This is a more exaggerated story of the bullies that have been mean to me. I hope you enjoy! (Please read it until the end!)
I hate everything you do,
I hate everything you say,
And from first sight you knew
That every single day
You'd watch my every movement
You'd watch whatever I did
And the insults that you sent
Seemed like they came from a little kid
I don't know why you do this
Because in the job, you don't excel
Do you like to make me pissed
On things I shouldn't dwell?
So just stop with the snarly insults
Because they don't make sense
And on me you revolt
So horribly, it makes you seem dense
O bully, O bully you think you're so smart
O bully, O bully you think you're so funny
But being a bully, you're a big fart
And every day it seems to be less sunny
I don't know why you're succeeding
You're just some big git
But with my happiness, you are feeding
So you, I'll try to ignore
But alas, I can not
Because you're the reason my life is sore
It's true that you, I fought
But I lost
I lost
I lost
So now my happiness
Is the cost
You've had your pay
But you still want more
And more
And more
Making my life less gay
You've eaten me to the core
And thrown me in the trash
To rot
And rot
And rot
You've burned me to ash
And I loathe you an awful lot
I again try to fight you
But I never succeed
I never knew
That some one's deed
Would be to eat a soul
Of a helpless child
The evil nature of your role
Isn't high, for your insults are mild
Making my world fade
Is the job you fulfill
Until a visit I paid
To the principal
Please comment and review! I appreciate it greatly! Thank you if you already did!
copyright March 24, 2010 maegardens
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
I can't deny that I've been there. The subject of the bully is a very intrueging one for poetry, because to any victim, they seem larger than they really are. Poetry, however, is making things seem larger than they are, so in a sense, poetry may have been invented specifically for victims of bullies. Or maybe not, I don't know it's still pretty early in the morning that I'm writing this.
I just don't like the the last line in this stanza. Although it rhymes correctly, it's way shorter than the others. It makes this piece easier to read aloud than read from paper, and on a forum, that's not too good a thing. My suggestion would be to change it to "That every single day". The one word, "Single", not only will lengthen the piece a good two syllables, but it also makes the line more powerful, and when describing the powerful mental impact of the bully, powerful writing is what you need to use.
Keep it up! Again, I've been down this bully road. Hopefully it's not some current matter of life and death for you, but for the most part just ignore them. The more you try to fight back, the louder they'll get. Don't try and poke the bear, the bear's and idiot. He'll swipe at anything you put in front of his face.
Some reviewers above me think that the poem is purposely like this because you're trying to make it childish, but it doesn't seem like that to me. I suggest trying to fix it, unless you do mean it to look childish and a bit off.
This poem could be a fairly good one, (although I must admit the premise doesn't leave much room for a truly fantastic poem) but you need to work on a few things.
1: No rhymes. Rhyming is unnecessary in a poem, and when it makes the wording look ludicrous like it does in yours, it's an inexcusable feature. Take out the rhymes and rewrite it freeform, you'll notice it feels much smoother and true to your message when you aren't trying to make it rhyme.
2: Plot. If you are going to make something happen at the end, namely the trip to the principal to report the bully, then you need to have more happen before that as well. It was an abstract, exaggerated poem describing bullies, and it was sticking to that, but then you suddenly made it a poem about something that actually happens in reality. Not a good idea. Just take out the end bit and end it some other way, or make the rest of the poem more friendly to an ending like this.
Last, what was up with that smiley? Unless you were going for childish, it just looks silly sitting there.
That's about it. Work on the things I've mentioned and it could be an okay poem. If you want to write a poem about your experience with bullies, I would suggest going for a different angle. It just doesn't work that well if you try making a poem that's basically a list of things bullies do and are.
~Aet
I'm just going to go through the whole thing, if you don't mind! ^_^
Okay, so just work on grammar, punctuation, and not breaking off inbetween stanzas and then you should be good. 'Kay? Good!
Tata!
-Mizzle
Well, I think that with a little editing this could be quite a nice piece. I liked the use of repitition in some of your lines. It really gave a feel for the piece. However, I think you should use a wider variety of words. Punctuation is another thing. Spacing between paragraphs is far neater and easier to read than putting everything together in one long paragraph. And commas usually go at the ends of lines, but not always.
But I liked the overall theme of the poem. Believe you me, I've been that kid before. Writing something that people can relate to is a good thing.
-Kelcia
Some of the rhymes here do seem forced, but in a way that add this comic (and, as Kammie said, childish) edge to your poem which I actually like. I don't know if you meant for this, but when you described the bullies as a 'fart' I did laugh out loud.
I'm going to reiterate Kam and say PUNCTUATION. Sometimes I let it slide, but you do really need it here.
I'm sorry that you have to deal with bullies, and I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but I think it might be better if you connect with the audience a little here. Like Eddie said, maybe go into a little more detail on everything!
Hope I helped!
~Amy
I thought the ending with the little face was funny. One thing I don't like is that you never really give us anything to connect with. You say they insulted you, but how?
And what they said with the punctuation. I won't go into detail.
And Yeah I know how it feels here. And I got to say, from what I read they seem to be of different types eh? Best of luck.
Keep writing. Silented1.
I like the childish note you have in this because bullying in this context happens to children. Your words are generic but I guess its acceptable because a child can't think of that many creative and enriched lines.
For the last line, do you mean very instead of every?
Also I repeat Vox's statement and ssay: Punctuation.
Your poem is dying without it. It becomes one giant run on sentence and that's no good.
Periods and commas, make sentences but not too many.
Otherwise, I feel empathy for you if you had to deal with bullying.
Keep writing,
Kamas
Thank you! I like your version a bit better.
Hi. I'm Vox. I'll be doing a general critique, and if I sound harsh--I really hope I don't-- it's just in the spirit of constructive critiscism, okay? Oops, I guess I need a pointer or two on my spelling!
1 thisline would sound better if you used the word "excell" instead of "well"
2 since "piss" is considered profanity, a moderator would give a lecture about it making a rating of R necessarry. I don't know what you think about this, but give it some thought, because a mod will rate it R if they find it. Bottom line, either change "piss" to something else, or you'll end up with the poem rated R, and the downside of that is people don't read R-rated poems as frequently as PG or whatever.
3 this line made me giggle. It's just so funny! And it's true, though. Eesh, I've been bullied, and the thing is, though it was at least four years ago, I still hate the idiot kids' guts for it!
4 I think "be less sunny" would sound better.
5 "whole" sounds a little out of place. Maybe "awful" would fit better with the overall tone.
6 "retry to fight.." is very awkward. I think "again try to fight..." would really bring this line to life.
7 wow! this line is very poigant and elegant, in a sad sort of way.
8 "evilness of your role" is just too sloppy. It takes up precious space here. I think something like "evil nature of your role.." would be a lot better.
9 Yeah! Now the character... (or is this a true story, if so, you) is/are standing up to the idiot kid who decided to torture them/you. Whoever this was, I feel good as a reader for them, well, empowering themselves.
10 your poem is in desperate need of stanzas and some punctuation. Try breaking it up into little chunks according to how you think the breaks should be, or some such thing.
All in all, this is a great poem! And on a very real topic for many people. Adults seem to live by the saying "kids will be kids" but they don't realize that kids can be extremely cruel and can really hurt a person.
If this really happened to you or someone you know, my heart goes out to you! I've been in the spot before, which sucks.
Gold star for you!
Cheers,
-Voxina