Poem 1

Hey there. Returning the favor of a review.

Interesting. It took me a few times through to understand what it was about, but I got it (I'm pretty slow on the uptake, sometimes). It's about death, right? I hope. I'm basing my critique off of it.

First of all, did you use "soothed" as a dialogue tag? Because it isn't working for me. I barely understood that you were "soothing" the person with your words. If you're not going to use quotation marks, just say "said." It will be clearer.

"and you laughed through the hurt." I feel like there are so much stronger words that you could use here to convey what you want here. It's very plain compared to the rest of the poem.

"Straight to the other side,
and I was holding meat."
This? right here? Good way to end the poem. But I think it would serve you better if it wasn't a sentence fragment. Fragments can be used for stylistic purposes, but here it's a little jarring. Perhaps if you took away the period at the end of the last line it would feel better. "You laughed through the hurt straight to the other side, and I was holding meat." I feel like that would serve you better in this poem.

About the title. I feel like you should name it something interesting. "Poem 1" sounds not only boring (and this isn't a boring poem. It's filled with insight) but a little pretentious. I feel that way when anyone names a poem "untitled" as well. It's like they're saying, "My poem is too special to have a title." So perhaps name it. If you like it at all, name it. Someone once said that a title is an artist's seal of approval. Let me see your seal of approval.

Happy writing.

As a review, I hope this helps. Maybe it can save a poem. I would leave it like it is. Age, gender, insight on the situation, etc. would only distract. This is about someone who dreamed and laughed. Someone who turned into some THING, laughing until she or he (?) left. In fact the only part of this poem I very slightly dislike (but that I still think is necessary) is "Straight to the other side,". It kind of gives it away before the punch.

I doubt many here have ever held "meat" as you mention here. It seems as obvious in their comments as the meaning is blunt in your poem. I don't believe it's recognized as an idiom, not to most at least. Rather I think it's a universal recognition in the experience which makes this poem great. It's not immediately obvious and many won't stop to consider it, vying instead to pass it off as "it's just poetry" rather than seeing the truth of it, of how living, loving, laughing people turn into nothing more than "meat".

This is a good poem even though it creeps me out a lot I might even have nightmares after this.

Yes, the mention of dreams just makes it feel like we can get into dream interpretation here. Everything seems rather straightforward, if vague, until we get to the ending "and I was holding meat". Like, what is that? That's where it really comes into dream interpretation. I feel like running to a dream dictionary and futilely trying to find out what meat means and what it means if I'm holding it and what omens of my future I have dreamt up. So I think it's good that you haven't intended this poem as a dream, but the mention of the word brings it into that realm. Nice slippery technique.

But did you use "soothed" as a stand-in for said? Ew! Don't cheapen the tightness you have going with a mistake like that. If it's not meant to function as a dialogue tag to dialogue without quotation marks, you need a period instead of a comma before it. If it is meant to be a dialogue tag, you need to reconsider. Try putting said there and move soothe somewhere more appropriate.

Next, why'd you chop up "through the hurt" and "straight to the other side" when they go together? I'd rather see. "laughed through the hurt/ straight to the other side. / And I was holding meat." It's clear from the form that you want to emphasize that last sentence, so why not let it be its own sentence and leave the rest of the poem to play together?

All in all, pretty tight. Needs to be pushed a little further in terms of tightening it up, but it's something realistically absurd and creepy in just the right way.

Good luck! Lemme know through PM or a wall post if you have any questions.

This poem was very short and to the point. I don't really enjoy when poets ramble on about nothing. It was also fairly chilling, which I enjoy in poems. I would have liked better insight, though. I feel as though there is more to be told through this poem.

Em,yeah.It's pretty scary on how you put the blood to represent the hurt and an unfulfilled dreams, and I have to think twice to get the means.Some poem can be just a short one to represent the meaning .It is beautiful for the first line until the fourth lines;

'There was a handful of blood in your hair;
what clotted dreams you must have, I soothed
and you laughed through the hurt.
Straight to the other side,'

Its flow smoothly,perfect rhythm and I really like to read this stanza.But the last line makes it become a kind of mysterious poem that only you can understand it.Why do you have to hold a meat?Its look like you are the reason for the pain ,that he or she(I guess 'she') had to suffer.Anyway,you do a great poem for me.Keep writing buddy:)

Hi Loverr,

JD here!
It's been awhile since I've reviewed anything so this might be a bit rough, but hopefully I can help a bit!

First off, it's very short. I think I actually like that - the way it gets straight to the point. I'm not a huge fan of long poems that tend to drag on and on. I really like this piece, it's super sick. There are clearly a lot of hidden meanings in this poem, something you have to dig deeper for. I think your goal was to create a poem that could be deciphered in many different ways through different point of views from varying people. It's one of those pieces you can just figure out for yourself.

A little bit more clarity would make it fantastic though. Maybe some insight on the situation, or even some simple physical traits given to the character. Gender? Age?

PM me for more of your work!

-- JD