This is a totally random piece I started a few months back and just recently finished.
*****
“Alright, Jen, so tell me about him.” Soul mate. Yeah, I’ve heard that one before. The most predictable teenage rant in the history of teenage rants. His eyes are ocean-blue, deeper than tempest-tossed waves flecked with foam; and oh my gaaaawd, girlfriend, you should see those killer abs…
“What? Sorry, I spaced out for a minute…What’s he look like?” Oh yeah – tall, dark and handsome. The tried-and-true recipe for love. Hey, if it worked for Juliet, why not me? Human beings are so cliché.
“Uh-huh. Where’d you guys meet again? That little café, right?” I’d like a little romance, served hot and spicy. Don’t worry, I’ll wolf it down and be out of your life in no time.
“Yeah, well, it sounds pretty serious…” ‘Cause when a guy wants to get to know your breasts before he gets to know your personality, it’s definitely serious.
“Uh…well, no, I never really have…” Let’s see, when was the last time I felt a deep emotional attachment to a perfect stranger? At birth, maybe?
“What was that? Oh, sorry, I can’t; I’m meeting someone.” Short, blond, and baby-faced, if you must know. Like a golden retriever puppy. Romeo isn’t really my type.
“Nah, it’s not like that. Just dinner and a movie.” Harry Potter, to be more specific. We’ll probably sit in the empty theater and comment on the special effects until curfew. How’s that for a soul mate?
“I don’t know. He’s just not interested, I guess.” ‘Cause nobody ever is. You don't pet a lioness if you want to keep your hand.
“Yeah, I guess he’s cute. Blond, kind of messy hair, skinny, brown eyes…” Smart. Funny. Gentle. But I won’t bore you with the tedious details. You’ve already written him off your “to do” list.
“Yeah, sure. Have fun.” Don’t get pregnant. You’re a pain in my butt, but I love you.
“Talk to you later, Jen.”
*
“Hey, Owen, what’s going on?” The allergies are back. I can hear you sniffling. And you’re probably wearing your glasses because the contacts irritate your itchy eyes. When is your mom going to get rid of that stupid cat so you can breathe again?
“Yeah, I’m ready when you are. Got the gummy worms?” Of course you do. We cannot have a Nerd’s Night Out without gummy worms. The universe would not stand for it.
“I’m sorry, what did you say? Reservations – where at? The Olive Garden? But…” What happened to a milkshake at the diner? And you hate Italian food…You told me that garlic tastes like dog piss…
“Well…um…wow, that’s really, really nice of you…” How did you know that I love Fettuccini Alfredo? I never told you, did I? Cripes, am I really that transparent these days?
“You asked my mom? That poor woman – she probably had an aneurysm.” Why would you ask my mom if we could have dinner? Dinner’s been our thing since sixth grade. Dinner at your house, then at my house, then at Kyle’s house for his Halo party, then –
“Sorry, what did you say? You…you bought what?” You idiot – you’re allergic to flowers. Between Miss Whiskers and your dad’s garden, you’ll probably die of dry eyes before you’re twenty.
“Oh. Sunflowers. Well, that’s nice, I guess.” As long as I don’t have to give you an antihistamine shot in the theater.
“They’re for…Owen, why would you buy me sunflowers?” And how did you know…Oh, crap.
“Owen…Owen, stop. No, I’m sorry. I can’t. I really like you, but…” But I don’t believe you.
“No, it’s just that…What about that one chick, Felicia? She likes you, doesn’t she?” She also likes other girls, but you already know that. You know everything. You probably know how much I hate declarations of love, and that’s why you’re doing this to me. Is that it? Is this a joke?
“No, of course not. You’re my best friend, and…I…I love you too, but…” You will not make me cry. You will not make me cry…
“No, of course not. There’s no one else, okay? There’s never been anyone else.” You can’t make me cry, you sneaky, conniving son of a gun. I will turn you down with all my cool, feminine sophistication, and then we will share our gummy worms as if nothing happened…
“Owen, I can’t, okay? I don’t want a boyfriend!” I just want you. Us.
“Because. Because I can’t take it. I can’t…” I can’t live in a soap opera. I can’t take the lying, cheating, worrying, wishing, crying. I can’t live like Jen, completely at the mercy of male testosterone.
“No. No, I’m not crying.” Darn you, Owen Banks. Darn you and your sweet, sensitive, ridiculously persistent soul.
