ONE
Moira O'Hara
"You've got nowhere to hide."
I woke with a start. I had been having that dream again. Slowly, I rolled out of… Whatever-his-name-was’s bed. Drunken with sleep and alcohol, I had no idea where I was, who I was with, what I was doing. I picked up and pulled on my clothes. The boy shuffled about on the bed. Oh, it was Damian. Seeing his face started a deluge of broken images, my memories of the previous night.
The party. Hanging with Damian. Smoking, drinking, dancing. Talking to some kids in a band. Hanging with Damian some more. And seeing him again. After all this time, I still could not face him. I usually credited this guy similar to Lord Voldemort—“He Who Shall Not Be Named.” I was no longer on speaking terms with this real-life Voldemort, not even on he-should-exist terms. I hated him with all the passion in my five-foot three-inch body. But I also loved him with all the desire in said body. My morning grogginess refused to let up, so I decided to drop this non-issue boy who was really a thorn in my side (and that was an issue).
I set out to have an amazing time with Damian, my boyfriend of a year and a half. I was going to see my friend’s new band at this house party held by some nouveau riche kid who’d just moved into Paradise Heights. I did have a good time… That is until my personal tormentor appeared. Afterward, I came up to this room where Damian just happened to be lying in. I just happened to take it as a quick way to let out the build up frustration from that encounter with He Who Shall Not Be Named.
I should get home, I said to myself. I shook Damian into consciousness and roused my group of friends who came with us. Once everyone straightened up enough, we headed out to the Bay.
Paradise, Virginia: population 3,748. This small isle located in the Chesapeake was once a booming trading center when America was the “New World.” Now, it’s just a grubby little fishing town no one really knows about. The people here are distinctly classists. Paradise Heights—where Damian was now driving us away from—is where the upper class, rich bitches live. It sits atop the highest precipices of the island, where you can see both Chesapeake Bay and the Atlantic Ocean. Downtown Paradise takes up most of the island, seeing that it is where all the businesses and jobs and schools are located. Closer to the Atlantic sits Paradise Wharf, a euphemism for the Boondocks. The lower class and impoverished folks live there; it’s ugly and grimy, with all sorts of people dropping by and cargo ships leaving their smog to pollute the oxygen—but it’s dirt cheap, and face it, no one else would live there. Then, we close in to our final destination, Paradise Bay. It’s the middle class’s idyllic slice of luxury. Rich opulence meets mid-range prices.
We drove through the winding roads, dropping off everyone at their front door. When Damian pulled up to my house, his face became clouded with seriousness.
"Damian, are you alright?" I asked softly.
“There’s something that will happen soon,” he said, with a crease in his brow. "I think we need to talk to your parents.
“Why is that?” I replied, truly confused. Why would we need to talk to my folks? I'm not pregnant or anything. They know we go to parties and do normal teenage stuff; I've never denied it and they've never questioned it.
“Seriously, Mo. There are some seriously bad things coming. And you need to know, need to be prepared for what's ahead,” Damian said breathily.
Quickly, we rushed out of the car and walked into my home, to see my parents ready to receive us.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
I absolutely loved this first chapter! I don't think I saw any errors. I love the way it was written, and also how you didn't dwindle on introducing everyone in the story. What I wasn't absolutely thrilled with was the major cliff-hanger at the end, while yes it makes you want to read more, right now it just kind of bummed me out because I was getting very excited about the chapter. However, I'm sure whatever twists and turns you add later on will have been worth the wait! I also loved the voldemort reference because it's one that almost everyone is familiar with! I can't wait to read on! Your story greatly pleased me! Happy writing!
Its a very good start with a good amount of detail about the world they are in without getting lost in it. I like the use of Voldemort name as it is a reference from a story that almost everyone's read or at least heard a great deal about. I also like how you dove in to the main story instead of spending a couple chapters investigating who Mo and Damien are before their adventure;done well I love that sort of thing, but some authors just don't know where to end it. Talk about a cliffhanger though, I feel like I got all excited just to run into a tree. It's not bad, I am just excited to see what you have in store for us
Hi lyssasawicki! (Cool name btw. ^_^ )
This was very well written. It had good pace and already there’s a sense of your main character’s personality. I’m not sure I like her very much—wild teenagers aren’t always very endearing—but she seems realistic, and like she’ll be an interesting protagonist.
