Some nights were bright,
I was able to sleep so tight.
Yet others were worse,
it was like a sickly curse.
Who was this person,
The one that I loved,
no longer shining from up above.
Oh but I need him,
He is my future, present and Past
I cant imagine how I will ever last.
But im made to feel like this
with merley a simple kiss.
What is he
To have me down on my knee
Begging for forgivness
When I am not the misleading
nor deceiving.
You must face your time,
As I have done mine
You are worse than any given crime.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
This was a pretty good poem. The only problems I saw with it were a few punctuation problems. For example the whole future, present, and past line. I don't know if you capitalized "Past" for emphasis or what. Good job though, with the rhymes, I would have had a tough time with that. I do also agree that if you stuck to the rhyme pattern it would have sounded a lot smoother. Nice work though! Keep it up!
Wonderful. I love all the detail and fun all around it! I hope you continue to write. I would definitely read more!
Hello! This is quite nice, I like the concept. However, I think you could improve the rhyming - some of it sounds pretty forced and obvious, or simple - past and last, bright and tight, etc. Also, you change the rhyming patter throughout. Let's take a look:
Some nights were bright, - A
I was able to sleep so tight. - A
Yet others were worse, - B
it was like a sickly curse. - B
Who was this person, - C
The one that I loved, - D
no longer shining from up above. - D
Oh but I need him, - E
He is my future, present and Past - F
I cant imagine how I will ever last. - F
But im made to feel like this - G
with merley a simple kiss. - G
What is he - H
To have me down on my knee - H
Begging for forgivness - I
When I am not the misleading - J
nor deceiving. - J
You must face your time, - K
As I have done mine - L
You are worse than any given crime. - K
Do you see what I mean? It would be great if you could keep with the AA, BB, CC, etc format that you use in most of the poem. I think this would make it flow better. Apart from the rhyming problems, this is pretty good, so experiment and have fun with it.
Good....Very Good ...I like it
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Classy here! Let us start.
Should be I'm, or I am.
I liked this. I like the little bit of bliblical referance. It was refreshing, because I don't like reading poems that are all about religion. I mean, I am pretty sure you are speaking of God when you say
If you are not talking about God, and are maybe talking about a dead family member, then you need to clarify that.
This was good, I hope to see more of you on YWS.
Classy
Good....Very Good ...I like it !!!!!!!!!!
Hey,
welcome to YWS!
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This is a nice poem, if a bit cliché and I find the rhyming very artificial and it looks like you wrote everyline to make it rhyme which isn't great, but i like the idea, maybe spend some more time on it, the rhyming puts the emphasis on the last word of the verse which doesn't suit english very well, try to change your rhythm so that your poem flows better! xx Velvet
Hi good poem. you poem creates a vivid image. It is way better than mine. I think you are missing some punctuation. The poem also has nice rhythm.
keep up the good work