Hey there! Posting old work isn't always the best of plans because it's difficult to advise someone who has probably advanced beyond the level of skill being exhibited but I'll do what I can:
Punctuation
Everywhere you have 'im' it should be I'm and you need to add punctuation to this piece so that it's firstly easier to read and secondly because it's much more professional and easier on the eyes. You've got a lot of questions that are missing question marks or you could use commas in some places.
Repetition
The repetition of 'will you' gets very dull after a while and makes your poem very much like a list. Try to mix your syntax up occasionally and add other lines in between. This is easily done by selecting a few of the issues and delving deeper, adding similes and metaphors to the question. For example, if I take one of your lines you could actually write a whole stanza on just that:
When I cry bloated tears
made plump from another's indulgence;
those gluttons feasting on my pain -
will you offer me a shoulder
to weep against?
It still won't provide you with the best of poetry but it's a good place to start until you feel more confident to delve deeper into the obscure.
Content
There's a lot of almost 'chain letter' style poetry written around the subject of love but ask yourself, is that really what your readers want to see? There's a much wider audience hungering for heart-felt stories that touch upon a more personal level, for something a little more unusual. The content of your poem is as important as the plot of a novel so think carefully. Poetry can express a story or an emotion or even just a vague ideal but choosing to write one on love is a challenge. There's a thousand other poems out there expressing the same emotion and you have to really strain to show why yours should be read and cherished above the others. Dopes it show a new twist, an interesting view of love or is it particularly beautiful in the way its written?
Just a few things for you to think about. I hope this helps a little,
Heather xx
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