Oh yes, I orgot to mention that you should probably break down your paragraphs and put a space between each one. It makes it easier on the reader's eyes... good luck!
Thanks for all the feed back Kaylyn JabberHut and Esmeits really appricated.
i think this needs a full re write so hopfully when ever i get time i can improve this
x
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I foraged in the backstreets of 22nd century madness, hopelessly it seemed searching. The quick rhythmic tapping of rodents feet anxiously running from my presence cruelly taunting me with hunger. As they dashed towards their little holes in the world hiding far from capture, I guilty thought about tearing each small scraggy piece of meat from their bodies, and stuffing the raw flesh into me. Seizing that moment of repungent craving I darted to where they has disappeared into the ground and began to blindly claw at the dormant earth. Digging down with clammy hands longing to penetrate their cavern, forcing chunks of mud and slim apart desperately hoping to snare an animal. I could feel my eyes bulging, ravaged by the maddening relentless desire. This avid flare of basic yearning sickened me, willing my stomach to wrench up what was left of its meager contents. I marvelled at my present state, wretched torment shaking my body, rendering me desperate enough to grope after unseen creatures. These pathetic sobs example of my feeble self pity and vulnerability. Wishing not to give into the trembling weakness i fought to regain what dignity i had left, roughly pushing the muck from my hands, turning instead to walk on seeking something edible.
After wondering without any clear direction for a long while (the moments unclearly blending into hours) I happened across a small plant hung loosely with a few blessed berries. My relief was overwhelming at the sight of these juicy red beads. Advancing closer, quickly bridging the gap between myself and my prize. Built up desire blurred my body, primal instinct spurring me on faster than before. But i was cruelly struck, stopped in my tracks as a stout factory drain pipe came into view leaking a foul gunk around the plant. My conflicted urge for anything to fill my body threatened to overcome my common sense. Hovering about the retched pipe whilst it seeped reeking goo, my fingers clutched together itching to grasp at the jewelled fruit, forming white marks where they pushed the blood from the skin. My stomach so limp and empty persistently demanding to be full, forced me to give way. They were indeed to easy a morsel meal to decline.
I knelt on the black brick cobbles my flimsy dirt ridden skirt enveloping my legs. Each single gem tempting me, as I imagined the sharp tang of juice hitting my tongue. I grasped every last gluttonous berry and stuffed them one after the other, liquid pulp dribbling unashamedly from my mouth. The dilapidated shrub now left bare could only marvel at the ravenous being crouched before it consuming the last pieces of its beauty. An elated grimace washed over my pallid ashen features twisting taut, full of shocked pleasure and delight from the tart berries. My tongue now rolling over them more gradually reveling in the incomparable sensation and silvery taste it was experiencing. Thinking of how long I had lived off the most basic foods it was striking to believe that my stagnated scenes could appreciate such utter satisfaction. Savouring each sour flavour I greedily gulped down my meal, feeling the solid block edge along my gullet. I had wondered inertly for so long a time that I'd forgotten such fulfillment were possible. And so odd was the release that came with rousing myself; i realized a freedom containing this level of "bodious"delight was far better than I had ever imagined it could be.
It had been some hours since my glorious meal, but still it sat pretty in my shrunken belly. Life giving energy infiltrating every last part of me, prolonging my sustenance. High off the glucose in my veins, staccato twitching of hyperactivity shivered throughout me, blood pumping with an unfamiliar ruddiness tinging my cheeks. Stumbling a few yards away from the cadaverous stripped twigs, I slouched drowsily content against a hard wall, somehow devoid of the filthy green which snaked over the streets unperturbed. A stifled ambiance of thick low lying smog began to blanket the air (catching in my throat and blackening my skin). Hazy clouds of sooty smoke obscured my vision, even as i waved it from my face. In my dazed state flustered panic filtered slower than it should, the decaying buildings blurring as film ran over my eyes. A falling wash of dizzy confusion took me. My brief rest bite suddenly shattered as jolts of cramping pain split me apart from the inside.
