Isles full of unwanted pieces
Torn up couches , confused clocks , and scratched up records
A graveyard of old memories that are no longer remembered
An old radio sings a tune from the time back when everything was alive
The pieces grow dull and reminiscent
No longer able to soak up the liveliness - only indulge in the loneliness
Couch with his sunken shoulders and frayed body
Compressing closer to the ground beneath him
Knows he can no longer provide any comfort , even for himself
Clock can no longer differentiate between hours and minutes or days and years
He no longer says It’s only a matter of time till we make it out of here !
Records don’t sing the way they used to : trying to bring their youthful voice back
But only sounding like a child trying to read for the very first time
The old woman from around the corner croons as she strolls about the store
Just up the street , her house is full of refurnished couches , timely clocks , and polished records
The remaining of her life seems to be absorbed and deprived by these pieces
Time , comfort , and the crooning of words
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there!
I love the subject of this poem! I've never read a poem like this before. I like how you made something as ordinary as Goodwill and made it poetic. I have a few suggestions that I'd like to point out, and of course, you don't have to listen to them if you don't agree
"Isles full of unwanted pieces"
I believe you meant aisles. An isle is an island or peninsula (usually a small one).
"An old radio sings a tune from the time back when everything was alive"
I personally wouldn't use both words "time back" together. You can say "from the time when everything was alive" or "from back when everything was alive" or something along those lines.
"He no longer says It’s only a matter of time till we make it out of here !"
I wouldn't put a space between "here" and your exclamation mark.
"Records don’t sing the way they used to : trying to bring their youthful voice back"
I don't really think that a colon fits there, but if that's what you want to use, then it's up to you! I would personally put a comma.
You also use the phrase "no longer" a lot of times throughout the poem; I'd change it up to avoid unnecessary repetition.
Overall, I really love this poem! It is very unique, and I hope my review helped.
This was pretty awesome! I love how you gave it a more narrative feel. It's not very often that I see poetry that reads like a book, but retains the (for lack of a better word) poetic nature. The poem comes to a conclusive ending, and doesn't leave anything to be desired, which is impressive considering the storytelling aspects. Overall, this was really great, and I cant wait to see what else you're able to do!
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Hi and welcome to YWS! I'm Silverquill12, here with a review.
First off, your imagery and personification is fantastic. I love how you chose to focus on three certain pieces in the thrift shop. I especially love the line "he can no longer provide any comfort, even for himself." I like how at the end, you bring some solution into the picture, with the old woman who takes these broken things and brings them back to life in a way.
A couple nitpicks: when you say "refurnished couches" I think you mean refurbished. "Refurnish" is a word that usually relates to a room that has had new pieces of furniture placed in it. "Refurbish" however is a word that means to restore something. Also, you repeat "no longer" in lines 9 and 10. I'd suggest replacing one of them, like with "can't anymore" or something.
Overall: great job! I look forward to seeing more.