The world may find you left behind,
is not all that it seemed.
These fancies found may be bound,
by all that could be dreamed.
For the more you hide the dark inside,
the more you start to rot.
Your mind takes hold and heart runs cold,
for all you've loved, forgot.
-Lunar
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,522 Literary Works • 673,294 Reviews
Hello, drflapjack here. I really like the rhythm of this and the rhyming. Also the I agree with Arathorth when they said that maybe you should change "The world may find you left behind,
is not all that it seemed." to the world which left you far behind / is not all that it seemed. The fifth and sixth lines are my favourite by far, "For the more you hide the dark inside,
the more you start to rot." For some reason it reminds me of myself, which intrigues me even more.
The last line confuses me a little bit,
"for all you've loved, forgot."
why is what all you loved forgotten?
Other than that, great job.
Hey!
So I love a good rhyming pattern but this one takes the proverbial biscuit. I love the basic ABAB CDCD but then the internal rhymes too!? Ugh, it was glorious.
Content wise, you nailed it too - it's nice and short and concise, something I find consistently escaping me. You manage to express so much in eight lines and that is definitely something to be proud of.
Criticism:
This is gonna be nice and short, and everything I say is obviously subjective and you can do with my advice what you wish.
I guess I am confused with that second line. You're saying that the world is not all it seemed, but then this world has been cut off by the "may find you left behind" verbal clause. I guess you need an "it's not all that it seemed" but that feels stagnant. Perhaps "the world which left you far behind / is not all that it seemed"? I'm not sure honestly, so try playing around with it to see what fits.
Also,
You need another syllable to fit with the rhythm. Perhaps "these fancies found that may be bound" would work, just so you keep that flow that you so effortlessly create.
That's it - that is literally it for criticism: everything else is spot on. I really love this, it's dark, mysterious and flows oh so nicely like melting butter and it's just... One day I'll nail a rhyming pattern this good and you'll hear me shouting about it from miles away. You should be really proud with this, because it shows real talent.
Keep writing!