z

Young Writers Society



the war of the amniox chp. 1

by madam-butterfly


1st dimension: earth

Annika laid in bed, wide awake staring at the ceiling. Her sweat matted her hair to her drenched forehead. She was aware that she had screamed, but it roused no one else in the house, for it was silent as everyone else slept.

“it was just a dream”, annika said aloud as if needed to convince herself.

The lion men in her dream that had tried to kidnap her really freaked her out, yet she wanted to go with them. They kept whispering"Athilius"

Why did it feel so real, so familiar?

She shook those thoughts from her head. She threw back the heavy blankets covering her, and felt immediate relief.She now new why she was sweating so hard. She finally stepped out of her bed and into her fuzzy lion slippers. But quickly stepped back out of them.

“you’re being ridiculous. They’re just slippers,”annika attempted to reassure herself, yet she didn’t go back for the slippers. She crept barefoot, downstairs to the kitchen for a glass of cold water.

Back upstairs she noticed she had an IM from Andrew.

Andy_warrior:please be awake

Tiki_nika333: I am. Wats up?

Andy_warrior:come 2 da window

Annika stepped onto her balcony to ½ of Andrew hanging out of his window.

“Hello, over yonder,” he whispered a shout

“Hi Andrew” she replied smiling widely, Andrew always cheered her up.

“You can’t sleep either?”Andrew asked switching to his posh British accent.

“Why no sir, bad dreams keeping me up. And you?” annika played along

“Well what happened in you dream?” Andrew, now interested, speaking normally.

“There were these lion men, mions or limens, trying to kidnap me,”

“Nika, what did I tell you about eating junk food right before bed?”

“It wasn’t that. There was something oddly familiar about these li-mens. I don’t know what.”

“They can’t be familiar Nika, they don’t exist.”

“I know but still…”

“So what did they say?”

“Praise King Athilius”

“Who?”

“I don’t know but I’ll look him up.”

“Alright”

“Goodnight.”

“Hey nika? Don’t go wandering off with some li-mens in the middle of the night, okay?”

“I won’t” she laughed

Annika went down the stairs abd into the basement. The moon was high in the sky and its borrowed light illuminated the room enough that she didn’t need to turn on the lights. She had known her adoptive parents Barbra and Nick had a library dawn there but she never need to come down.

“what are you doing down here? It’s probably all physiology books” Annika thought to herself. The library was dark and dusty. Annika walked slowly to the bookshelf on the left, willing herself to stay calm. There was nothing to fear. Not exactly sure what she was looking for, she was looking for, annika started at the index. The first book checking “a” for Athilius and “k” for king athilius. Still she had no luck. By the fifth book, she came across a box. It was a small iron jewelry box carved with a dozen black roses on a vine. Each thorn had a diamond to represent a drop of blood. Annika’s heart must have skipped 2 beats when she saw it. Very gently she picked it up with both hands. Placing it on the floor she kneeled inn front of it. The box struck a memory deep in annika’s mind, pulling it to the surface. It was a memory of her parents house, the jewelry box sitting on the dresser in their room. She knew it had to be the same box. Annika tried to pry it open with her hands at 1st, until she realized that it was locked.

“ugh. Just great!” annika shouted, & with a sudden burst of frustration, she flung the box across the room at the opposite shelf, causing an avalanche of books spewing them over the floor.

“UGH! JUST GREAT!” she reiterated stooping to pick up the fallen books, checking each title as she went.

“human physiology 101, the mysteries of muscular dystrophy…”

Annika reached up to replace the books on the shelf when she noticed a book that hadn’t fell, a book that would have other wise gone unnoticed.

This book somehow drew Annika to it. She felt obliged to pick it up, to read it, to memorize it …verbatim. Athilius was written in monotype along the green leather binding. Annika pulled the book off the shelf, releasing the books that currently occupied her hands. She noticed that one page was marked. Sitting down on the pile of books that remained on the floor, Annika turned to the desired page (entitled the 5 Ornament of Power) and took out the key that marked the page. It was an old iron key with 5 tiny holes in its base. Suddenly, and with an idea, Annika searched the floor for the jewelry box. Then she saw it trembling slightly, about a foot away. As she advanced upon it the trembling increase so dramatically that Annika struggled to keep it gripped in both hands. She forced the key into the lock of the box that went suddenly still. The anticipation rose to nearly unbearable as she turned the key. The lid popped partly open. She finished opening it to reveal 2 onyx rings with gold bands, connected by a chain. Although the gems were a deep black, they had an iridescently lighted center. She held the 2 beautiful rings (one on each index finger) to examine them more closely. She noticed words forming in the interlocking mail of the chain, although she couldn’t understand what the words meant she read aloud “Com detta nello, entdeckung a Nuevo rêve.”