“No. Don’t worry about it; you don’t have to come over…” But I want you to come over. I really, really want you to come over.
“Well…okay. I guess. If you feel like it.” Darn my stupid hormones. Darn them to the deepest pits of heck.
“Yeah. I’ll see you in ten.” And I’ll be sitting next to the window when you pull up, and I’ll run to the couch and pretend I was reading the whole time. But you always know.
“Hey, Owen? Would it be okay...if you brought those flowers?”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
Alright, so I think I'm going to do a sort-of-sequel to this - the same style from Owen's perspective.
I don't know when it will be up, though.
Hmm, maybe I'll do one from Owen's perspective or somethng. I don't know. We'll see.
Right now I'm stressing about college and stuff, so I haven't been writing at all.
I've never seen anything like this! I like it. Even without the other half of the conversation, we could still understand what the other person was saying. Great job! Shame you won't be writing any more like this. Maybe you could try another one later?
Alex
I love your writing style, it's very unique. There isn't much to critique here, but I can't wait to read more. Nice work!
Wow, I really liked this! It was so sweet and funny, but also serious. I don't know what you call this, maybe a dramedy?
The one-sided conversations were brilliant and original. I've never seen that before. I also love how in such a short time, you were able to really establish the characters. Their personalities were just so clear.
So, yeah, I have nothing but praise for this. You did a really excellent job!
Hey, all:
Thank you so much for your compliments! This is the first romantic short story I've ever written, so I wasn't sure how good it was. I appreciate the praise. There won't be anymore - it was just a short story I wrote when I was annoyed with romance in general and I wanted to write something that was very different. :)
Hey lyrical_sunshine,
I've wanted to read some of your work for quite a bit and it was absolutely worth it.
I absolutely loved this and don't really have any suggestions to make. It was a really nice fluffy read. Your MC has a great personality and her thoughts were wonderful. Ironic, sarchatic, painfully honest and straight-forward, just really well done!
*showers with praise*
~Kalliope
I loved this!
I really liked the way you had the one-sided conversation thing going on like someone mentioned earlier. It was different and so it made me want to read more.
The character is fun too, because she's funny but serious at the same time. I like how it's dramatic, yet still funny and entertaining to read.
Anyways, this has definitely got me hooked. I don't know if there's more, but I'll definitely read it if there is!
I LOVED this! I can't say I've read a peice that's more humorous and saddening at the same time. Very little to critique, but absolutely wonderful. Wittilicious. Yum. Good job! I love the little cute lines like, "breasts before personality," very teenage-y but mature.
Hope to read more of your writing.
-Medusa.
Yes.... You do make reservations at Olive Garden.... Or you get the horrible dinner lines in which you wait for about 30 minutes to an hour before getting seated. >.<
So I'd advise making reservations. Much easier. But even then you'll still probably have to wait... ACK! There be-eth no way to escape! 0.0
......
*runs in circles and explodes*
So are they actually going to Olive Garden, or are they staying at her house and eating gummy worms?
Okay, I loved the character's thoughts running through the story. They added some great comic humor to what would have been a very soap-opera story. That's good.
I loved the MC's personality--so brash and cynical, and yet so naive! I loved the conversation with Jen--the thoughts that the MC had had me rolling on the floor.
But the conversation with Owen adds a good teenage angst to the story and lets us know of the MC more.
Great work! If there's more to come, I'll surely read it!
Grade: A++
DeafWriter
Haha, that's a great point. You DON'T make reservations to go to the Olive Garden, do you? Honestly, I just couldn't think of a really nice restaurant. Any suggestions?
And thank you so much for your compliment! I was honestly worried that people would tell me I sucked; I threw this together so quickly. Thanks for the encouragement!
~Sunny
I really liked this. I mean, really liked this. The one sided conversations were amazing, with the private thoughts alongside. You never hear them talk, but you immediately know what the person on the other end of the phone is like, just from the MC's running monologue.
I loved her personality. It was so cynical and jaded, yet really vulnerable and innocent.
The whole thing was really sweet. Absolutely amazing.
I'm just a little confused, though. Why would he make reservations just to go to Olive Garden? I've only been there twice, but I don't remember making reservations. But then, it sounds like Owen would be that kind of guy. Very, very nice.
Loved it to death. Great work here.
*thumbs up*
~GryphonFledgling