Cliffhanger...
I stood on the roof, studying the cities remains. Nuclear war had finished years ago but the consequences were still obvious. Deformed animals and humans roamed the street, viciously attacking anything they came across, we called these creatures’ critters. Many of my friends had died after being overwhelmed by these deformed creatures.
I picked up my M16 assault rifle and signalled to my partner, Joel. We slowly made our way to a ladder, and climbed down into the street below. I put my M16 on my back and pulled out my silenced pistol. Loud noises drew more of the creatures so we tried to keep it as silent as possible. I blew the head of a lone critter, watching its brains splat on the wall.
I heard a noise behind me, and slowly turned around. I saw Joel slowly turning as well. What met my eyes made my blood run cold. A massive horde of critters had wandered onto the road behind us. They hadn’t noticed us, so I slowly whispered to Joel “Go loud and run to the Church”. The church would provide safe haven for us. There were heavy machine guns, 50. And 30. Calibre, that would mow down any critters.
We grabbed our M16s, took aim, and fired. Body parts, blood and brains flew as our bullets ripped into the critters. We started to sprint towards the church, which was 500 metres away from our current position. I stopped running and fired into the swarm of critters. I saw several gaining on Joel and cut them down easily. We got within 50 metres of the church when we heard someone yell “GET DOWN!!!” and as soon as we got behind cover, the heavy machine guns cut through the crowd of critters, decimating their ranks.
Joel and I started to kill any critters that got to close to us and threw some grenades into the crowd, dismembering several critters. We ran out of our cover and towards the church. A dozen men ran out of the church and provided cover fire, picking off any critters that got to close. We sprinted into the church, and slammed the heavy wooden doors behind us. Dozens of critters smashed into the doors but they were to thick for them to have any effect.
I stood up, laughing and felt a sharp blow land on my face. I hit the ground hard, getting up fast and pulling my knife. I stood in a ready stance, waiting in anger to stab anyone who dared attack me. I saw a Russian standing in front of me, and for the second time today, my blood ran as cold as ice. I realised that the church had been attacked and taken over by the infamous Russian, Yuri, who was famous for killing any and all prisoners.
I prepared to lunge and stab him, dying in the process, but Yuri laughed and said, “you guys have a huge amount of balls”. I was confused as he offered me a bottle of Vodka. I said “what the hell do you want and why are you in the church?” Yuri’s face turned stone hard and he said “it was overrun by Critters and your people begged me to help them take it back”.
I realised straight away that this was a lie. There was blood sprayed up the walls and our people had been warring with the Russian since he had appeared. Suddenly he pulled a gun and ordered his me “Take their guns and put them with the rest of the prisoners”. I felt the blood drain from my face as I realised what was about to happen. I was going to be tortured and killed.
I looked at Joel as he pulled a Gun and aimed at Yuri, Yuri’s men took aim and shot Joel in the stomach. He dropped to the ground, in pain, and Yuri walked up to him and said “a mistake, my friend” and shot him in the head. I screamed and hit my captor. I attacked Yuri but his men dragged me off and knocked me unconscious.
I woke up in cuffs, in a cage with five other men. They looked at me and I saw several of my comrades including my commander. They helped me to my feet and I stood in shock, Joel was dead, I was captured and I was going to die.
I heard a massive explosion and I turned towards the Church doors. I saw them fall and Critters swarm into the church. Not one of Yuri’s men was in sight and I came to the realisation that this was how they were getting rid of the prisoners.
We all stood there in shock, staring at the hordes of Critters in the church when we heard a rattle behind us. We turned around and I saw my mates Tom and David and a squad of men, cutting the chains that held us in the cage. They opened the door and cut our cuffs, before handing us silenced guns.
We ran out a side door and towards several armoured Humvees. We ploughed through masses of Critters towards safety. We pulled through the gates into the main compound for our forces. We pulled up to the building, which housed our governing officials. I was hurried through to chamber and I saw a dozen faces, the people who controlled who lived and died, just sitting there. I sat in a hard chair and was questioned.
They made me describe all the events that happened. I felt sick as I described what happened to Joel. They all stood up and one of them pronounced “Luca, you have done us a great service and we are promoting you. You will now be in charge of your own platoon and your primary objectives will be to secure housing, food, water and other necessary supplies. Also, we are tasking you with harassing Yuri’s forces, killing as many as possible.”
I exited the room, and saw a dozen men waiting. I saw my friends, Tom, David, Hamish and a dozen others and saw Determination on all their faces. I saw faces that were ready to kill and wreak Havoc upon Yuri and his forces.
