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16+ Violence Mature Content

The Assasin:Chapter.1 Nursey Rymes.

by luna889


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

    “Target sited, ”I informed into a small handheld radio.”I hear ya, take care of me and I’ll wire the money to your account little lady, ”A gruff voice responded back

”Copy that, ”I replied looking into the scope of a rifle. 

   Aiming the gun carefully at the back of an older males head. A nursery rhyme began to chime through my mind with my finger on the trigger.

  I hummed some the first few words than sung the last few allowed, ”Pop goes the weasel”.A loud bang  rang throughout the air as the man fell down on his knees, blood splattering everywhere. A woman beside him caught most of it on her shirt, and she let out a horrified shriek as a result. Stuffing the gun casually in a duffel bag that was laying by my leg, I snuck away from the scene of the murder. I took a right after walking several minutes on a sidewalk and then found myself in an alleyway.

   Pulling a tarp off of a medium sized object I pulled something out of my pocket, Keys. I smiled as I eyed a rather tricked out motorcycle, my motorcycle. Hopping onto the piece of machinery I started it up, drove out of the alleyway and down the road.

  My lineage ran back to a long line of Assasins, even my parents had taken part in the business growing up. There was no room for error in my upbringing or my training, excellence was expecting from me, after all, I was the next generation. They were long gone now, not that I cared anyway, It was hard to feel sad when they were never around you in the first place. Many times when I was younger I would be left alone with my instructor or my nanny, Amelia Riverdale. She was a fierce and unfeeling woman and quite a force to be dealt with.

  She had raised me, not my parents so of course when she had passed I was somewhat upset. She had been the only one I could show my emotions around and be myself. Since then I've just been on my own enveloping myself in my line of work. None of my employers know what my outside Identity is. I'm an orphan living by myself in an apartment complex just scraping by working as a cashier is what the outside thinks but as you can tell that is far from the truth.

  I do work as a cashier part-time and I do live in an apartment. I try to avoid getting close to anyone as to not let feeling get in the way of my life. I have been through schooling, homeschool and I'm currently twenty-two.

   Hearing a loud ping I pulled off onto a sidewalk pulling out my phone, the money had indeed been put into my account."Good", I told myself putting it back in my pocket.

   Reaching my hand back on the keys I when't to start the bike back up but I stopped momentarily, something moving in a box in an alley had caught my eye. Walking toward it cautiously, I now had my rifle out of the duffel bag prepared to shoot it if it attacked me. Peeking my head over the side of the box, a loud thump occurred,I had dropped my gun on the ground. 

  My eyes were round with shock, an emotion I hadn't shown in so long, "What in gods name is that?!?!


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11 Reviews


Points: 542
Reviews: 11

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Fri Mar 22, 2019 8:24 pm
Sivershade797 wrote a review...



Hi Luna!

I just want to start by saying that this is a really great piece, and I think that it could go really really far! 🤩The first suggestion that I have is to go back and maybe check the grammar + spelling - there were a few mistakes like:

A loud bang rung throughout the air as the man fell down on his knees(,) blood splattering everywhere. A woman beside him caught most of it on her shirt, (and) she let out a horrified shriek as a result.

or "sean" instead of "scene" and "when't" instead of "went". It's not a big problem, but it might help to make your readers understand your story a bit better. You also might want to add a little bit about how she is trained / who trained her to be an assassin. I also think that if you're going to call the chapter "Nursery rhymes", you might want to elaborate a bit more about the "Pop goes the weasel", making it clear why you chose that name for your piece.

But overall, I think this is a great piece and you should DEFINITELY keep writing!!! 😆😊😋

~Sivershade797




luna889 says...


Thanks for the review!



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82 Reviews


Points: 847
Reviews: 82

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Fri Mar 22, 2019 6:19 pm
TheMulticoloredCyr wrote a review...



Hello, how are you doing? Not that you can answer, but whatever, I'm going to review this piece using my usual format (which I can hardly call my usual format because I keep dropping it, but again, whatever), meaning I'll go through paragraph by paragraph and give my general thoughts at the end.

"“Target sited, ”I informed into a small handheld radio.”I hear ya, take care of me and I’ll wire the money to your account little lady, ”A gruff voice responded back.”Copy that, ”I replied looking into the scope of a rifle. Aiming the gun carefully at the back of an older males head. A nursery rhyme began to chime through my mind with my finger on the trigger."

You used the wrong version of the word "sighted" (I just used the correct one." Also, never, ever, nevernevernever, have two characters speaking in the same paragraph. Every time a new character speaks, you start a new one. For example, "Hi Mom!" exclaimed Eliot from the playground. "Hi Ellie!" his mom laughed back. Bad, that's bad, don't do that.

