A free write assignment for Creative Writing. It's just a piece I wrote for fun. Though I do like the characters even though I didn't explore them very much. Feel free to critique if you like ^_^.
Like a Monster
“This sucks!” I glowered vehemently at my reflection. My silver eyes glared in return, which only served to infuriate me further. My mother only snarled in response to my protests as she clawed at my curly russet hair with her nails. Father was leaning against the doorway of my bedroom, dressed to the nines in a charcoal suit with top hat and tails, a slender walking stick in his pale hands. His cool voice called out to me in gentle reprimand.
“You should be thankful for your heritage Helena.” A slight grin had spread across his handsome face revealing the pair of sharp fangs that hid behind his full lips. I scoffed at him and watched with some satisfaction at the way his dark brows furrowed in annoyance at my immaturity.
“Yeah, as if having werewolf genes clash with my vampire ones is so wonderful.” My sarcasm was rewarded with a sharp rap to my head by the bony knuckles of my mother. I glared at her through the mirror and she merely bared her own fangs at me, her sharp gold eyes piercing mine. As beautiful as my mother was she had one hell of a temper, then again most of my werewolf relatives did.
I shrieked in pain as Mom finally grew exasperated enough to tug my hair into the bun she had been trying to make for the past half hour. Her ocher hands spread a mass of glittery gel over my hair to keep it in place. Which would work for my sister’s hair, my hair not so much. She spun me around quickly and gave me a long once over with a scrutinizing gaze. I did the same, admiring the way she looked in her gown of silver silk, an ironic choice of fabric really. The cloth clung to her every curve and complimented her dark skin and shimmering eyes that were lined with the darkest of kohl. Her lips curved into a satisfied grin and she pressed a kiss to my hairline and I to hers as per custom of her people.
“You look beautiful pup.” She beamed at her handiwork before taking the arm my father had extended to her. “The ceremony is about to being, don’t be late.” I nodded as the odd couple that had created my twin and I glided gracefully from the room, leaving me to contemplate my appearance.
Sure my genes clashed with my lust for blood and lust for human flesh but at least the worst of that only occurred during a full moon. I had double the weaknesses but also double the strength. You want to take me out? Better have some pure silver crucifixes handy or you’re my next meal complete with a nice Chianti. I chuckled at my mental joke before noticing the figure lounging on my bed. I turn with a grin, looking at my older sister.
We both have tanned skin and silver eyes with wild curls that are the darkest of browns. We have the same sly smile and sense of mischief. Our biggest difference is our genes. I have the luxury of being half vampire and half werewolf. She gets the short end of the stick, her version of our whacked out genes canceled out leaving her completely mortal and with a much-shortened lifespan compared to the rest of our estranged family.
Needless to say she was bitter and angry over my wonderful endowments and her lack of them. You’d think she’d be happy to have the body our mother has but she’d rather have my powers over her T & A any day. Goes to show how you never appreciate what you really have.
“So Hel, you ready to be inducted into our insanely fantastical family?” Her voice was hard edged; jealous with the attention I would be receiving that would leave her in the shadows.
“Not particularly Valerie. Though, I do love your choice in attire.” I watched her smirk as she rolled off my bed to do her super model impression. She sashayed from side to side to show off her tight fitting low-cut dress of neon lime green leopard print with matching four-inch pumps. She had blown out her hair to mimic a lion’s mane and she had a pair of huge silver earrings that matched with the large silver beads that decorated her slender neck. Her eyes were lined with kohl and glitter with dark lipstick adorning her mouth.
She had to rebel to be noticed. So she’d decided to become a matron of gaudy thrift store threads of which she’d tear apart to her own design with a sewing machine and needle. In the meantime, she smoked and drank the cheapest of liquors and ate whatever she wanted as she pursued both a modeling and fashion career rolled into one. The only gene that occurred in her favor was that she didn’t actually have to eat. Valerie had no appetite for blood, human flesh, or even mortal vittles of any kind. She’d be great on that show survivor come to think of it.
“So chosen one, how does your bastard sister look?”
I smiled appreciatively, knowing that this ceremony of my coming of age will likely be the most horrendous clash of werewolf and vampire culture the underground has ever known.
“Like a monster.”
Valerie beamed.
FIN
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: This was quite a fun little skit. In fact I think this could really have worked as a story if you wanted to. The idea is pretty cool and I'd definitely have read a story written like this. And this piece in itself is written pretty well...the characters makes sense and we get enough information to understand things without it getting overly infodumpy. And that's great.
Anyway let's get right to it,
That's a good place to start things off. We know who's there and where which is not the worst way to start things off.
Borderline expositional dialogue but I'll let this one slide for now.
That's a really good description right there.
This is a really cool idea (
I want to copy this) but it just feels like straight up exposition read to us from a history book...this has to be spread out a little bit more subtly.Somebody paid attention in Biology class.
