BESTFRIEND

by lyra

Published June 29, 2012

In Stories:)

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             Not so long ago, in the school of La Libertad Technical-Vocational School, there was a section called the “Special Science Class”. They were composed of 17 students since their freshmen year, until when they were in their senior year. A very handsome guy named Yuri Ganaganag became their classmate. He transferred from Emerald Academy in Sagocoy City. He was very tall, has a very fair complexion and has a very cute face.

 

            On the first day of school, everyone liked him. He was very friendly and kind. All the girls were attracted to him, even some boys. He was known as the “town crush”. He sat next to the smartest student in the Special Science Class, IJ Garsula. And soon enough, they became bestfriends.

 

“So, how’s La Libertad for you so far?” IJ asked. “It’s really beautiful! I love it here! I already made many friends in less than a day,” Yuri answered. “That’s really good,” IJ said, smiling. Their adviser, Mrs. Zapanta entered the room. She was very lovely and a very good teacher. She first let Yuri introduce himself to the whole class. “I’m Yuri June Ganaganag, 16 years old. I’m from Emerald Academy. My favorite subject is Math and I love playing Dota during my free time. I’m also friendly, so you can approach me anytime,” Yuri said. The class applauded and welcomed Yuri. Then, Mrs. Zapanta oriented them with the school’s rules and regulations before the classes began.

 

            The next day, Yuri and IJ were always together. IJ toured Yuri around the big campus. Yuri helped IJ in solving some Math problems. They ate lunch together and played Dota together after school. While they were happily doing things together, someone sadly watched from a distance. It was Jayver Lendio. He was IJ’s bestfriend before Yuri came. They used to do things together.

 

            Once, in the park, Jayver saw IJ sitting alone. “Hey! Want to play Dota? I bet I could beat you this time,” Jayver said. “I wish I could but I already promised Yuri to play with him,” IJ answered. “Oh! It’s alright. Maybe next time,” Jayver said. Yuri arrived with food in his hand. “You’re Jayver, right? I’m Yuri,” he said as he extended his right hand. “Nice to meet you,” Jayver said and they shook hands. “Let’s go now,” Yuri said to IJ. “We need to go now. See you at school!” IJ exclaimed. Jayver just smiled to IJ and Yuri. Yuri frowned and looked Jayver with fearless eyes in a very strange way. Only Jayver saw that.

 

            Everyday, Jayver tried to become IJ’s bestfriend again. But it seemed that Yuri did not give IJ any chance to talk to Jayver.

 

            One Saturday morning, IJ was late in his meeting with Yuri. Yuri was very worried about IJ. He could not stop walking back and forth. He always looked at his watch and tried to call IJ. He didn’t stop walking until five minutes passed and IJ arrived in the park. When Yuri saw IJ, he rapidly said, “Where did you go? Why are you so late? I tried calling you many times but you didn’t answer. You weren’t with Jayver, were you?” IJ was startled. “No. And if I was, what’s the big deal? He’s my friend. Or he used to be, after you told me to avoid him. And I’m only ten minutes late because of the traffic,” IJ said, trying to calm Yuri. “I’m sorry,” Yuri started. “I was just really worried about you. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. You’re like a brother to me already. I also thought that Jayver is a bad influence. He smokes and drinks alcohol. He’s also stingy because he doesn’t take a bath everyday.” IJ was thinking before he answered, “Yeah! You’re right! I’m sorry I let you wait. I didn’t notice my cellphone while I was on my way here. I’m thankful that you treat me as you’re brother. Let’s make our assignment now.”

 

            That night, Yuri was looking at his reflection in the mirror inside his room. He was thinking very deep. Then, he suddenly punched himself with his own hands. It left a reddish color on his face. Yuri felt the pain. He clenched his fists and did it again and again. He did it on his face and sometimes in his arms. After that, his flawless face was full of blood. His left eye went black. There were black spots on his face and arms. He looked like he was beaten up. Yuri, despite the pain, was calm. He opened his cellphone and called IJ. “Please come to my house immediately. It’s in South Poblacion. Hurry!” he said with a soft voice. When IJ arrived, he saw Yuri’s big house with only three persons living in it: the driver, the servant and Yuri himself. IJ went to Yuri’s huge bedroom and was shocked when he saw Yuri’s condition. “Oh my God! Are you okay? What happened?” IJ asked, worried. “I went to talk to Jayver. I told him that I want to be his friend but this is what he did to me,” Yuri said with pain in his eyes. “He did this? How could he? I should talk to him.” Yuri held IJ’s arm tightly. “No, you shouldn’t! He threatened me that he will do more harm if I tell you of what he did. But I thought you must know. Let’s just avoid him. So please, don’t ever talk to him. Promise me!” Yuri’s voice became louder. “Say promise!” IJ immediately answered, “I promise!” Yuri smiled. “I’m going to call 911 to bring you to the hospital,” IJ continued. Yuri shook his head and said, “No. these wounds are just minor. My servant can help me cure myself. Please call Vincent, the servant. And thanks for always being here for me, my brother.”

