Young Writers Society

Hello! I saw that this only has one review, so I figured I'll go add another one!

First Impression:
This poem is less "poem-y". It's more like a song. From the rhythm to its beat to its incomplete sentences, it feels more of lyrics from a song than a poem. Some terms make it even suitable for a rap (such as "my boy" and "can't move, can't breathe"). Personally, it's more lyrical, which is a fresh new writing style on your part.

Actual Review:

didn't know a boy from LA

walked out looking like a prince

from his accent, his laugh

then to the hair

To be honest, this part threw me off a bit. I honestly thought it was a land called LA then I remembered that LA meant Los Angeles BAHAHAH anyways

I could imagine the narrator simply being awestruck about every part of this boy. It would be nice if you expounded on at least one aspect more, describing his laugh or accent in detail.

It also felt a bit off when you first described his physical appearance, then his voice, then back to his physical appearance. It will be more cohesive if you put like things together.

my boy looking fresh in the golden breeze

with his chill, laid back energy

i can't move a muscle,

i can't breathe when he is near

Probably my favorite part! Everyone can relate at some point where they can't breathe or move a muscle. It may be out of admiration, fear, respect, intimidation. This line is relatable for many of us so great job to you for thinking about that.

as his car passes by buildings and

the tall coconut trees

his hair swiftly blows through

the gentle zephyr

This really gives the American boy dream vibes. Or something. I hope you get what I mean. But it's a lovely vivid picture to paint

oh pretty boy, be mine

i do not know what to say

but i love you

but it stays a secret that i love you

I think that the two "but"s are redundant. You can rid of the "but" in the third line. personally, it will give much more impact, because it will come across as the only thing the narrator can say while they're speechless. It's sad that they will keep it a secret. You could have expounded more on that , but keeping it like that is okay, too.


Overall, this is a cute piece! Keep it up! Try writing some lyrics for a song, too, because this style would go well with that.

This is alpacaboss, signing off.

Hey there @loveissourgrapes! Here to review your poem.

The overall narrative I got from the poem seemed to be communicated fairly clearly - the speaker is in love with a boy that has just moved in from LA, their love though is fairly surface level and seems to hone in on just the boy's beauty, different-ness, and presence. In the last two lines of the poem they realize they love the boy, but they're not going to share that with them. This sort of theme is not an uncommon one in poetry at all, though the aspect of them being from LA adds a little bit of a differentness to the story.

Taking a closer look stanza by stanza...

didn't know a boy from la
fresh out, looking like a prince
from his accent, his laugh
then to the hair

The first line seems like a very odd way to start as it doesn't set up a full or complete sentence or thought - who is the speaker arguing with, what does the first line mean? I also think this is one example where capitalization may add a little clarity, while I interpreted "la" to be "Las Angeles" though at first glance I actually was thinking "Louisiana" or "Iowa"... I think it is a little ambiguous and would especially probably be so for non-US readers who may not know this abbreviation especially when lowercased. I think it would also add a lot of value to the poem if we know where the boy from LA ended up landing - > where is the speaker from? Where does the poem take-place? Without this information it's hard to figure out why they are so enthralled with the subject, or what differences / interests they might be speaking to in the poem. you give us the clue of cars, buildings, coconut trees - which makes me wonder if they're in Hawaii, or maybe Asia or a Pacific Island? But overall it's very ambiguous as I don't know if they're in a city or rural place. You also don't use the fact that they're from LA as much of a point despite it being such a refrain - as the speaker doesn't describe anything they do that's uniquely "LA" outside of an accent... Would be interested in if they dress differently, carry themselves differently, have different stories etc.

I also think the phrase "looking like a prince" is a bit misplaced with the details that follow which have to do with his looks -> ie. his accent and laugh - which are both audible details rather than visual ones.

my boy looking fresh in the golden breeze
with his chill, laid back energy
i can't move a muscle,
i can't breathe when he is near

"golden breeze" is a nice descriptor and I like the explanation of the boy's effect on the reader.

as the car passes by buildings and
the tall coconut trees
he hair swiftly blows through
the gentle zephyr

What car? the boy's car? the speaker's car? I think you mean "his hair" rather than "he hair".

oh pretty boy, be mine
i do not know what to say
but i love you //
but it stays a secret that i love you

I think this is an interesting turn / way to end the poem, but I think the final line could be even a touch more dramatic.

Overall a fairly clear poem, I think there are few aspects that could be tweaked to take the poem up to the next level. Keep on writing!

alliyah