Published November 22, 2014
“Guardian!” Anna panted as she stumbled through the tall grass, “where did you go?” Stone-faced and solemn, the angel waited behind a bank of purple flowers, its scaly tail sweeping slowly from side to side, its wings as still as marble. Anna took a deep breath to calm the trembling of her skinny, spiderlike hands and dropped to the ground, her ears pricked for the slightest noise. The dry rustling of scales turned her head, and she dropped to the ground, crawling slowly toward the place where she’d heard the sound. A reptilian tail, white and ragged, swept back and forth across the dusty ground. Anna didn’t smile, but a thrill of satisfaction tickled from her bones to the shell of her as she reached out one pale hand, extended her fingers, and pulled.
A snake’s eyes flashed in the grass, the glimmer of fangs cut through the twilight, and Anna, realizing her mistake, stumbled back, holding her hands up in a reflexive gesture of defense. The snake turned to face her, its cold reptilian eyes snapping to focus on her neck. The scales rustled as it darted for Anna, too fast for any human to intercept, fangs bared and dripping with venom-
Anna grabbed it by the throat, her bony fingers crushing the life out of it before it had a chance to touch her. Starting with the skin and continuing down to its delicate skeleton, the snake crumbled into black powder that slipped through her fingers and left charcoal-like dust in the cracks of her hands. Forgetting the game for a moment, she clapped her hands together to remove the last of the dust.
The noise carried over the empty meadow. Her Guardian, no longer still behind the bank of flowers, rushed across the surface of the grass as quickly as a northward breeze. Anna was still kneeling on the ground, staring at the small, tidy pile of ash that had been the white snake. So absorbed that she didn’t hear her Guardian’s feathers rustling behind her. Bony hands seized her around her waist and tossed her into the air, then caught her effortlessly mid-fall. Anna giggled, a sharp and broken sound that sent the nearby birds flying into the darkening sky.
Anna looked up and smiled at her Guardian, and reached a hand up to touch the familiar bony contours of its face, the musty feathers of its wings and the scales on its skin. The Guardian smiled back at its charge. She was odd-looking, even for a human, with soft, almost translucent skin and wide, dark eyes. Her hair was tangled like a thornbush, and the movements that were so natural to angels looked alien on her. But she wasn’t bad.
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139,787 Literary Works • 672,768 Reviews
this is reallllllllyyyy creepy, and gave me chills while I was reading it. I like the description throughout the story, and like how the angel describes the small child and the child describes the angel. Both seeming weird to the other. it just seems to make sense. Thank you for publishing it so that we could read it and enjoy your creativity!
Thank you! I was aiming to play around with how they would perceive each other, so I'm glad that I was able to get that across to you!
I really enjoyed this. Anna and her guardian seem like interesting characters who I wouldn't mind reading a novel about. The ending felt a bit sudden though but that's just me. I enjoy your work and will continue to read your stories in the future.
I'd very much like to see more from this! It was unique how you didn't go for the cliche image of an angel, who is always seen as pure and gorgeous. Instead, you made her statuesque and reptilian--both beautiful and frightening. You left the reader with questions. "Why was her Guardian there in the first place?" "Why did that snake who attacked her turn to ash?".
Overall, this piece was excellent.
It's really all part of the supernatural genre that you've placed into this short story. Curiosity is the key to making the reader be interested--and I surely am. However, I'd be careful not to be too vague. Maybe you were going for symbolism when the snake turned to ash. I was debating over whether or not I would have kept that, but it's your decision only.
No errors, no run-on sentences... Well done on the imagery!
Thank you! I can definitely assure you that the topics about which you have questions were deliberately open-ended, and will be explored more as I expand on these characters.
Thank you very much for your comments critique!
Great story, I very much enjoyed how your characters are described in such a unique way. I especially like how the angel is not represented as the classically beautiful and pure figure but takes on a more statue and gargoyle feel (mostly because of the Stone-faced and solemn description as well as the tail).
There was so much going on and yet it was so short so when I ended I was already ready for more. I think you could go farther with this since it is very interesting and filled to the brim with potential
Like your previous review I too have many questions which is why it can be continued in the future.
There are no corrections that popped out at me so you must of done one fantastic review job.
keep up the good work and stay awesome!
-Carmenbluestar
Thank you very much for your kind comments! I'm glad I was able to convey that sort of feeling with the angel - I've always felt that the traditional "blonde, blue-eyed people with dove wings" portrayal of angels was stale, so I'm glad I've been able to bring something new to the picture.
I will most definitely be continuing this in the future, and I already have a storyline planned out, which will most likely take place over a series of installments like this one, though the length will vary.
Again, thank you very much!
This was a very interesting piece. It makes me want to learn more about the characters involved. This piece itself is very well written, no spelling or grammatical errors I could find. No typos either. It definitely intrigues the reader, the only issue being they get no conclusion to their curiosity, as the end of the piece is rather open ended. Perhaps you will write more? Hopefully
Excellent work.
Thank you! This is intended as a sort of medias res introduction to the characters, and I'm most definitely planning to write more! Again, thank you.
Crys, laughs and smiles at the same time. I really enjoyed this. It was short and simple and I liked it a lot. The main character, I assume, is a young girl named Anna. She's got a brilliant personality, killing snakes with just one 'pop'
"Anna grabbed it by the throat, her bony fingers crushing the life out of it before it had a chance to touch her. Starting with the skin and continuing down to its delicate skeleton, the snake crumbled into black powder that slipped through her fingers and left charcoal-like dust in the cracks of her hands."
But the fact that after she chokes the snake and it dies, it doesn't just lie there, it obliterates into dust. I really liked that part. It gave me chills, reminded me of some horror type movie that is under the category of drama.
But I'm left with one question, who is this Guardian person? I understand that he/she is Anna's Guardian, but when you described them, they didn't sound like an angel. I mean, maybe you've created some different type of angel, which is really cool, I'm just slightly confused. An angel with a tail? That's what confuses me the most. But hey, whatever floats your boat.
The Guardian is intended to be enigmatic at this point in the story, but the general conceit behind them is that they belong to a species with some of the abilities and appearances of angels without being angels in the true sense of the word.
I'm also glad that you liked the scene with the snake; it was quite fun to write, and I'm glad that I got the mood I was trying to convey across to you! Thank you very much for the helpful feedback.