Suddenly Annika felt as if every molecule of her body was being individually sucked through a wormhole. Though not necessarily painful, it felt rather uncomfortable to be taken apart and reassembled in Annika’s opinion. But as instantly as it started the experience came to an abrupt end.

She landed hard on her hands and knees, breathless and dizzy. After a few moments she got up and looked around. Across the way was a huge village.

At the shallow end of the town the houses looked like straw huts, but as Annika’s eyes further progressed into the town she saw that deeper in the houses got better looking and ended with a large gold-tinted castle.

It seemed like mid-day and the streets were filled with ladies wearing aprons over there pants shopping at carts in the streets, dirty faced children, some even Annika’s age, playing with a cloth ball that looked like an old balled up shirt, and shirtless men digging ditches and doing construction work on the many huts that were shaking hands with disrepair.

Annika wandered into the village (trying to be discreet because she was still in her silk black nightgown. She stopped at the 1st hut she got to. The lady standing at the fruit stand in front of the hut was dressed much more nicely than anyone else on the street, immediately letting Annika know she was dominant. As she approached the lady, the man sitting in the gold horse-drawn carriage gave Annika a wary look, but she ignored it.

“Excuse me… can you tell me where I am?” Annika asked

The lady starting rambling on in a weird language that sounded like a mix of a chirping bird and purring cat.

“Oh sorry, my mother doesn’t like to speak the native tongue.”

Annika turned to see an utterly gorgeous guy. “Uh…uh” Annika stuttered staring at the soft but stern features that made his face so perfect. His long silver hair flowed to his waist, but was pulled into a ponytail at the nape of his neck. He was dressed in khakis and a flannel shirt that was buttoned only half way up so it was blowing open in the breeze to expose parts of his maculate chest for only seconds at a time. Annika was silently cursing the shirt for teasing her, but her attention was quickly snapped back to the boy’s face when he cleared his throat.

“Is there something I can help you with?” he asked, a hint of growl echoing in his voice.

“Oh I’m sorry, but I don’t seem to know exactly where I am. Or if I’m dreaming.”

The guy walked up and pinched Annika on the arm.

“Ow?”

“No, I don’t believe you’re dreaming. Only other solution is the fact that you’re in Modgnik”

“Where?”

“Uh…Modgnik, it’s the larger of the two villages in the second dimension.” The boy’s expression changed from amused to worried, “are you okay, whatever your name is?

“Annika, my name is Annika and I’m not sure.”

“Why don’t you come inside? My name is Zachary by the way.”

Rosa always taught Annika never to go into houses with strangers, but this stranger wasn’t strange at all, and awfully cute, so Annika made an exception.

Zachary said something to his mother in the weird chirping language before guiding Annika into the house with a tenacious grip on her elbow, as if to keep her from falling. Annika let him lead her to a make-shift couch of a mattress leaned up against the wall.

She sat and took a long look at the large vacant room.

“You don’t live here, do you?” she asked.

“Why? What’s wrong with it?”

“Oh...nothing…I mean. uh… “

“Relax, I don’t live here. I just use it as a workshop.”

“Oh yeah? So you're some kind of artist?”

“Not really, I’m just a carpenter, although I build for fun.”

Annika spotted a painting on the wall of the village at sunset.

“Did you paint that?” she asked.

“That?” Zach pointed to the picture on the wall, “No, actually my girlfriend did it, now she some kind of artist. Now tell me why you are so confused” Zach asked curiosity burning in his eyes.

“I think I just traveled through time or something” Annika stated, realizing how ridiculous she sounded.

“Everyone knows that people can’t travel through time. Athilius said so himself.”

“Who’s Athilius?” Annika questioned, jumping up at the sound of his name.

“What!?! Where have you been?” Zack responded, astonished.

“Roseville.”

“The 1st Dimension? What did you say your name was?”

“Annika… Annika June. But what’s the 1st dimen-”

“Dear Athilius! I can’t believe this! Come on, we have to go!” Zack jumped up, pulling Annika along.

“Go where? Where are you taking me?” Annika shouted, resisting. (Maybe she was wrong about this stranger).

“To the castle to see Generoe, come on!”

Annika finally snatched away, although she flew back and hit the wall. Out of breath for the 2nd time today, she managed to shout “Wait now! Explain yourself!”

