speechless

ur heart stands erect... riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight giggity. hahahahahaha. Good job on this i enjoyed it

Hey there,
Bravo! A very cute poem.
xxx Upile xxx

Hey I agree with Jojo. If you edited the way she suggested I think you would have a way better poem. You're poem is great, it just needs a little fixing up. Good job though.

I liked this poem. Just you need to use more puncuation.

lowerkacelettering wrote:With a million things to say,
my mind growing weak
I think about you all the time,
all these words to speak.
With all these longing questions,
your full of gleam.
Missing my emotions,
I'm not what i seem
with a million things to say,
one word drifts from my lips..
Hey.
With a million things to say,
now the world is correct
I had been longing for this day
my heart stands erect

thank you for the constructive critisizm, much appreciated. jojo, i really like what you did with my poem.

lowerkacelettering wrote:with a million things to say, Use capital letters if your going to use punctuations
my mind growing weak
i think about you all the time,
all these words to speak.
with all these longing questions, Try to not use all a lot
your full of gleam. I don't really understand this
missing my emotions,
im not what i seem
with a million things to say,
one word drifts from my lips.. Maybe say but only one word drifts from my lips
hey.
with a million things to say, I don't really understand why you repeated this line.
now the world is correct
i had been longing for this day
my heart stands erect

Hello-Welcome to YWS- I'm Jojo!
And i shall be your reviewer this fine eveninginginging.
Grammar is in red .
Others are in blue.

With a million things to say,
my mind grows weak- trying to keep a constant tense here- it can get confusing.
I think about you all the time,
all these words to speak. - How about " With all these words I speak." or "With all these words you speak."? it would be a lot clearer if you specified here.

>space< New stanza

******With all these longing questions,
you're? full of gleam.- Maybe it's just me, but i don't really get what you are trying to say here. Could you clarify please?
missing my emotions,
I'm not what? I seem- Saying "who" sounds a little better. Try not to refer to yourself as a "what". Unless it's a characteristic that's previously specified.
with a million things to say,
(only?)one word drifts from my lips..
"Hey..."- This could very well be a quote( for dramatic affect).

>space< New stanza

With a million things to say,
now the world is correct(?)- correct really is a tricky word to use here. Maybe " Now the word seems just fine" or " Now the world seems..."pretty much anything BUT that word. You don't need to sacrifice content just to make it rhyme. this is a beautiful as it is. lol.
I've been longing for this day
(and?now?)my heart stands erect.

*******This whole stanza ( to me) would be better suited at the *end* of the poem*********

With a million things to say,
my mind grows weak
I think about you all the time,
With all these words I speak.

With a million things to say,
now the world is correct(?)
I've been longing for this day
Now my heart stands erect.

With all these longing questions,
you're full of gleam.
Missing my emotions,
I'm not who I seem
with a million things to say,
only one word drifts from my lips.
"Hey..."