I've posted the old version of this somewhere on the sight, but the reviews were mixed. Now I've updated. What do you guys think?
Sorry, you've missed it DX
Answers I am after:
1. Does this make you want to read more?
2. Is there anything I could make better?
3. Is it too wordy?
4. Is there anything about the narrarator so far that makes her unlikable?
thank you in advance!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Answers I am after:
1. Does this make you want to read more?
2. Is there anything I could make better?
3. Is it too wordy?
4. Is there anything about the narrarator so far that makes her unlikable?
1. is this a prologue?..well, it raised my curiosity, so i wanted to read the rest.
2. it's fine...it sounded mysterious and controversial to me.
3. no, not really..actually, i love wordy stories, those full of explanation and details.
4. her manner of writing..love it!..
god bless.
Hey there lxtmidnight, just dropping in briefly.
You've got me interested, but only due to the last sentence. I'm curious as to the reasons behind it. However, what disappointed me is the narrator's voice. Her diction is too literal and filled with cliches like "drop-dead gorgeous", "devil of a mistress," "rag tag men and women" etc for a topic that requires subtlety, metaphorical language and a strong sense of insight. Basically put, your narrator's voice isn't ideal with the topic that the narrator will explore.
Avoid cliches, use other ways to express these ideas that you have here. Good luck.
Andy.
Hey!
You've got a great start here. I really like the way you write; it's neat and pretty but it still manages to be intriguing.
Yes! It's really a very interesting beginning and I'm actually dying to read more. :]
No, not really. But you're walking a fine line with the beginning; any more information packed into the beginning paragraph could be considered and info-dump. I think it's fine as it is, though. Just be careful if you're planning on adding any more.
Nope. I really like the way it's written so far.
No, besides from the fact that she could become cliché if you keep piling on the bad-girl-doing-something-she-shouldn't feel. I like her so far -- she reminds me of Gemma in A Great And Terrible Beauty -- but again, you should be careful to avoid the clichés.
---
Overall, this is too short to give a proper review, but what you have here is an excellent start. Let me know when you write more!
Cheers,
Camille<3
#1 : Yes, definitley makes want to read more.
#2: I think it's good enough.
#3:Not at all. It's only too wordy if the words are boring. This was very interesting.
#4: Not really. Besides, you can't change a character based on whether people like her or not. She is who she is, and that's the way it is.
PM when you have chapter one posted.
Ciao baby,
Dreamworx95,
XOXO
Thank you for the feedback everyone!
I'll work on the part with the one character and try to explain her a bit more. The revised one will be posted soon XD
1. Does this make you want to read more? It certainly was intriguing. The part that grabbed my attention was the very last sentence, I can say for sure, I was not expecting that.
2. Is there anything I could make better? I agree with Leapy. The wording made it seem like the narrator had to, but didn't want to in the slightest.
3. Is it too wordy? Again, I agree with Leapy. If another character is going to be mentioned, make sure you're giving them justice.
4. Is there anything about the narrarator so far that makes her unlikable? Not so far, I actually like her attitude.
1. Does this make you want to read more? Yes.
This part just seems abit rushed, and you try to avoid what this woman really is/who she really is, when it would be just as interesting to give a slight more away about her.2. Is there anything I could make better?
3. Is it too wordy? Just the part stated above.
4. Is there anything about the narrarator so far that makes her unlikable? No.
1. Does it mak you want to keep reading? Yes, it does.
2. Is there anything I could make better? You mean besides cutting out "double the death penalty"?
3. Is it too wordy? Not at all.
4. Is there anything about the narrator that makes her unlikeable? No, I don't think so.