“You’re Annika June, the seeker of the 5 Ornaments of Power”

“Okay, I must be dreaming. Look I’m still in my nightie” Annika shook her head in disbelief.

“Just come, Generoe will explain everything.” Zack said, extending his hand.

Annika liked his new, calmer approach and it seemed like this Generoe character was the only way she was going to get any answers anyways. Ignoring his hand, Annika walked past Zack and out the front door.

“But first we’ll go see my sister. Really, you can’t see a minister in your…” Zack stopped to clear throat, then whispered, “nightie”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
28 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 28

Donate
Wed Feb 13, 2008 11:56 pm
Cheeky Coconut Smoothy Lo wrote a review...



This needs work, and a lot of it.

Please do not use symbols like 1/2 in the story. Give your dialog room and do not squish it together. Your characters are very forced and so is the descriptions. To be honest, I hated it. It really needs a lot of work in all of those areas and no 'corrections' by me would even begin to make a difference.




User avatar
126 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 126

Donate
Wed Feb 13, 2008 5:32 pm
Blue Fairy wrote a review...



hi

I really enjoyed reading this.

Time to nitpick. (sorry) :D


Her sweat matted her hair to her drenched forehead. She was aware that she had screamed, but it roused no one else in the house, for it was silent as everyone else slept.
it was just a dream”, annika said aloud as if needed to convince herself.
The lion men in her dream that had tried to kidnap her really freaked her out, yet she wanted to go with them. They kept whispering"Athilius"
Why did it feel so real, so familiar?


If you take out 'her' then it would still make sense because you've used her three times in one sentence.

Capitals on it and annika.

She shook those thoughts from her head. She threw back the heavy blankets covering her, and felt immediate relief.She now new why she was sweating so hard. She finally stepped out of her bed and into her fuzzy lion slippers. But quickly stepped back out of them.
“you’re being ridiculous. They’re just slippers,”annika attempted to reassure herself, yet she didn’t go back for the slippers. She crept barefoot, downstairs to the kitchen for a glass of cold water.



space after third 'she'

Capital on you're and annika.

Annika stepped onto her balcony to ½ of Andrew hanging out of his window


It looks better if you put 'half' instead of the fraction.

when Annika and Andrew are speaking to each other on the computer maybe you could put a space between each line to make it easier to read.
Put a full stop after each line.

Annika went down the stairs abd into the basement. The moon was high in the sky and its borrowed light illuminated the room enough that she didn’t need to turn on the lights. She had known her adoptive parents Barbra and Nick had a library dawn there but she never need to come down.
what are you doing down here? It’s probably all physiology books” Annika thought to herself. The library was dark and dusty. Annika walked slowly to the bookshelf on the left, willing herself to stay calm. There was nothing to fear. Not exactly sure what she was looking for, she was looking for, annika started at the index. The first book checking “a” for Athilius and “k” for king athilius. Still she had no luck. By the fifth book, she came across a box. It was a small iron jewelry box carved with a dozen black roses on a vine.


I like what you said about the moon in this paragraph and also how you described the jewellery box.

capital on what.

jewelery is spelt jewellery.

abd. do you mean and?

skipped 2 beats


if you put two instead of 2 then it seems more story like (couldn't think of the right word) :)

Very gently she picked it up with both hands. Placing it on the floor she kneeled inn front of it. The box struck a memory deep in annika’s mind, pulling it to the surface. It was a memory of her parents house, the jewelry box sitting on the dresser in their room. She knew it had to be the same box. Annika tried to pry it open with her hands at 1st, until she realized that it was locked.


comma after gently.

one 'n' in 'in'.

1st= first

It seemed like mid-day and the streets were filled with ladies wearing aprons over there pants


their

I liked the way you described Zachary when they first met.

I also really liked the ending :D

hope i helped.

Fairy




User avatar
370 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 370

Donate
Sat Feb 09, 2008 6:03 pm
Aedomir wrote a review...



Hiya! No one hs critiqued this yet? OK, lets see what we have here. You don't mind? Thought not!

'annika said aloud as if needed to convince herself.'

Pick one of either 'as if she needed to' or 'as if needing to' would work better. Thios make sense at the moment.

'whispering"Athilius"'

You need a space between -ing and ".

'you’re being ridiculous.'

capital Y.

To sum up, I liked the plot, so carry on here! Yep, fantasy alright. You aren't afriad to get stuck in? :-D I liked this nonetheless, so keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~





"It's not nice to roast people when they're out of comebacks."
— Tuckster