 

            On the following days, Jayver noticed that IJ started to avoid him. When he tried to talk to him, IJ walked away. Jayver realized that he would never have IJ as a bestfriend again. So, he tried to be a bestfriend to their other guy classmate, Jose Leo. But Jose Leo had bestfriends already namely Xenia and Airene. Jayver was crestfallen. He knew he would not have a bestfriend like IJ. He chose to be a close friend to his seatmate. But instead of just finding friendship, he found more. He found love. Jayver and Esther fell in love with each other.

 

            Just as when Jayver thought he had nothing more to do with IJ, he heard something unexpected. That day, he went back to school, though it was already dark, to get his laptop because he forgot it. Then, he heard someone talking.

 

            “I know you don’t care about me. That’s why you’re in USA and I’m here in the Philippines.” It was Yuri, talking on the phone. Jayver listened more closely. “Yes, I take my medicines when I want to! Haha!!” there was silence after the laughter. “Damn it! Piss off, Mom! You and Dad leave me alone!!” Yuri hung up. He cried but then laughed afterwards. Then, he heard a strange noise. When he turned around, he saw Jayver, eavesdropping. Jayver was brave and said, “What medicines are you talking about? These?” Jayver held out a white, small bottle with writings on it. “Where did you get that?” Yuri yelled. “It doesn’t matter because I know what these medicines are for. My Mom is a doctor and I’ve seen this before. You do have lots of secrets, don’t you?” Jayver said. Yuri was furious. He grabbed the medicines and held Jayver’s neck very tightly. Jayver tried to escape Yuri’s big hands but he couldn’t. Yuri was much bigger and stronger than Jayver. Yuri held Jayver’s neck tighter which blocked the oxygen from entering Jayver’s lungs. Then, Jayver could not bear the lack of oxygen.

           

 The next day, Jayver was reported missing. Police were everywhere, searching for him. Then, Jayver’s dead body was found floating in the river. Esther and Jayver’s family cried out loud. Everyone sympathized for the loss. But nobody knew who did it.

 

            Meanwhile, in the computer laboratory of LLTVS, IJ was researching something in the internet. After a few types and clicks, IJ was very shocked with what he had found.

 

            IJ went immediately to Yuri’s house. He didn’t see the driver or Vincent, the servant. He went inside and looked for Yuri. He found Yuri in the kitchen, eating some apples. He was surprised to see IJ but he was also glad. “What are you doing here, my brother?” Yuri asked. “I came to ask, what the hell did you do to Jayver?” IJ was angry. “Yesterday, at 6 pm, he texted me this.” IJ let Yuri read the text message. It says: “Do not trust Yuri. Look at the medicines in his bag.” Yuri was calm when he spoke. “Are you accusing me of killing Jayver just because of this stupid text message?” IJ was still angry and said, “I looked in your bag and found medicines named Zyprexa. I researched the internet and found out that your medicine is for persons having bipolar disorder which means, you are not psychologically well. I know Jayver was still at school at 6 pm yesterday. And I know that you were there at school that time. What did you do to him?” Yuri answered, “Nothing, my brother. I did nothing to him. Don’t you believe me, my brother?” IJ became very angry. He shouted, “I’m not your brother! I’m not Jubie Jay! I’m not your dead brother! You’re brother is dead. He died when he was 7 and you were only 10. He’s dead!” Yuri’s eyes were filled with tears and then, the forgotten memory came back: Yuri was playing a ball with Jubie Jay outside their house. They were both still kids that time. The ball went into the street. He told his brother to get the ball. So, Jubie Jay ran after the ball. But then, Yuri heard a very loud crash. Jubie Jay was hit by a car. Since that day, Yuri thought that he was the reason for his brother’s death. The memory passed and reality kicked in. He looked at IJ’s eyes for a moment before saying, “I’m really impressed with how much you have found out about me. But I’m also very sad with the very little time we spent together. All my other used to be bestfriends were really kind to me. But their kindness always bound to end just like yours. But you’re the most special among them. You very much look like him. You could have been my brother but I guess you’re just really my bestfriend.” “I was never your bestfriend!” IJ said. He was walking away when he felt a deep pain on his lower back. He touched it and blood was flowing from it. Yuri had stabbed IJ. And IJ soon died under Yuri’s laughter.

