The Vendetta
by lovethelifeulive
Chapter One
He watched the ceiling, his eyes wandering to the edges of the room where the ceiling meets the wall. Then he gazed down the grey wall slowly until his eyes met the window. As he stared into the darkness, he found a face.
“Erik!” he cried. He stood from his bed and crossed the room, he opened the square window and another young man crawled in.
“Jesse,” he said. “The Novitski’s are here. I notified your Dad. He’s talking with your sister right now.” Jesse ran out and crossed the hall with Erik following him, and opened the door of her room.
“Hello, Mr. Brooks.” Erik greeted Jesse’s father.
He turned around, revealing a blank faced girl.
“Hello, I’m Erik.” He felt to strange introducing himself to her. He knew her. He knew her and watched for years. She even saw him before. But she didn’t recognize him.
She looked at him for a moment, too shocked and confused at the information her father told her. She felt a hint of recognition, but it was too small.
“Annie.” She replied reaching her hand out. He shook it with both hands.
“Okay,” she breathed in before continuing. “So the Novitski’s are coming. They are the same people that killed my mother. They are to same family of assassins. Correct?” She was getting upset. Her eyebrows were furrowed and she was yelling.
“Yes.” We nodded.
“Now listen, Annie,” Mr. Brooks said. “Erik is going to take care of you. You have to listen to him and trust him.” He wrapped his arms around her. When he let go he quickly took her face in his hands and kissed her forehead.
“Annie…” Jesse stepped forward to hold her too. When he pulled away she pulled him back in. He laid his head between her neck and shoulder, and stroked her brown hair.
When she finally let go, she stared at him a few seconds longer, with their arms intertwined, her big brown eyes afraid. He let go when footsteps echoed from the front door and they walked out, before the door closed, Mr. Brooks turned around. First he glanced at Annie, with worry, with regret. Then he looked at Erik and said,
“Lock the door.”
He turned back to her. She stood in front of him, shaking and about to collapse. It started like it normally does for her. Her knees start to wobble and then the tic travels all the way up until her hands shake, then her whole arm and then her shoulder.
She was a nervous shaker. Not something medical, or serious. It’s just something everyone experiences. Like speaking in public or walking up to the stage on the talent show in your magician costume. Except the bunny won’t come out of the hat and you don’t know where it is. Erik came closer to her.
“Shake it off, Annie.” He told her. She closed her eyes and did what he said. He had been there so many times when her brother and father weren’t there to see her shake, and to tell her to shake it off. So many times he was there, but couldn’t comfort her.
“Annie, I want you to pack everything up. Okay?”
“Okay.” She nodded, the tic slowing down. Erik pulled out two suitcases from her closet, he knew where everything was, after years of watching over her.
Outside, was yelling and shattering sounds. Annie winced as well as Erik, but he told her not to pay attention, and to only think about what to pack. What he thought, but didn’t say, was that it was so important to pack just what you need and cover up what you took. If when the cops come, they have to make sure it looks like Annie died too.
He left her toothbrush and toothpaste, and took extra ones from her cupboard that were unused and packaged. He told her to take only half or so of her clothing, so that it doesn’t look like she packed it and left.
While she closed her laptop and packed it up, Erik realized that Annie was forgetting something. He opened her bedside table and reached into it, getting a photo album and a wooden box, containing precious nick-nacks. He quickly and quietly packed it.
“Okay, so we’ll be leaving through the window.” Erik said, zipping up her suitcase.
“Wait, what?” Annie stopped. “What do you mean? We can’t leave Dad and Jesse here.”
“Annie, you have to trust me, this is the best way…” he stepped on her bed and opened the window. She followed him dragging the suitcases with her. When Erik was getting ready to lift her up, a knock came from her door.
They stopped immediately. Annie glanced at him, wondering if he was going to squeeze them out.
“Wait, Annie.” He said, stepping off the bed.
“Whuh, what are you doing?” she hissed.
He ignored her. He opened the door and stepped out of the room. She jumped out of the bed too and followed him. She looked to the left and right of her door, and so no one. She took a left, toward the kitchen and living room, and away from the bedrooms.
Suddenly, she heard a gunshot. She ran toward the living room, where she found Erik and another man, much older than them, fist fighting.
“Where’s the girl, Erik?” he said. She couldn’t understand their argument, that changed to Italian and Russian, which she did understand, mixed with another, she never heard before. But throughout the yelling she heard Erik say, Victor. That was the man’s name.
Coming from behind her in the kitchen, two men, one skinny, one fat, ran toward her, yelling in Russian at Victor and at her. The men ran at her, the fat one tripped on the others feet and slid on the floor, his gun skidding down toward Erik and Victor. The skinny man ran at Annie, and before she could fight back, he pushed her to the ground, his knife at her throat.