Do this, "Hi mom!" exclaimed Eliot from the playground.

"Hi Ellie!" his mom laughed back.

See the difference? See how you can clearly tell when a new person is speaking, and adjust your inner voice to match? See that? Do that.

Moving on to something that doesn't make me want to tug my hair out, "I hummed some the first few words than sung the last few allowed, ”Pop goes the weasel”.A loud bang rung throughout the air as the man fell down on his knees blood splattering everywhere. A woman beside him caught most of it on her shirt, she let out a horrified shriek as a result. Stuffing the gun casually in a duffel bag that was laying by my leg, I snuck away from the sean of the murder. I took a right after walking several minutes on a sidewalk and then found myself in an alleyway."

"Rang" not "rung" and "scene" not "sean" (sean is another spelling of the name Shawn, I don't get it either, but there ya go). In addition, this is the one and only time that a nursery rhyme is even mentioned, making the title a little out of place. And she's not sneaking away from the crime scene, she's sneaking away from her sniper's nest, the crime scene is where the unnamed guy kicked the bucket, so to speak.

"Pulling a tarp off of a medium sized object I pulled something out of my pocket, Keys. I smiled as I eyed a rather tricked out motorcycle, my motorcycle. Hopping onto the piece of machinery I started it up, drove out of the alleyway and down the road."

"Medium-sized" could mean anything from a "medium-sized" house to a "medium-sized" sewing needle (yes, there are different sizes). Try to be more specific here and maybe just say that she pulled the tarp off of her motorcycle. There is no reason for that to be a mystery, she knows it, why keep the readers in the dark?

"My lineage ran back to a long line of Assasins, even my parents had taken part in the business growing up. There was no room for error in my upbringing or my training, excellence was expecting from me, after all, I was the next generation. They were long gone now, not that I cared anyway, It was hard to feel sad when they were never around you in the first place. Many times when I was younger I would be left alone with my instructor or my nanny, Amelia Riverdale. She was a fierce and unfeeling woman and quite a force to be dealt with."

From here, all the way until the very last scene is exposition. Either you find a way to organically fit this into the narrative (let the readers infer things from conversations, descriptions of things like her apartment, her clothes, and so on) or you just learn to live without it. This isn't even that long and I almost fell asleep (I have been up since five, but that's not the point).

"Reaching my hand back on the keys I when't to start the bike back up but I stopped momentarily, something moving in a box in an alley had caught my eye. Walking toward it cautiously, I now had my rifle out of the duffel bag prepared to shoot it if it attacked me. Peeking my head over the side of the box, a loud thump occurred,I had dropped my gun on the ground. My eyes were round with shock, an emotion I hadn't shown in so long, "What in gods name is that?!?!"

You're missing your end quote, and went is just went, not when't. I don't know what when't is, but it's probably some kind of alien.

Also, cliffhangers, no. At least, not like this. This is probably the most ineffective way of keeping your readers in suspense, maybe try telling us what she sees, that way we're anticipating the confrontation between your MC and whatever she's seeing rather than just being like "oh, she sees something" and then clicking away.

All of that said, it was still a pretty good piece, keep writing. I have to go, so that's all I have for now, bye.




manilla says...


Hello! Would you find this code helpful?

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put excerpts from the story here!
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manilla says...


edit - pfft - Hello! Would you find this code helpful?

Code: Select all
[quote]put excerpts from the story here![/quote]





Yeah, I've been trying to figure that out, thanks.



luna889 says...


Um, I really feel like this review is angsty and slightly rude if you didn't mean it in this way then please let me know. I am new to this site and publishing my writing I appreciate critism but only the constructive kind. When you said the stuff about my writing making you want to pyull your hair out it was not very encouraging. I came to this site like you for help with my writing and of course to publish it. I will give you the same level of respect you give me. I would like it if you tolerated the imperfections in my work a little more kindly. Thank you for your input, but it could have been a little more nicely put. Have a nice day.



luna889 says...


I am sorry for any spelling errors I have a migrane.





I'm sorry for coming off as rude, I didn't mean it that way. Excuses won't help, so please accept an apology.



luna889 says...


I accept your apology though I feel inclined to tell you you may need to look into rephrasing things. I am glad you did not mean it to come off as rude and I realize you may have been having a bad day or some other form of negative complication, I hope you are more clear in your future reviews. I do not wish to be an issue. Have a nice day and keep reviewing. :)





I will. I've been trying to rephrase things lately, but it's hard to break a habit. I'm working on it though, thanks for understanding and accepting my apology.



luna889 says...


Your welcome.




If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.
— Woodrow Wilson