 

            Yuri migrated to another country, to a very faraway place. No one knew he was responsible for the two murders in La Libertad and nobody will. Yuri decided to transfer to another school and to find his next bestfriend.

 

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Adriana
Review
Adriana wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2012

heey there!!
Well, you have an amazing story here, but there are a few things you need to change to turn it into a hit ^^

" Not so long ago, in the school of La Libertad Technical-Vocational School, there was a section called the “Special Science Class”. They were composed of 17 students since their freshmen year, until when they were in their senior year. A very handsome guy named Yuri Ganaganag became their classmate. He transferred from Emerald Academy in Sagocoy City. He was very tall, has a very fair complexion and has a very cute face."

Here, try to introduce us Yuri as if we are one of the students there... make us emphatize with him, so we can understand why IJ liked him so fast. Talk about his charisma, or how he smile gently for everyone and made people feel comfortable around him. Other thing... Try to put some emmotion on the lines, to make the reader enter your story and live it.

I guess the major problem with it is the lack of emmotion... otherwise you describe really well the bipolar thing and the end is just great. If you work a little bit more on this you will get featured with no doubt.
Feel free to ask anything and I'm sorry if anything I said here sounded harsh for you. It was not my intention ok?? Bye bye

lyra replied · Jul 5, 2012

hey there . thanks a lot . i take criticisms well, there just like compliments . hehe! thank yu! it has been a year since i wrote this . and i know this hasn't been written really well . but i'll keep on writing :)

User avatar
OverEasy
Review
OverEasy wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2012

The first problem that I see with this is the formatting. It makes it nearly impossible to read it, especially in the dialogue sections. Dialogue is never supposed to be in one big text block. It should be formatted as such.

“So, how’s La Libertad for you so far?” IJ asked.

“It’s really beautiful! I love it here! I already made many friends in less than a day,” Yuri answered.

“That’s really good,” IJ said, smiling.

Their adviser, Mrs. Zapanta entered the room. She was very lovely and a very good teacher. She first let Yuri introduce himself to the whole class.

“I’m Yuri June Ganaganag, 16 years old. I’m from Emerald Academy. My favorite subject is Math and I love playing Dota during my free time. I’m also friendly, so you can approach me anytime,” Yuri said.

The class applauded and welcomed Yuri. Then, Mrs. Zapanta oriented them with the school’s rules and regulations before the classes began.


Beyond that, there is very little actually happening here. Even when writing a short story, it should never feel like all of the information is being shoved at you. Right now, you're telling me all sorts of things, and I am left wondering why I am supposed to care. No offense intended. It is difficult to feel anything for the characters because so far they are very bland.

I know that Yuri murdered two people, and I still don't care. The characters are nearly nonexistent. They aren't interesting people. They are hardly even people at all, actually. They find some drugs in this kids bag, and he kills them for it... there could be a story there, but right now there is not.

The first thing I would work on is correcting your formatting, as these huge blocks of dialogue are painfully difficult to read. The second thing I would work on is simply expanding everything you have done here. Make us feel your characters. Don't tell me that one of them has been stabbed, because I don't care. Explain the shock at seeing drugs, the pain of the knife sliding into their gut, the fear of dying. Give me *something* to give me any sort of feeling towards these people.

There is an idea here, but it's not a story quite yet. Keep working with it, and it could be something really great.

Hope this helps,
OverEasy
TMNT

lyra replied · Jun 29, 2012

thanks a lot! :) for everything . i'm really a frustrated writer. whaha! but i'll keep writing still . hehe! thanks again ^_^



"Storybooks and roleplays are just for fun!" To which I say: of course! But why only "just"? Sometimes fun is found in the full-send. Sometimes fun is found in taking it seriously, and aiming to do it with excellence!
— soundofmind