Although your prose was mostly very good, I didn’t like these bits.
“Clouded with seriousness” sounds a wee bit cliché, and also quite jarring. Previously the tone has been very easy and colloquial, and then there’s this phrase that sounds much more serious, and next to the rest of the story, almost archaic.
“With a crease in his brow” sounds strange. Like, just one crease? “Furrowed brow” sounds better.
“Breathily” is just weird. If you change nothing else, change this. How do you say something breathily? What is breathily?
This bit is also odd in that it takes the story in a completely different direction to what I previously expected. Before it was all about boys and the party and drinking and stuff, and then you’ve suddenly got “seriously bad things coming” which sounds like a line from an epic fantasy. So I’m puzzled. Defying readers’ expectations is always good, but it needs to be done realistically, so it doesn’t come across as a total about-face in tone and genre. You could get out of this by making Damian’s speech less dramatic. Although his speech is kind of colloquial, it’s still kind of OTT. Like, Lord of the Rings, and it doesn’t fit.
I’d also echo WaitingForLife’s points, especially about the interactions between Mo and Damian.
PM or Wall me if you have any questions!
-twit
Howdy ho, good afternoon, morning and night! Whichever one applies.
You can write. Was the first thing that came to mind when I read this. I like your MC's voice, somewhere between teenage-certified-it-certainly-isn't-angst and cynical humor. It adds great flavour to your text, and in my opinion, was the only really interesting part in this chapter.
Granted, this is still the first chapter, which isn't expected to have any mind-numbing scenes, but I still think it's missing something. There's the groggy morning-after, an account of a person who the MC hates and loves, an account of Paradise (which I found highly entertaining, an excellent way to show off more of your MC's voice) and a vague warning of something bad going to happen.
The issue I have with this is that, first of all, I don't get anything out of Damian, other than that he could be more specific about his danger-judgements. If he's to play any major role in this, I believe his character should be explored more thoroughly. I did notice that this was labeled as a 'Moira O'Hara - chapter', so maybe the next one will be from Damian's perspective. Even if that's the case, I suggest you make Moira and Damian interact more in the very beginning where they're just waking up. It's a good place to build more solid ground under their relationship.
The other thing that irks me, sort of on the same subject, is that the only communication between the characters is focused on story building, with none to reflect their actual characters. You could have some small talk between the friends to create more realism, per se, as it is a lot more interesting than Moira just rousing her friends and packing them into the car as the two-dimensional necessities they seem to be.
More interaction between characters goes a long way, and it unloads a lot of burden from the MC's voice, as now that it almost all you are going with.
Aaand now for some nitpicks. Not much of these, to be honest.
"...his face became clouded with seriousness."
When I think clouds, I think fluffy and vague; when I think seriousness, I think hard and unyielding. See the problem?
"....,with a crease in his brow."
I've never met someone with just a single crease in their brow. Maybe change it to plural? (Oh, and you're missing a quotation mark at the end of the next sentence after this one.)
"“Seriously, Mo. There are some seriously bad things coming. And you need to know, need to be prepared for what's ahead,” Damian said breathily."
My problem with this is that it's just cliché. The only thing that makes it individual is 'Mo'. I suggest skipping this and letting Damian just mutely get out of the car, leaving your MC to wonder what he meant. If you want to keep it like this, at least make Mo respond to it in a distinct manner, to set it aside from all the other times this line has been used.
"Quickly, we rushed out of the car"
The 'quickly' here is redundant. Rushing implies quickness.
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Where I think your weakness lies is in your character interactions. Your MC has a great voice and is interesting, but she seems to have a problem relaying that into her lines to other people. I'm struggling with the same issue myself. Just liven up the interplay and you'll have yourself an interesting display. As I said, you really can write.
Hope this helps!
|Life|