her eyes sparkle when i look into them
i can see a future and the love i have deep inside
her hands so soft and so graceful
when we interlock fingers it like interlocking to hearts as one
her lips so soft and moist
kissing her is like kissing the sweetest of rain drops
her arms wrap around me like an angels wings
makeing my feel so sucure
like nothing will ever go wrong
holding her tight never wanting to let go
of the one i love and feel for.
knowing this is it and this is where i wanna be
forever more
looking into her eyes as they sparkle like the night sky
holding her hand and interlocking our two hearts as one
kissing her sweet moist lips and my knees going weak
my love for her will never die
by 9-14-08
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hey, welcome to YWS! May I remind you that you are expected to do 2 reviews per every piece of work you post? Or if you didn't know that, now you do.
This is more like a poem than fiction. Even though it would be classified as "romantic", you need to apply to have it changed to the poetry section, maybe Dramatic Poetry? That being said, I will continue the review as a poem.
You should capitalize the beginning of every line. You should have a comma or period at the end of every line. You should capitalize "I"s. If you don't do this your work is not going to be taken seriously, because it appears that you don't take pride in it.
"Two", not "to".
Either "like an angel's wings" or "like angels' wings" or "like angel wings".
"Making", "me", "secure".
"Wanna"? Now that's just sloppy. "Want to", please.
You use similes a lot. A whole lot. Consider using metaphors or just more adjectives, because description cannot be all similes. It gets boring. Try some metaphors, or just adjectives. You also use the same similes repetitively, which is a bad thing. Instead of saying you're "interlocking two hearts as one" twice, think of a different simile. Instead of saying her lips are "sweet and moist" twice, pick some new adjectives. Be creative! Original! Refreshing! This poem makes me think you haven't looked over this poem much.
Remember, for 2 posts you should have 4 reviews already done!