“Mommy, do you wanna play a game?”
Susie leaned back against the wall, tears filling her eyes. Her hands were finally being untied. She was free to go.
“Sure! What kind of game?”
“Are you sure you are ready to go, Susie?” asked Dr. Williams.
Susie nodded. "I’m ready. I think it’s time to get out of this place. Finally, I’m free!”
“The Murder game.”
Dr. Williams grinned and took her outside the door that had trapped her in the same place for fifteen years.
“Hmm, that sounds nice. How do you play the Murder game?”
“Susie, this is a big decision. Do you want to get your own place, and start off on your own, or stay with me until you get a job?”
“I take a knife, and I stab you Mommy. Then you die. That’s the Murder game.”
Susie laughed. “I will stay with you. After all, you are my favorite doctor.”
“Susie, stay back. Stay back! Get that knife away! I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I don’t want to hurt you either. I want to kill you!”
Dr. Williams laughed as well, and said, “Get in the car, Susie. Let’s get you out of here.”
“Mommy? Wake up Mommy! Wake up! Please, Mommy. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it…”
“Dr. Williams, what is your real name? I want to know it before tonight,” asks Susie.
“My real name is Richard. What happens tonight?”
A pool of blood becomes the only floor. In the middle laid her Mommy. Why did she kill her? Mommy didn’t have to die. She was only playing. It’s not her fault that Mommy fell and hit her head. It’s not her fault that Mommy landed on a knife.
Susie smirked. “Let’s just say it will be a night you will remember forever.”
***************************
“This is your second murder, Susie. I sentence you for life in prison. I hope it was worth it,” the judge concluded.
Mommy, I have avenged you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
This send chills down my spine, especially at the end. I must say, however, that it could have been more interesting if you explored Susie's feelings more as she was having flashbacks and talking to Richard. I think it would have given the reader a more in depth view of her mind and made her more disturbing, but that's just my opinions so make of it what you will. Overall, I enjoyed this story
Heya, Lost! Casanova here to do a review for you! Well, e, but let's start here. Anyway, let's get to the review.
First Impression This was.. This was really something, honestly. there's been a bit of thought put into this, and it's obvious you took a bit of time for it. So I give you props for that, but I will have some things to say on this.
The next thing i noticed was the amount of dialogue in this. I know there's going to be dialogue in a short story or in most prose work. But here you have most of the story being told throughout the dialogue, and I really didn't enjoy that. Mess around, have fun with it. I'm sure you can come up with something better than just dialogue to continue your story. Anyway, onward.
The next thing is that I felt like you could have added more to this story. Between her mommy being murdered and the next murder(I assume?) there was probably a lot of things that happened that I'm rather interested in knowing about. Who did she kill this time? Where when how? I would like to see all of those questions answered. IN SOME OTHER WAY besides dialogue.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped at least a bit. Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
YOur friend, Matt
This is awesome <3
That's really... yeah
Scared yet?
Its interesting
Hats off to you :*
Timmy has decided to pollute this fine work with his worthless optimisms and tiny nitpicks.
Wow, this work was... strange... When I first began reading it, I thought I wouldn't like it. At first I was confused, not knowing what to think.
But after the first few lines, I kinda figured out what was going on. And what a story is told here! Many of your reviewers are saying that you should have had more, that this wasn't enough. I am dead-set against that opinion. There needs to be no description. There doesn't need to be any back story besides what is presented here in that dialogue. There doesn't need to be anything more.
This is perfect the way it is...
Save for a few nitpicks, that is.
I do agree with the reviewer down below that this doesn't sound right. Not only does it sound strange for a mental institution, or a jail, whichever, but it sounds old-fashioned. Perhaps a straight jacket or something?
No grammar issues or anything, but technically Dr. Williams is his real name... So wouldn't her asking him for his first name be more appropriate?
Is this something from her deranged mind? Some strange part of her thinking that she has avenged her mother by killing again... Or did she kill her mother?
I am a little confused, actually.
She is having serious mental issues. But amazing job, like usual.
~Darth Timmyjake
I think I understand this. What happens is, Susie kills her (because she probably doesn't understand death, and it was just a game). Then, she probably wanted to put herself in jail (to avenge her mother), so the most logical thing would be to kill someone else. The doctor probably had done something to cause Susie to want to kill him, and it all goes downhill from here.
Hello lost.
Why were her hands tied? Mental health facilities don't usually do that. Unless this is set in a different time, or he's keeping her captive, or she's unruly. It could just be a mistake, but if it's some sort of different situation then what we're lead to believe, then you should tell us.I had to read this about two times before I understood what was going on. This is a problem because you can never guarantee that someone is going to go read it again. I think you need to work on the overall clarity of this story. You could do this by telling us when you switch from one event to another. The italics isn't enough. At first, I thought you were using the italics to show who was speaking. At the moment, it look like you took the dialogue and put it through a random-order machine or something. I think that you were trying to build suspense? If so, then you should read this great article from terribleminds!(language warning). Back to the tossed-up dialogue, you need to make it as clear as possible that the speaker is clear, and that the scene is clear at all times.
I think you need a bit more description in here, too. I mean, where is she? I had no idea where she was at any point in this story. I mean, I can assume, but I don't know. Is she being untied in the middle of a supermarket? Did she stab her mother on top of the leaning tower of Pisa? Was she sentenced to life imprisonment at the carnival? Show me through description! Another point on description- body language and gestures make up a lot of how we communicate. We need more description after the dialogue. Show how a character said something and how the other character reacted. Use movements to communicate thoughts.
Another thing that irked me was the length. But if you follow my advice, I think you could make this longer.
Hope this helps! ^_^
I like it! ^.^
Damn! that's all i can say.......*whistles*
I love this. I played this game.
Hey, Lost. I just want to let you know that I understood every word of that. It was so creepy!
Slight nitpick: 'Susie nodded, “I’m ready.' - full stop instead of comma because nodding isn't a speech verb.
'the door that trapped her' - I think that should be 'door that had trapped her'.
'Susie laughed, “I will stay with you' - the comma thing again
'Susie smirked, “Let’s just' - comma
What is more important than that however is the fact that I read it all before even looking for those. I was so wrapped up in the story that I didn't notice the grammar mistakes. I don't think you can understand how much of a statement that is for me. I genuinely felt myself get goosebumps at the paragraph that begins, 'A pool of blood...'.
My only suggestion would be to maybe have a description of the doctor's countenance. Is he scared of Susie or does he feel affection for her? I'm fairly certain it's affection but I'd just like to be sure.
Well done!
First off, that's just really creepy and sadistic. I also wanted to let you know, the way you have it set up it's a bit hard to understand. I get that the italics are here memories/past and I really like that set up. But the way you were writing, I thought Susie was the mom. Probably because you make Susie sound like the victim to begin with and why would the little kid stabbing someone be the victim? Maybe you intentionally made it tricky just so that it would pack a bigger punch when she turned around and did it again.
Just wanted to let you know that maybe you should clarify a bit. Good luck!