To be uncertain is to invite injury.
To be too sure is to live inadequately.
Questioning motives that have once been stated.
The creation of confusion becomes elated.
The indulgence of improper conversation creates insecurities.
The lack of acknowledgment invites impurities.
The ability to reason is commendable.
Hence persons are not expendable.
Kicking to the side is a poor expression to use.
The mere translation is to blatantly abuse.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi m0734427,
I am hard-pressed to find, in the whole of the poetry section here on YWS, a line more devoid of life than the above one.
Is the narrator supposed to be an emotionless robot? If so, I applaud this piece for having created such a cold and distant narrator. If that wasn't your intention, then you've done a poor job in creating not only flow, but any semblance of humanity within these words.
For instance:
"The ability to reason is commendable.
Hence persons are not expendable."
Apart from the awkward period-placing at the end of each line and laughable rhyme, nobody's going to empathize with your theme and point of view here. This type of wording and complete lack of feeling may be appropriate in a sociological thesis, but a poem strives to delve deeper into the reflexes of our minds and present it to us in a way that lights up both our intellectual and animalistic senses - that is, meaning combined with exploration of the five senses.
Tell me, how many of these senses can a reader spot within this poem? Not many. Therefore, your first point of order is to stop constricting each thought to a single line. Give it some breathing room, write in a stream of sorts.
After that, get rid of the rhyme and give examples of what you mean when you say, for example, "to be sure is to live inadequately". Use comparisons between people, between people and the natural world, between two phenomena of the natural world. Anything at this point is preferable to what is currently written down.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
Hey,
This is a very interesting poem. You have used words cleverly and this makes the poem even more dynamic. Well done.
-Blossom