My stomach squirmed, as its acidic contents began to curdle and wriggle forth. Endless caustic burning racked my senses with piercing clarity, as glaringly detailed sensations mixed with blinding convulsions. I flinched at the livid harpoons which fired in my throat. Every minute twinge of movement releasing a fresh pang of toxin which gushed from me, scarcely letting up so I could breath in between the putrefied vomit. Hearing equally slurred as sight, ears dimmed to my own shrieks of anguish. Hallucinations of memories past seeped into my mind.
Herds of feet sounding unnaturally dead in the background. Constant suffering torture, working us to death. Betrayal of fatigue, not having enough to push my failing body on. Armour clad guards, wearing the kind of black boots, that leave patterned bruises in the skin. Thick hands grasping my weak frame. A determined coercion of muscle bearing down, forcing my will power to writhe dangerously away from me, squeezing out my final ounce of strength.
Last breath; short and quick.
Unable to tell the difference between past and present grief I sank into the shadows away from it all.
Found. Dragged. A grip pulling me. Hurried tightness yanking my floppy carcass. The pace of my escape like flight, as vaguely soothing flutters of air rush past me, causing bedraggled clumps of hair to flap about my face. I traveled away from that contaminated place, its hold weakening, toxic atmosphere relenting to cool fresh air. Lolling arms tumbling on wet earth, liquid slime of the street defiling me further, abrasion tearing shallow grazes into my heels and buttocks, rags shredded. With one last frenzied convulsion I slumped into unconsciousness.
Oh yes, I orgot to mention that you should probably break down your paragraphs and put a space between each one. It makes it easier on the reader's eyes... good luck!
Capitilize your I's. I noticed that that were a few of them in lower case. Anyways, let me know when you continue this, I would like to read it. Pm me and I'll critique it or give some opinions, or help out, or whatever. Don't hesitate to let me know. I think that your story had a lot of potential and you need to keep going on with it. Good luck with your writings!!!!!!
Hello, lotti! ^^
I'm going to go paragraph by paragraph, color-coding everything I want to point out. Try to keep up! 
I foraged in the backstreets of 22nd century madness, hopelessly, <== Comma! it seemed, <== Comma! searching. The quick rhythmic tapping of rodents' <== Apostrophe! feet anxiously running from my presence, <== Comma! cruelly taunting me with hunger. As they dashed towards their little holes in the world, <== Comma! hiding far from capture, I [s]guilty[/s] guiltily thought about tearing each small, <== Comma! scraggy piece of meat from their bodies, [no comma] and stuffing the raw flesh into me.
[New idea, new paragraph]
Seizing that moment of repungent craving, <== Comma! I darted to where they [s]has[/s] disappeared into the ground and began to blindly claw at the dormant earth. Digging down with clammy hands, <== Comma! longing to penetrate their cavern, forcing chunks of mud and [s]slim[/s] slime [?] apart, <== Comma! desperately hoping to snare an animal. I could feel my eyes bulging, ravaged by the maddening, <== Comma! relentless desire.
[New idea, new paragraph]
This avid flare of basic yearning sickened me, willing my stomach to wrench up what was left of its meager contents. I marvelled at my present state, wretched torment shaking my body, rendering me desperate enough to grope after unseen creatures. These pathetic sobs-- <== Dash! example of my feeble self pity and vulnerability. Wishing not to give into the trembling weakness, <== Comma! [s]i[/s] I fought to regain what dignity [s]i[/s] I had left, roughly pushing the muck from my hands, turning, <== Comma! instead, <== Comma! to walk on, <== Comma! seeking something edible.