Another great description of an outfit.
As a voracious foodie I would say that is not a gene that is doing you a favor.
Roll Credits...sorry...force of habit.
Aaand that's about it for this one.
Overall: This is a fun little scene that is packed with some really cool ideas. It flows quite well, the characters are fairly unique and you've done a good job with description and the setting. Overall a really well written piece.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I'm here!
Vehemently. Nice. I'm sorry, but I dislike -ly verbs!. How did her silver eye glaring make her madder? And I think you need a comma after 'curly', to separate the two adjectives. Also, the last sentence I think should be the beginning of th e next paragraph; put it with the dialog, not away from it.comma after 'face'
using the word 'ones' sort of makes the sentence odd, maybe if you reworded the sentence to something like 'as if having my warewolf and vampire genes clash...' also, either way, change 'is' to 'are'. Plural.
perhaps you don't know how to punctuate adjectives? Comma after sharp. If you really don't, ask me, and I'll explain.
either split these two apart, or turn the comma into a semicolon.
this sentence feels to long, it bothers me.
See the second sentence? Fragment! But I've explained this to you before, so I'll spare you
should the 'her people' be 'our people'? A suggestion.
Oh my. I'm sure you get my point.
I don't think weakness should be plural; especially since you didn't make strength plural as well.
did you....just go into the present tense? *stabs* going from the past tense, to this, sounds wrong. had, not have.
model not modeling, since fashion isn't a verb either (it would look odd any other way)
I didn't like it. Honestly, if it wasn't the fact that it was you, Luna, I probably would have stopped all together. It bored me, I just didn't like it. I didn't care about the story, and furthermore, I didn't like the voice or style approach you used. You sit better in third, or at the least, your voice here in first doesn't hold my interest.
I suppose the general idea of the story was a cute one. Amusing. Not so sure its original. Hope I didn't disappoint you in my dislike of it so strongly. Nice try though, everything is worth a shot. Better luck next time? Oh, and what the HELL is ocher? *dial up inhibits my pulling up dictionary.com*
It was brilliant, very enjoyable. Kind of in the style of Underworld, if you've seen it. Your use "darkest" twice in a row which was a bit awkward but apart from that and what eleinasari said I would enjoy reading more of this kind of story.
That was awesome! I love the darkly sarcastic tone of all your characters. The vampire werewolf mix is unique.
Clawed gives me this picture of long, painted nails.
Cool verbs.
I think you spend too much time on your characters' physical descriptions, though. There are parts of what they look like that in a story this short really doesn't matter.
Your dialogue was great, it would be cool if you added some more.
Even though this makes a great short story as it is, I'd love to see more chapters.
Keep writing!
-Jenna
Quote:
My mother only snarled in response to my protests as she clawed at my curly russet hair with her nails.
You have ‘only’ again.
Quote:
“You should be thankful for your heritage Helena.”
Comma before ‘Helena’
Quote:
A slight grin had spread across his handsome face revealing the pair of sharp fangs that hid behind his full lips.
Not sure here, but a comma after ‘face’? Also, I don’t like the repetane of ‘his’ up there. The second one is not needed.
Quote:
I glared at her through the mirror and she merely bared her own fangs at me,‘But’ instead of ‘and’?
Quote:
As beautiful as my mother was she had one hell of a temper, then again most of my werewolf relatives did.
Comma after ‘was’. I would make the part after the last comma a separate sentence with ‘-’.
Quote:
Which would work for my sister’s hair, my hair not so much.
Unclear sentence alert.
Quote:
She spun me around quickly and gave me a long once over with a scrutinizing gaze.
A long what? Next sentence: comma before ‘really’.
Quote:
“You look beautiful pup.”
Comma before ‘pup’.
Quote:
“The ceremony is about to being, don’t be late.”Was this on purpose? It is a little unclear, though. Next sentence: contemplate ‘at’ or ‘on‘?. -Not sure.
Quote:
Sure my genes clashed with my lust for blood and lust for human flesh but at least the worst of that only occurred during a full moon.
Add commas here. Next sentence: comma before ‘but’.
Quote:
She gets the short end of the stick, her version of our whacked out genes canceled out leaving her completely mortal and with a much-shortened lifespan compared to the rest of our estranged family.
Add ‘by’? Paragraph below, comma before ‘but’.
Quote:
Her voice was hard edged; jealous with the attention I would be receiving that would leave her in the shadows.
Comma instead of semicolon here.
Quote:
Not particularly Valerie.
Comma there.
Quote:
She sashayed from side to side to show off her tight fitting low-cut dress of neon lime green leopard print with matching four-inch pumps.
Comma before ;low-cut'. Next sentence: ‘she had’ two times.
Okay, this was a really interesting story, it caught my attention, I hope you will be posting more of this (please). It has an interesting plot, never read anything like it. There was no info dump, which is a point on your account.
-elein