Young Writers Society

Heya, Lost! Casanova here to do a review for you! Let's get to it.

First impression This is.. Wow, I actually like this. You were going on and on about how bad your portfolio was, and I completely disagree. It's not bad, it just needs some work done to it. Anyway, let's get on with the review!

The first thing I noticed was the subject. It's a mysterious factory, basically, with kids disappearing there. Good! You have a little bit of plot here. Now, you told me this was just background. Well, where's the rest of it? I figure background would have something to do with characters, the plot line itself, etc. Like, detailing the background of a plot/character. I like the idea, now I just want to know the rest of it. Anyway, onward.

The next thing that I noticed was the detailing of the factory itself. This seems a bit official. Like, something you'd read in an article or essay about it, instead of something trying to creep you out. I have a feeling you were going for the latter part of this, so I suggest editing the phrasing of a lot of it because honestly it seems like a boring tale of a fake haunted house that a newspaper is covering, if that makes any sense what so ever.

Anyway, overall I think you have a decent plot bunny here and I think you should go back and edit and actually write this one, I'd love to see it.

Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one so I hope it helps!

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Your friend, Matt

This was an actual dream you had? Well, you posted it under other so I'm assuming it wasn't necessarily supposed to be a fully developed story. It was certainly an interesting concept although I think you should maybe consider expanding your vocabulary. I don't mean that in offensive way, it's just that your diction was very basic. Maybe you intended for it to be that way, it's your art so I can't really say. There were some issues with repetition. Maybe you got a little stuck? Didn't know where to go with it? Also, I would consider focusing a bit more on sensory imagery for something like this. It was a great concept though, I enjoyed reading it.

Wow!! Hello I'm kam and I'll send you a quick review for such a quick little story!!

Well, to start I'll say I don't see a whole lot of grammatical errors but I'm also going to say that I'm not good on those errors to begin with! Anyway, the spelling and punctuation and such all seems intact to me! The only thing I'd encourage you to change is in the second paragraph first sentence, maybe change exited to left. As in the children never left/emerged/ walked out/ were seen alive. Just try not to repeat the same word over and over, because repetition isn't always helpful

Anyway, onto the length. It is a very short story and I feel as if it could be detailed a bit more. The story all started out with the man who was extremely hated. What was the reason the people hated him? What was the name of his sculpture and how did noone ever report this, especially someone who was not from the town?

Secondly, I think the children can be elaborated on. You stated how children would come in and never come out, but I feel like some kids should be able to come out, extremely traumatized and never the same again, telling the stories of how their classmates slowly began to go missing, before screams were heard deep in the heart of the building.

Add on to that, the best idea I see is how the children's souls are trapped first in the photo than the body of wax and it is extremely original. Treat it like sometimes you can turn around and look back and the children are in a different position or the screams get worse around the suspected time of 'death'. I think that'd really add on to the creepy level!!

Overall, the story was amazing and had really only a few flaws. The worst thing was it was very short and bare, so just elaborate on it and make more of those Three hundreds points!(I think it is 300?)

Keep writing and I hope I helped!