Erik and Victor, both unarmed, watched the gun come toward them and lunged at it. Annie fighting underneath the man. Victor grabbed it first. Erik took Victors neck in his grasp and punched him, causing him to drop his gun on the floor. Erik took it and aimed at the man above her. She cried out to him, afraid that his aim wasn’t too good.
The skinny man stood up, about to lung his knife at her, when Erik shot him. He collapsed on Annie, his knife wedged into her leg. While she cried in pain and Erik pulled the dead man off her. Victor and his fat accomplice slipped out the door and ran.
When the man was crumpled up on the wall, Erik looked at Annie, with a knife in her thigh. He reached for the knife and she stopped him.
“Wait.” She breathed, she wrapped her fingers slowly around the handle of the knife and sucked in the air, before violently pulling it out. Erik nodded and told her that he needed to get them out, and that he would be right back.
She watched him leave in confusion. She wondered why he would leave her when Victor and his accomplice could come back for her. Still lying on the floor, she looked around. She saw two large bodies. Not able to stand, she crawled into the living room, where she found her brother and father on the floor, with blood on their clothes.
She breathed slowly as she put her hand on Jesse’s chest. His eyes were still open and his lips were moving.
“Jesse.” She whispered. She saw it now. He was trying so hard to speak to her. “What Jesse?” she shook him. The door opened and she was pulled up by the waist. “Jesse!” she yelled.
“Shh. Annie.” Erik murmured.
“Stop, Erik! He’s trying to speak!” He ignored her and carried her into a sculpted blackish blue car, its color almost resembled a bruise. Before he put her in there, he looked into her face. She wasn’t looking back at him, but yelling and staring at her house. Her gorgeous full lips were pouted, and her eye brows were furrowed. He put his hand on her forehead, pushing the hair away from her eyes, her brown, brown eyes.
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What I thought of this as a whole: It could be improved. It's a bit confusing in some places. Also, it seems like her father is waaaay over-board protective. Maybe that's what you meant him to be like, rather than just a bit protective. I don't really know. Other than that, it was pretty good.
Hey Love! Here as requested!
Okay, so my main critique of this piece would be your pacing and writing style. It's very fast (not always a bad thing!) and you do a lot of telling instead of showing. You give us the information instead of letting us figure it out for ourselves, or discover it gradually through dialogue and actions.
When you introduce characters, you've got to do it slowly; think about it as meeting a new person. You wouldn't walk up to someone and say, "Hi, here's my name, my age, my entire life history, and the struggles and challenges I am facing right now." Kind of a major turn-off, right? You'd be running the other way because that person is coming on too strong. You feel overwhelmed and force-fed this information. And, as exemplified too often at schools, when you try to shove something down someone's throat, they're not as likely to remember it as they would if they were "snuck" the information in a sugar-coated way. Same goes for the characters in stories; after all, we're technically meeting new people, just inside the covers of a book! (Wow, I totally feel like a nerd now for saying that.)
Okay, now another little thing I'd like to discuss is your pacing. It feels like you're jumping from scene to scene in a movie, and it's hard to keep up with the action. You as the writer have to give the reader a breathing space between action scenes. Too much, and the reader's eyes begin to glaze over from the unending hold-your-breath scenes. To give them this buffer between scenes, use description and dialogue. It's a great way to distract the reader and give them something lighter to focus on before slamming them with another tense section.
You asked about continuing with this story -- I'd say go for it if you really want to! Honestly, there aren't many good reasons why someone shouldn't write whatever they want. So keep it up if that's what you would like to do!
Please let me know if you've got any questions or whatnot. Cheers! (:
God yeah! Keep it up! It sounds epic! Please keep writing it. I want to know so much more. Please keep writing it.
Please keep writing- good luck
JJxVoodo
'Ello my good chap, happy May Day!
Now, as for the review...
This was powerful... but part of me thinks it could be even more powerful (the part about her father and brother being dead especially) you know?
I got confused in the middle of the first part, because you start out writing it in first person Annie's point of view, but when she leaves the room you just start writing omnisciently... although, maybe that isn't a bad thing exactly, I was just under the impression that you're not supposed to change tenses like that...
Also, when she gest stabbed in the thigh, you might want to put something about her being in pain, or limping, because it sounds pretty painful...
It should be "well"
Um... there may have been other nitpicks, can't 'member now...
I thought this was interesting, and powerful... I'm not sure if it's really a prologue though, it seems more like a first chapter to me, but whatever, same dif really XD
--
Tabby
Hello lovethelifeulive. This is great! I really enjoyed it. Just a couple of errors (they're probably just typos, but I thought I should point them out).