After [s]wondering[/s] wandering without any clear direction for a long while (the moments unclearly blending into hours), <== Comma! I happened across a small plant hung loosely with a few blessed berries. My relief was overwhelming at the sight of these juicy red beads. [s]Advancing[/s] I advanced closer, quickly bridging the gap between myself and my prize. Built up desire blurred my body, primal instinct spurring me on faster than before. But [s]i[/s] I was cruelly struck, stopped in my tracks as a stout factory drain pipe came into view, <== Comma! leaking a foul gunk around the plant. My conflicted urge for anything to fill my body threatened to overcome my common sense. Hovering about the retched pipe whilst it seeped reeking goo, my fingers clutched together, <== Comma! itching to grasp at the [s]jewelled[/s] jeweled fruit, forming white marks where they pushed the blood from the skin. My stomach so limp and empty, <== Comma! persistently demanding to be full, forced me to give way. They were indeed [s]to[/s] too easy a morsel meal to decline.
I knelt on the black brick cobbles, <== Comma! my flimsy [s]dirt ridden[/s] dirt-ridden skirt enveloping my legs. Each single gem [s]tempting[/s] tempted me, [no comma] as I imagined the sharp tang of juice hitting my tongue. I grasped every last gluttonous berry and stuffed them one after the other, liquid pulp dribbling unashamedly from my mouth. The dilapidated shrub now left bare could only marvel at the ravenous being crouched before it, <== Comma! consuming the last pieces of its beauty. An elated grimace washed over my pallid ashen features, <== Comma! twisting taut, full of shocked pleasure and delight from the tart berries. My tongue now rolling over them more gradually, <== Comma! reveling in the incomparable sensation and silvery taste it was experiencing. Thinking of how long I had lived off the most basic foods, <== Comma! it was striking to believe that my stagnated [s]scenes[/s] senses [?] could appreciate such utter satisfaction. Savouring each sour flavour, <== Comma! I greedily gulped down my meal, feeling the solid block edge along my gullet. I had wondered inertly for so long a time that I'd forgotten such fulfillment were possible. And so odd was the release that came with rousing myself; [s]i[/s] I realized a freedom containing this level of "bodious"delight was far better than I had ever imagined it could be.
It had been some hours since my glorious meal, but still, <== Comma! it sat [s]pretty[/s] in my shrunken belly. Life giving energy infiltrating every last part of me, prolonging my sustenance. High off the glucose in my veins, staccato twitching of hyperactivity shivered throughout me, blood pumping with an unfamiliar ruddiness tinging my cheeks. Stumbling a few yards away from the cadaverous stripped twigs, I slouched drowsily, <== Comma! content against a hard wall, somehow devoid of the filthy green which snaked over the streets unperturbed. A stifled ambiance of thick low lying smog began to blanket the air (catching in my throat and blackening my skin). Hazy clouds of sooty smoke obscured my vision, even as [s]i[/s] I waved it from my face. In my dazed state, <== Comma! flustered panic filtered slower than it should, the decaying buildings blurring as film ran over my eyes. A falling wash of dizzy confusion took me. My brief rest [s]bite[/s] suddenly shattered as jolts of cramping pain split me apart from the inside.
But this part, as wonderfully written as it is, it doesn't fit with the sentence. In fact, the entire sentence, not just this italicized part. It doesn't work for me. Get rid of it or rewrite it so it's actually a sentence (or two). My stomach squirmed, [no comma] as its acidic contents began to curdle and wriggle forth. Endless caustic burning racked my senses with piercing clarity, [no comma] as glaringly detailed sensations mixed with blinding convulsions. I flinched at the livid harpoons which fired in my throat. Every minute twinge of movement [s]releasing[/s] released a fresh pang of toxin which gushed from me, scarcely letting up so I could [s]breath[/s] breathe in between the putrefied vomit. My hearing was [s]Hearing[/s] equally slurred as my sight, ears dimmed to my own shrieks of anguish. Hallucinations of memories past seeped into my mind.
Herds of feet sounding unnaturally dead in the background. Constant suffering torture, [period instead] working us to death. Betrayal of fatigue, not having enough to push my failing body on. Armour clad guards, [no comma] wearing the kind of black boots, [no comma] that leave patterned bruises in the skin. Thick hands grasping my weak frame. A determined coercion of muscle bearing down, forcing my [s]will power[/s] willpower to writhe dangerously away from me, squeezing out my final ounce of strength.
