Published January 31, 2010
Even though I will cause havoc and fight,
I know I will still stay the night.
As the mist glares in beyond the path,
This is my chance,
To breathe at last.
He steps out on the terrace to watch the moonlight fall,
I stand knowing that this is my call.
The cast iron head sat so bright,
As I swung it over his head that night.
At last the cast had come to good use,
No more hurt, lies and abuse.
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139,757 Literary Works • 672,710 Reviews
Like everyone else has said: Welcome!!! This is a great site.
Anyway.. this is a really good poem. Really really good. The words you chose are perfect and flow so well..
Just a few changes that would make it better than it already is: The rhyming is off. It would be best to rhyme every line if you have any rhyme in there at all. You go from rhyming the first two to not rhyming the next three lines and then the rest of the poem rhymes. I have trouble with this too, so I usually don't rhyme, but the rhyming in your poem works you should just really fix it in the three lines in the first stanza and then it will be good.
I was also a little confused about what happened. The poem capitvated me, it felt like it ended too early, and a little bit more discription like who the people are would be great.
Really great job!!! I hope this is helpful.
Hi,
Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.
I really enjoyed how this progressed from beginning to end, and your imagery is very effective.
I'd change the first line as Ben said, as I don't think it quite fits. I'd try something that sounds more colloquial, still ending in "fight" so you don't lose the rhyme. I'd suggest something more visual as I think the poem is most powerful when you're using vivid images like "He steps out on the terrace to watch the moonlight fall".
I'd cut the commas after "chance" and "bright" because you don't really need them. I'd also cut "the" before "moonlight" because I think it makes the line too long.
I really love;
"The cast iron head sat so bright,
As I swung it over his head that night.
At last the cast had come to good use".
It's a great image and I love how what's being described contrasts with the rhyme and the calm tone.
Hope this helps,
Jas
Hey there!
Welcome to YWS!
What a brilliant poem!
That was stunningly powerful.
At first I was a bit bewildered by the message you were getting across and I'm still not sure about your opening line:
For me this doesn't really tie in with the rest of the poem.
To be honest with you I think you've punctuated this really well. I also think the structuring is very good. Some people may look at this poem and criticize the length of some of the longer lines but I'd have to disagree. I think the longer lines produce that uncertain rhythm and contribute to the powerful effects.
I think this is the first line where I started thinking "Wow, this is a gem of writing":
We've all been there where we get that heart wrenching desire to be rid of something and just be back to 'normal' and I think the ideas of context you show it in here is beautifully well written. Nothing could've captivated me more.
My favourite part? It would have to be your ending. Despite being implicit in every stanza previous, at the end you give the reader the outright explicit and there's a huge blow of impact. Usually I like poems that inspire mixed interpretations, but yours has a solid unmistakable meaning and because it's so powerfully written, it is impossible for me to ask you to be more mysterious. If I did, I'd be wrong.
Keep up the excellance.
Ben
Wow. What an emotional poem. It really engages the reader and you really tackled the subject well. Sorry if this is written from personal experience. It is very powerful and is my favourite poem today! Looking forward to seeing more and welcome to YWS!