I loved Florida, absolutely loved it without a doubt in my mind. The hot sun burning into my skin, like it was a part of me...molding to me. The beach was probably the best part of living in Florida. You could smell the salt from two miles away, but the scent clung to me, like a gift from the sea. I was born and raised in Florida, so it was my home, became part of who I was. So when I heard the news...my life was ruined.
"Honey, hurry up and finish packing, we only have a week to get out of here now!" My mom was always yelling at me to rush and pack my things up, which wasn't doing a heck of a bit better for me, maybe she didn't notice this, but boy did I.
"Mom, hold on I am hurrying. Promise." Some of my friends had moved to different states and said that they loved it. It might not turn out to be that horrible, maybe it could.
After the first three days of our "week" to pack, I had my room, my bathroom, everything in my closet, and my 18-year old sister's room packed and ready to go. "Good job honey, keep up the good work." Is all my mom would say when I worked my little tooshie off.
"Thanks mom. What do I do now?" well now honey you do all the work while I sit outside to smoke. That's pretty much what it sounded like to me,
"Go ahead and start packing my clothes up, it will help us go faster." Wow really mom, you can't do that yourself? Sheesh.
"Okay mom."
"Thanks sweetie."
"Yeah, yeah." I muttered loud enough to myself, but too low for my mom to hear.
"What honey?" "Nothing mom, just a stupid bird." That was usually my lie, but it worked every time.
"Do we really have to move mom?" I really liked Florida and even though we were only moving like one state away, I didn't want to leave at all.
"Elizabeth honey, Georgia is only one state above us. It is still going to be hot and humid, just how you like your states." I had to laugh; sometimes my mom could be pretty cool.
"Okie Dokie then." My older sister shook her head in shame.
"You two act like such children sometimes." I snorted then shot back a sharp reply
"Well at least I am not eighteen and still a Junior!" Even my mom got kind of mad at that one. We all know that mom held Kera back a grade so she could catch up with the other kids, but sometimes Kera got on my nerves. I was so glad I wasn't in the same class as her. Yep I am sixteen she is eighteen and we are both in the same grade...awkward.
"Excuse me Elizabeth, thanks to that actually, I am in all honors classes." I couldn't help myself, I had to shoot back at her again.
"And so am I." Mom had to get involved then, Kera was about to go bonkers.
"Okay you two cut it out, you are sisters be NICE." She made the last word long and drawn out like we couldn't understand what she was saying, but I knew she was just trying to prove a point.
"Sorry mom, sorry Kera." I was usually always the first one to apologize, the responsible one.
"Thanks honey, now what about you Kera?"
"And I should say sorry to her because?"
"Because she is your sister!"
"And...?"
"And she deserves an apology."
"Mom, did you even hear what she said to me?
"Yes honey, and you should say sorry or you are grounded for a week."
"Fine, I am sorry Elizabeth." I sighed thankful that the argument was over.
"Thanks Kera, it's all good. And I am really sorry for saying that stuff to you."
"It's okay." Thank God.
The next morning we left for Georgia, Kera was excited, but I just sat in the back seat moping like a moron. Maybe I could get mom to change her mind and we could go back home. "Please mom, pleaassseeeeeee?"
"NO for the one-hundredth time NO!" Mom never yelled, so I could tell she was angry. I immediately stopped pleading. For a few hours I just sat there thinking of what Georgia might be like. If it really was like Florida, did they have alligators? Were there beaches around? What about hot guys? Hmmm, well of course there were beaches, it was along the coast, and hot guys, yes, there are always hot guys.
"Come on guys we made it to the rest stop. That means we only have one hour left!" Kera almost screamed to the top of her lungs, but managed to keep her liveliness under control.
As I was walking out of the bathroom I accidently ran into a guy, a hot guy. "Oh my God, I am so sorry dude. I really did not mean to run into you!" He laughed and shook my hand.
"It's no big deal; my name is William, and you?" My mouth dropped open dumbfounded, people were so nice here. "My name is err, umm, my name is Elizabeth." He or -William- chuckled and patted me on the shoulder.
"Well it's nice to have met you, hey where do you go to school at?"
"Actually I just moved here, actually I haven't even moved in yet."
"Oh, well that's nice. Do you know where you will be living at?"
"Well I know I am going to be living in Brunswick and the street is Cate Street, I think."
"Oh, so you are going to Brunswick High School? That's where I go!"
"Really? Maybe I will see you there, and you could show me around?"
"Sure that would be nice; I wouldn't mind being seen with you, although you do kind of show me up."
"What?"
"Oh, by the way that's a nice name. Elizabeth, hmmm, well I have to go bye." What was up with this guy? PMS?
"Oh umm, err, bye?"
"Later."
"Wait! William! Will I see you around?"
"Definitely"
As William walked away I couldn't help but know I was going to dream about his gorgeous blond shaggy hair and mesmerizing blue eyes.
~AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is just something I wrote a while back that I was experimenting with, I'm not expecting full critiques or anything really specific because I don't even plan on finishing this anyway. Just thought I would post it for fun. Thanks. ~
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hello!
Good opening! It sets the scene well and provides a nice description of the weather.Firstly, my apologies for taking forever in getting to this. I don't review very often these days, but hopefully it will have been worth the wait...
Specifics
1.
2. I'm somewhat uncertain why the main character is packing for their 18 year old sister - isn't she capable of packing for herself? You need to give your reader some level of explanation for that or they'll be distracted instead of reading your story smoothly
3. This is all rushing by a bit quickly and you're more focused on the dialogue than the emotions Elizabeth feels at leaving her home. You've given us a snapshot view of the family, and that's great, but I'd really like to see her doing the packing and how she feels at leaving this house behind. I want to feel her emotions as she looks at the walls she cannot pack, with their familiar wallpaper. As she drags out an old toy from under the bed and debates throwing it away. Moving house is very traumatic and mostly because not everything goes with you and I feel there needs to be more of a sense of that. For me, that's far more important than the character bonding between Elizabeth, her mum and her sister.
Overall
This isn't bad. It could use some polishing, though I note you're not really planning on doing that, but I think if you did want to write more, you'd have a good base. The meeting with William is perhaps a little too obvious and screams 'love connection' so maybe tone that down, or maybe the twist will be that she'll hate him. I don't know.
Thanks for sharing anyway and if there's something more recent you'd like a review on, maybe I can review that for you next review day
Heather xx
Hi there Lovelysayshi,
I thought this was alright. There was a lot of dialogue, and I agree with lyssiekins. At times the dialogue did seem a bit forced. But I won't critise this too much seeing as it's old work. But then why did you post it? (Just a question out of interest)
The story wasn't interesting enough for me. It didn't capture my attention. I felt like I was reading about a girl who complained about her mother and her sister and then about moving. And lastly she bumped into a hot guy and got lucky... It wasn't excited or memorable or interesting enough for me.
But it was alright...
Deanie x
It was a lot of dialogue, seemed a bit forced. I could use some more descriptive like at the beginning. "The hot sun burning into my skin, like it was a part of me...molding to me." That beautiful and it makes me feel warmth. Other than that a good story, for teenagers. Most of us have moved at one time or another so that initial dread is something we can all relate to.