I laugh.
I smile.
I giggle.
Flashback.
Everything.
The laugh turns to silence.
Want to talk, shout.
Just can't.
Save me.
I'm a bird flying into a storm.
told as Emilie
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hey, I really liked this. Short but sweet. I liked best the part where it said how the laughter turns to silence. It's the bit I can picture the most
Keep writing- good luck
JJxVoodo
Hi there. Lavvi in to review.
I found this poem rather abrupt and choppy. I think this is related to the fact that your punctuation largely comprises of periods and this makes the reader do a slight stop after each line. It doesn't work well with flow at all, unfortunately.
Secondly, I'm not sure what you mean by the poem...how, in reality, does it really related to the title? What's the point of the poem to the audience and you? I can't place it and that's a negative point. People should be able to easily infer to what your poem is once they read it.
Yours,
Lavvi
Okay, first off I would like to say that I like it. I'm just going to add a few suggestions.
Basically, I would lengthen the poem. You can have a short poem, but you need to be able to convey a lot of emotion within the few lines. I feel that this poem has definite potential. It could be as simple as just tweaking some words around and trying out different things to see what sounds best. I can understand where you were trying to go with this poem, but I would highly suggest trying to describe what you are grieving more. Even just one line of explanation would add so much to it.
Overall, though, you did a good job. I can tell that you were definitely having an emotional moment whilst writing this. Keep writing!
Ok I say this is really good as it is now. I just have one thing to say: longer. Add more description there's a lot more to add to this to make it really really shine and I know you can do it!!! If you have any questions just ask me or send me a pm!! I hope you get many reviews and keep up the good work. You are really good just need more descriptions!!! Happy Writing!!!!
Soulkana<3