course we had both seen each other on the bus.

I shook his hand, and at first touch I couldn’t breathe. I swear my heart skipped not just one beat, but at least three. Though then I probably would’ve died, or something, so I doubted my heart skipped three beats…

I don’t think I’d had a real crush like this, comma ever. I’d seen a few cute boys in the hallway before, but it wasn’t like I had strong feelings for them.

“So…?” Adam asked

“So…?” I asked shyly.

“Um, I don’t know… You’re name?” Adam asked.

“Oh! Um, my name is Evelyn, comma” I said. I won't change all of those, but there should always be a comma between your narration and your dialogue

“Nice name,” Adam replied.

“Yeah, thanks, yours too,” I said in a rush while blushing.

“We should probably get to our buses… Don’t want to be late.” Adam said.

“Oh, right, yeah.” I said, lying a bit. I would never mind being late with Adam. Even though I didn’t know who he was…

We walked to our buses, and to my disappointment we weren’t on the same bus. I think she might have seen him before if he was
We said goodbye to each other and got on our buses. Unfortunately I was the last one on the bus, which drew quite a lot of attention. But, which drew even more attention was me saying goodbye to Adam. Every other row people were making kissing sounds and saying ‘ooo’. I just ignored it all, but I couldn’t help but kind of like it. Finally I got some attention from schoolmates and then they were thinking I was in some sort of fourth grade ‘relationship’ with Adam.

I went back to my seat with no one next to me. But, a girl from the seat ahead of me asked:

“Are you going out with that guy?”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just smiled and looked out the window and waited until she went back to her seat. I felt so much heat in my face it must’ve looked like I had a bad sunburn, I was blushing so much. I couldn’t wait to go to school tomorrow…where I could see Adam.

Yep, I confirmed in my head, this is definitely what a crush feels like.

Then I started worrying if I liked him too much for a person who I’ve just met. Then I shut my inner thoughts up. And finally I got off the bus at my stop, only to hear kissing sounds and ‘ooo’s’ on the way back up the isle of bus seats. From that moment forward (even though I had already been thinking about Adam) I could only think about Adam.


***

Adam and I hung out almost every single day after school, and then it did actually grow into a small, fourth-grade relationship. I was so happy Adam liked me back. It was so fun being able to call Adam my ‘boyfriend’ and him to call me his ‘girlfriend’. I even gained a few friends. Some of them being Adam’s friends, some of them being girls who liked to gossip. I had never loved life like this until now. I guess Adam just fixed my life. He fixed my rare, incurable, and very contagious disease that made me repel all kids at my school. I know most crushes at this age always make you think that this person would be ‘the one’ but they really weren't. But I thought Adam really was ‘the one’. The more I got to know him, the more perfect he seemed… Same here, stay in past tense.


This was the best thing that had ever happened to me. Adam. I though I loved him. I was pretty sure I knew I loved him. Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam, Adam….


***

The school year has carried on, and Adam and I never had really gotten into any fights at all, or any problems, like most couples. Was that because we were 9? Or because we really liked each other? I had never felt this way about anyone in my life. I hated to be all lovey-dovey, but everything I said was true. Very true. Oh, I felt like my heart was sighing and butterflies were in my stomach, comma just by thinking about him. I really needed to stop being all romantic and crap. I guess I just couldn't help myself.


***


I knew life was too perfect! Whenever something seemed so perfect, something had to mess it up! A few months had passed by, and it was nearing the end of the school year. My dad had gotten a job outside of the state, I didn’t know where it was and I didn’t care. So I'll stop correcting the verb tenses but all this should be in the past tense I just know that we’re moving, and I’ll probably never see Adam again. I’ve cried so much these past few days, I don’t think I’ll be able to cry ever again in my life. I told Adam, and all I ever do now is hang out with him. Not like that’s much different from what we regularly do, but now it’s more sad. We know we won’t be able to just hang out like we usually do ever again in just a few weeks. I want to scream. I want to cry until all the water in my eyes dries up. I want to run away. But I love my parents too much to run away. I don’t know where I’d go if I ran away. Adam’s house wouldn’t be an answer because his parents would call my parents and then Mystery state, here I come. I think I’ve already used all the water in my eyes to cry, and I shouldn’t scream because that would cause too much attention. I’m doomed to never see Adam again.




copyright November 23, 2010 maegardens

Hello! I loved your title so I just had to come see what it was all about.

Things You could Improve On:
--Your first sentence doesn't really draw the writer in and is a bit wordy. Maybe something a little more exciting?

--

“Yeah, me too,” Adam said, smiling slyly, “My name is Adam,” Adam said,