To Be Like Jesus

*stars*
wow, there are a lot of reviews on this. I have to say I agree with other people above, however-- I don;t think this is pretentious, but it does feel very hymn-ish. Actually, it sounds like something they do at my church where we go "today mark, jacob, annie goldrun and several other died of sickness, war and violence. Merciful god, guide them quickly to the departed and summon sorrow in our hearts for the families of the departed. Amen"
It was also a tad bit long--- there were some stanzas that you could have cut out of this, to get the same message across in a more concise manner. I tend to think that the shortest way to deliver the message is usually the best-- it has the most punch, and the most delivery.
If you do cut, don't get rid of your last line. It was perfect.

I love how your writing isn't like the others and how it's not abstract in a way. It's straightforward, and perfect, to a T!! I also like how you put reality into your work also. It made me open up my eyes and appreciate what I have.

WaY tO gO!! bTw...i GaVe YoU a StAr.

I do love the sincerity that you can just feel pouring out of every line in this, and how obvious is that you truly desire to love people in a way similar to the amazing way that God loves us. And I truly did enjoy reading this, however I did feel that toward the end it seemed as though you were cramming too much information into this poem. It might just be me, but it kind of seemed a little longer than necessary, and you didn't need quite as much as you put in here to get your idea across. But still, this was such a touching, heart-warming kind of write, and I enjoyed reading this

Absolutely beautiful. It's almost like a prayer, so sincere and true. If it is one, I know He answered it for you!

The words you use are so captivating; I read the title, and I was stolen. I had to read it, just to see. Then, as I read it, the images you built in the lines brought tears to my eyes.

It may not rhyme, and it may not make sense to others, but I understand it completely. I love this.

Keep writing, and keeping believing.

~ Ayumi

HI!!
This was beautiful, inspiring. I loved it. It's so beautiful. YOu treated all the problems that our society is havng and put them in this poem in such a beautiful way.

I can't reaview right now, but I can tell you that this was great. I wish I could write poetry in such a Christian manner and that it could touch others like your did.

It was awesome.
Pudin

Thanks everyone for your comments! And yes, the spacing is messed up. When I first posted it the spaces were still there, so I'm not sure why they disppeared now. Weird.

Hey. You seem to have attracted a lot of interest with this. Awesome! But I'm afraid I'm going to be one of the unhelpful ones.

The only thing I can say is that clearly, its in stanzas, but you lost the breaks. This happened when you uploaded it right? More than anything I guess your poem reminds me of a Casting Crowns song, which isn't a bad comment to get.

Keep going! And keep writing about your beliefs. God is the best inspiration.

m

Hey luv2write42!!!

I definitely enjoy reading rhyming poetry once in a while, so the rhyming here was pretty sweet. I have no general disagreement with any specific choice of words or with any grammatical or syntax problems that this poem might have.

However, I did feel very perplexed by the poem's--pardon me if this sounds too harsh, I just couldn't find a mellower word--pretentiousness. (I'm not even sure if that's a word.) The poem itself--the idea, the plot--was much more oriented towards the "church hymn" category rather than an actual "poem". The style, the rhyming, and mostly the cloyingly sacramental imagery all contributed to this feeling of pious song. In short, I feel like I would find this poem by arbitrarily ripping out a page from a Latter Day Saint hymn book rather than opening a poetry collection.

For example, the first two stanzas--the boy, the wretchedly poor homeless child, seems so ambiguous and undefined that one would suspect him to be the same as the rest of the world, almost banal in the sense of the word. The same could be said about the sobbing girl. They're both so trivial and grossly overused when it comes to religious imagery--Jesus brings hope to the poor children--that I would suggest that, in order to continue with such imagery, you rewrite the poem into a much more innovative and fresh blueprint. Perhaps, as part of your rhyming structure of course, you should include some type of alternative, intriguing lessons that God somehow stimulates in the kids--not just "hope" or "comfort to the weary and the broken", but perhaps something bigger and more crucial--perhaps they're all searching for the meaning of life, and God somehow provides a very enchanting truism that can ring true to all of us? I don't know. That is for you to figure out.

Hope I helped!

Hello! I haven't reviewed in ages - I never even noticed the site was down - but I saw this, read it, and felt like making a few small comments.

There’s a young woman,her face held in her hands,trembling without reliefin the wake of dreaded news.

This sent chills down my spine. Literally. I loved the last line, and the way you made the last line separate was perfect. I can't tell you much that could be improved, but if anything, it would be to shorten it just a little. You're a great poet. Keep it up.
-youreit

Now this is what I like to call REAL poetry! It makes my day when I read something by a fellow christian. God bless =)

OMGz!!!!!!that was soooo awesome! i love ur poem!its soo good! you wouldnt mind if i read that to my church one day would you? very deep.......keep writing!im officially your fan!!! PM me when you post something=]

Hello, I'll be your reviewer for today. You're idea isn't original, by far, but it's apparent even as you read it, you feel a great deal about this topic. Now, I admit, I'm agnostic here, but I swear, I read this with as open an mind as I could.

This poem has a huge flaw, you try too fit too much in and after about eight stanza you lost me. I'm all for theme, it's a muchness idea, but you can tell, it was personal to you. But, as you go on about it, it's turns to pretentiousness and condencending towards the reader, you instead preach aggressively. a poem should make a person feel what the writer feels.

You fail to do this, as after a while the repetition loses all the interest I had in this.

I won't lie, but I couldn't finish this, it just went on to long, and the point kept being thrown in our face with each new stanza. After a while it's like 'Okay okay, I get the picture!'

I can only say one good thing, you put your soul into this, you did it, but then you just abused that, and decided to hit us on the head with metaphorical mallet continually.

Please revise and concentrate on one image and develope it, don't overload the poem, don't go on and on. My best advice for now, is read others and read the greats, I can't think of any religious poems right now, but any will do.

Good luck
VSN

I can offer no suggestions, other than possibly make the last line part of the quatrain before it. That aside, this nearly brought tears to my eyes.

oh wow. This was seriously awesome! I loved it.

And though I know you posted this poem in hopes of a helpful review, I can't really give you one as I am in a rush, sorry!

...But hey, everyone likes to hear how much their work rocked, right?

happy writing

-ash