We were going to war
Hey there lucafitz. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado.
One quick note. I am doing this review in between classes so I only have about 20 minutes. If you find this review was not in depth enough, just message me, and I'll eventually get around to revising it.
One more note. I had started this review a week ago but I never finished it. I was going through my review drafts and decided to leave you a review anyways. I feel every work deserves a good review. But you already have a couple of okay reviews, so I won't be here long.
Paragraph 1:
I stood on the roof, studying the cities remains. Nuclear war had finished years ago but the consequences were still obvious. Deformed animals and humans roamed the street, viciously attacking anything they came across, we called these creatures’ critters. Many of my friends had died after being overwhelmed by these deformed creatures.
Deformed animals and humans roamed the street, viciously attacking anything they came across. We called these creatures', critters.
Many of my friends had died after being overwhelmed by these deformed creatures.
I exited the room, and saw a dozen men waiting. I saw my friends, Tom, David, Hamish and a dozen others and saw Determination on all their faces. I saw faces that were ready to kill and wreak Havoc upon Yuri and his forces.
Hi,
I really loved this story, you definitely used your imagination. The story line was very interesting and is a great version of the apocalypse. Also, I loved the cliffhanger ending. You also used fantastically poetic words to describe. I also really liked it because it was different, it is a very bold story.This story is also very well written apart from a few grammar mistakes
Anyway, as a little bit of improvement, you could maybe check a few of you grammatical errors.
Also, don't forget to check your stories at the end to make sure it is all in the same tense/time frame. Also you maybe could've described more of the scenery. To me, a key part of an apocalyptic story is knowing what the scenery is like.
Lastly, I think you are a great writer with a lot of potential and would love to seem better written stories like this. -Jade xoxo
Hi, I'm just going to jump right in. Your story is very well written, but there are a few grammatical mistakes that I noticed. "Loud noises drew more of the creatures so we tried to keep it as silent as possible." I understand that you are trying to keep the verb tense the same, but the wording implies that in the present when he is telling the story these creatures no longer exist. If that was your intention then that's fine, but if not you would want to say "loud noises draw more of the creatures." In the sentence "50. And 30. Calibre" And and Caliber should not be capitalized. "Body parts, blood and brains" you need a comma after blood. Last paragraph determination shouldn't be capitalized.
That should be all grammar wise, so now let's get to the story itself. It was intriguing and fast paced which is good for a short story. While not necessary it would have been nice to know what the area looked like. Was it a nuclear waste, a desert, snow, or was there perhaps an acid rain? Now from a plot perspective. If the Russian was just going to kill them anyway, why did he let them into the church in the first place? Wouldn't it have been easier just to let them die outside? As to Joel's death. It obviously had a lot of meaning to the main character, but the reader doesn't get any of that. A few sentences or a paragraph at the beginning telling about their history together would give much more meaning to his death. Finally the Russian is bad, but what is the nationality of the soldiers. I get the feeling that they're British, but that's not said, and maybe it's not supposed to be.
All in all it is a fantastic story, and I would love to see a follow up to it in the future.
Hi! It's Sheyren here for a review. First, I see that your new. Welcome to the site, and I hope you enjoy it here! Second, I'd like to tell you that I truly enjoyed this story. I'm usually not a fan of the post apocalyptic genre, but this was different. I do love war themes stories, and this kept me interested. So I'm here to correct some things and give ideas if you intend to write more of this (which I hope you do).
First is the start- I saw a few errors there. Nothing too big. To quickly correct some stuff- "...studying the cities remains..." Cities should be city's. "Nuclear war had finished years ago but..." There should be a comma between ago and but. "...came across, we..." that comma should be a period. There were a few other grammatical errors, but overall they didn't take away from the reading.
Now for some comments and ideas. First I want to comment on the Russians being the bad guys. Now, for this story it works, but normally you want to stay away from generalizing people of certain heritage. For instance, if a Russian read this, they might be insulted and stop reading. So, I would suggest in later chapters to include info hunting that the Russians aren't the bad guys, but rather the Russian government is. That way you avoid insulting anyone. Then there was the comment about Tom and David. It was unclear here- were Tom and David trapped too? If so, how did they escape and have guns? If they weren't trapped, then I suggest making that a bit more clear.
Other than that, great post, and keep writing! I hope you intend to make more chapters, because I'm desperate for more!
Oh, and welcome to the site.
-Sheyren
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