Unable to tell the difference between past and present grief, <== Comma! I sank into the shadows away from it all.
Found. Dragged. A grip pulling me. Hurried tightness yanking my floppy carcass. The pace of my escape like flight, [no comma] as vaguely soothing flutters of air rush past me, causing bedraggled clumps of hair to flap about my face. I traveled away from that contaminated place, its hold weakening, toxic atmosphere relenting to cool fresh air. Lolling arms tumbling on wet earth, liquid slime of the street defiling me further, abrasion tearing shallow grazes into my heels and buttocks, rags shredded. With one last frenzied convulsion, <== Comma! I slumped into unconsciousness.
It got too descriptive, and my brain hurt trying to keep up with all the words. I didn't see any point with this story, so I'm going to bet that more will be coming. Make this more of a story than poetry. The reader will better keep up with you. Kudos on your amazing vocabulary, though! I'm honestly jealous about that.
It is looking even better. Though I think you should take out the last sentance, it just doesn't sound right. I didn't find any grammar mistakes this time. You did a good job with the edited version and I hope to see more. I can sense some action. Thats good because it is a bit boring in the first part. I lke the ending part. PM me when you get more on this story. Good luck with your future writing!
so yh ive added more now.
i think this is kinda the first chapter, tho im not sure where it is going.
read and review please!!!
thanks
I really love your story so far. Let me know when you continue it! Anyways good job on improving your story. Good luck with your future writings!
hi seekers, what do u need u hated it lol
thanks for saying it was wel written.
do u mean u didnt like the story line so far???
it does get more interesting.
so far its majoritivly descriptive and im looking forwards to introducing dialoge with other characters and the back story. im just a bit of a slow writter. :/
o and the forth bit is up!
x
thank you esme
for the tips and everything 
it does need editing, for the capitals and comma use (as i tend to over use them) and ovbiously speeling.
and i think i will keep it to one large peice like u suggested.
thanks a bunch, its always hard getting used to a new forum, but everyone has been extremly helpful.
i will soon re edit was re cheak everything.
x
p.s. there definitly is more to come
Lotti,
Welcome to YWS. It’s a wonderfully addictive site ^_^. Anyway, your critique, since this is what we post stories for, no?
First of all, Kaylyn said some very useful things. Why are the “I’s” not capitalized? It just looks bad the way it is. Beginning of sentences NEED to be capitalized. I know you know that. Everyone knows that, and not doing that was just lazy on your part^^. Without those, someone might have written the best story ever, but I’d still not read it.
I know that the contents count also. I know that. But sometimes visuals can really put off. Might seem unfair, but it’s true, and with both the visuals and grammars correct, the story is much easier to read for a critiquer.
So, don’t take it to hard on yourself. That must be said, and that must be corrected. It won’t be either hard or time consuming, so you’ll be able to do that pretty quickly. Feel free to ask me, or anyone, really, if you have any problems with that.
Typos… There’s a spell check when you post. Press that. Typos are easy to make, and are a bit of a nuisance. Be careful with those. But again, they can easily be taken care of. So no problems with that - just do it.
Posting - It’s okay if you post everything in one post; it even might be better. That way, the reader won’t get de-concentrated from your story? You don’t want that (: If you want to add something to a post already made, press “Edit”.
So, you do that. Might take you 5, 10 minutes, if that, and it’ll do wonders to your story.
Yes, I know I focused more on the technical side of you story, but that’s the part that needed it most. So, clean that up, and then PM me if the edited version will be out (: If you want, of course.
Thanks for posting,
Esme
P.S. You have a very pretty username (:
thanks kaylyn
yh it was first type so spelling is gonna b a problem lol
and there will be more coming
x
Here goes:
Capitilize your I's and the beginning of your sentances.
Mind that you spell things correctly and review your post for any mistakes(like hitting the wrong key typing.)
Other than that keep up the good work, I liked the story, and I hope to see more.
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