Just Another Person's Reverie
why do i have to feel this pain?
when all i do is just to love again
i probably thought that i will end up smiling
but i was wrong..
this weather consistently changing
made this relationship extremely tormenting
just when i thought that we were stable and still
just when i felt that i was loved and being looked after
just when i thought that everything was alright
it was just then that i realized
that all those thoughts were all just my reverie
making me believe all his shit
and all those insanity
now I'm torn scattered into pieces
begging for someone to put me back in place
darkness reigns all over me
melancholic scenes rushing back at me
slapping to my face all the lies that he made me believe
crying, begging, and pleading for this heartache to fade
now here i am reminiscing those days
alone in my room
away from happiness
locking up all those tormenting emotion
in this long and solitary poem
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This poem was overall very vague. There was no imagery, the verb tenses were inconsistent, and partially because of a couple misspellings that might actually be due to word confusion, parts of the poem did not make much sense. Did you mean "consistently changing" as in there is no variation in when and how it changes, or did you mean "constantly changing" as in there is always change going on? How does the weather make a relationship a source or state of suffering? Love and pain are very vague concepts. To what extent do you love/feel pain? What kind of love/pain is it? How does the love/pain affect you? Etc. The reader doesn't know the answer to any of these questions because you have not answered them.
Did you have to curse? Really? What is the point of it? What does it add? As far as I can see, nothing. It looks to me like a cheap means of capturing the reader's attention. The poem itself as a whole should keep the reader reading; not any shocking words or statements. It also mucks up the flow and rhythm of the line.
Verb tense: are you telling us about things that happened in the past? If so, use past tense. Are you telling us things that are happening right now? If so, use present tense. Don't randomly switch between them.
Punctuation: where is it? Also, what little punctuation you do have is misused. Poetry is by default punctuated the same as normal writing. The same rules of capitalization apply as well, but I think the lack of capitalization works well in this poem.
Also, do you or do you not have a rhyme scheme? If you do, then stick to it. Just be aware that there is more to rhyming in poetry than just the rhyme itself. If you do not have a rhyme scheme, then don't try and force random words to rhyme. Including rhymes does not automatically result in better poetry.
Overall, this poem struck me as very wangsty, typical teenage whining poetry. Including unique imagery and description of how and to what extent the emotions affect the narrator would greatly help fix that. Including punctuation and improving the overall rhythm would also help. In addition, make sure the words you are using are the right ones and that the figures of speech you utilize make sense.