It should be "neon" instead of "nean".I think you meant "when" not "went".
Apart from that, it's really good. I think you should continue with this story. Keep writing!
Hey, lovethelife! Thanks for sharing this piece with us.
I really like this and I hope you continue, but here's quite a few things I picked up:
Usually I don't do romance, but once in a while, a girl has to cave in. Who doesn't like beautiful angel-like guys saving you from killers?
This is actually really fast paced. A little too fast. I felt like my brain couldn't soak up the little information you were giving. Add more descriptions, more details on her life, thoughts running through her mind, her feelings when her dad let's her go to the party.
The fast-pace thing made it kinda hard to understand. One second she's asking her father to go to a party, then she's leaving, then she's getting home, then she's getting mobbed or whatever...this is kind of how it went. I think you need to add more structure to her life and stuff.
Explain a little more to your reader. Like how Marcus and Victor suddenly popped in and she acted like she knew them like a family member or something.
Also, I think you need to add a little more on the party. I mean, it's what started out your book, I think there should be at least some info on what happened. Maybe add her brief thoughts on the party as she's walking up to the house or whatever. You don't have to add her whole story on what happened at the party, but how it was overall.
Again...please continue! It's interesting and I'm hooked:)
--Lollipopper
Hello, my love! (haha, get it? Your name's Love, and I'm calling you love...) I am here to review your wonderful piece. I hope by "rewriting/retelling," you're not plagiarizing a published novel. This wouldn't be a good thing. But if it's an idea you just heard about or a story someone told you, then we're good.
Anyway, I'm here to review your story. So far I've read the first paragraph, and a couple thoughts came to me: 1) the first line confused me (I think it should be phrased as [i]hoping that he would not pay attention and would dismiss me to do whatever I wanted.) and 2) not every child gets a car once they pass their driver's ed test. *still doesn't have a car after three years* So unless she's an ignorant child, that's kind of a silly thought to have in here. xD But it does fit an ignorant personality (as in naive), so if that's the case, then we're good. It just made me laugh. But after seven years, would Dad still be that protective over her? I've never experienced this, so forgive me if I'm wrong in assuming such. And at this point, I'm not sure how Mom died. Still, I don't see why Dad is such a hawk as if she's Cinderella and he's the evil step-mother.
Eek! Careful with these "obvious" things. The reader didn't know her name in the first place. Perhaps rephrasing it to sound like he always did this and he did it again just now. (And by this last line, I'm starting to think this MC really is naive. xD What daughter doesn't look like or act like her mother?)
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Ooh, okay. So I suddenly found a point-of-view change from first to third. If it's first person, we can't know what Dad and Jesse are talking about. We have to follow the MC downstairs.
And also, no fair chatspeaking. xD "OMG" shouldn't be used!
And at this point, Dad is really irritating me in that he's acting like some preteen who didn't get what they wanted. Is there some mental condition? Some sort of schizophrenia or mental disorder? Maybe some sort of disorder which is affected by the shock of losing Mom. Not sure. But a mental illness is the only reason I'll let him act like this. After seven years...
Eek! Another point-of-view change. We went from third person singular to third person omniscient. There has to be a clear difference in the style we want. Do we want to follow one particular person (Annie) or do we want to keep out of the way and overlook the story as a whole (third person omniscient)?
Okay, by now (this is by some break in the story after Victor showed up), I see why Dad is protective about Annie. I don't see why he has to act like a schoolgirl about it though. XD So just man him up. And also, I recall Jesse whimpering about not dying when just a moment before he was all macho, she's-a-big-girl, laidback kind of guy. Man him up too.
Aaaand that action scene was AWESOME. Just sayin'. I think it's best to end this part before the "What's your name" bit. It's way too random, and I think ending it with the MC in the mystery-man's arms is a wicked cliffhanger. Definitely just stop it after the realization her dad and brother are dead.
----
So I'm totally excited about this. There was a bit in there that mentioned God would forgive the killer for killing... her? Not sure how true that is if he doesn't believe in God anyway. He'd have to repent his sins and such, yes?
Anyway, overall, I think your story idea is *brilliant*. I'm really excited, and I think you should continue this, assuming this is an original writing and not plagiarism.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hmm this is a very interesting and compelling piece of work!! I can't wait to read more!!! Your descriptions were good and it gave me a good picture in my head which is always good! Also the emotion from this was very nicely done!! I hope you post another chapter soon so I may read more XD. I hope you receive many helpful reviews and Good job!!! Keep up the good work and Happy Writing!!!! Until you update!!!!
Soulkana<3