z

Young Writers Society


12+

Rifted - Chapter VI - Call of the Horn I

by JayeCShore


The barren, fading green plains of Surren Ides extended all around, rolling to the west and south. To the north lay The Foothills. To the east….

Freedom.

But I was far to young to understand the truth.

Our plow skipped across the hardened dirt, barely penetrating into the thick crust, bouncing along behind the Kuyja which was still attempting to escape the traces. My father swore loudly, snapping the rigid whip against the beast’s side.

‘Move on there you devil!’

It gave another jolting lunge in answer and he countered with a vicious kick, which did little more than escalate the situation. It was not that the beast was unwilling to submit, for that is where an animal becomes most comfortable. But fear was a thing which none could resist.

My father’s actions angered me, as he was stubborn and bull headed in the ways of taming such an animal. I could not blame him, though, for the land had been unkind to him for some time. First came the rain, which would not fall, and then the death of Stubs, so named for his missing horn. The poor fool. He had served us well for many years, plowing the fields, hauling the crops to market.

It had been his time anyways.

But without rain, there was no spring harvest, and without the harvest, there was no money to pay for a new beast of burden. Catching and training a wild Kuyja in the prime of its life was no easy task, and I was grateful that the difficult part was over.

My father did not seem to share my feelings, though.

Stepping to its side I took a hold of the halter and pulled down. The beast attempted to bolt, but the weight of the plow kept it from doing so and I was able to gain control of it, speaking softly and staring into its eyes. Father sighed, as it took some time, but I did not pay attention to him. If he would just be patient, all things would come, in time.

But the rain would not wait. That is, if we received any.

Jairus, a sage from the neighboring village, had seen a vision of a storm, one that would pour out its life giving bounty upon the land. Some clung to that hope like child to mother, but most spoke in whispers of his age. Rain would not come, unless it were a rain of fire and ash.

How could I know?

Intuition, perhaps. I was a farmer’s son, I could sense it in the soil.

But we prepared the fields nonetheless.

Usually is was not a very difficult task. Stubs, though old, was powerful and could work from dawn until dusk quite easily, dragging the heavy, pointed plow as it sliced through the earth. This time, though, there were far to many problems. My father being one of them.

‘If you do not hurry along, we will never get this field turned under.’ He remarked, stamping his foot.

‘I know. He is just frightened is all.’

‘Right. Well…frighten him a bit more into moving along. We do not have all spring.’ He turned and began to walk off towards our farm house, his gait a bit off as he limped. He stopped and turned back around to offer up one last bit of fatherly advice. ‘Get the field plowed before dark, or I will have both your hides for it.’

He was always so persuasive.

But to me, it was a blessing in disguise, and I believe he understood that as well. While he would never openly admit that I knew best when it came to the animals, this was his way of approving and allowing me to take over. Even if it was a bit harsh, but then, such was his way, and he was my father after all.

I sighed, though, staring out to the far east.

Many had taken the journey as of late, many of my friends. The drought did not exist in all places, and there was green land out there, beyond the Foothills. The mountains were just small rises in the distance, hardly visible through the hazing heat. It rose from the ground and descended from the skies, a constant reminder that we were not the owners of this place. Just borrowing, for a time.

I never understood why my father would not pack up and leave like the rest. It was his thick skull and ever present pride, I suppose, but even my mother had begun to worry. If we did not get rain soon, there would be no food.

My brother complained often of how little there was to eat already. He was seventeen then, and a better eater than I or my father, who always said that there was plenty, and we did not need to live like kings.

But I he could not hide the lines in his face and arms, growing ever sharper.


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Tue Jul 01, 2014 4:08 pm
MaryEvans wrote a review...



I'll start with a few minor nitpicks.

“My father’s actions angered me” there’s something odd about this sentence. It creates a distance, a look from above rather than direct emotional response. And if you were trying to go for the detached reaction, sure, but if you want to express a more direct emotion, I suggest rewording this.

“First came the rain” word choice here too. “Came” the rain suggests that there was rain, while in fact there wasn’t. It’s a bit of a jumble of meanings and can be easily fixed by going around came, like: “First, the rain wouldn’t fall/come”, and then the rest of the sentence.

“I could not blame, would not fall, did not seem.” Etc. You have a kind of detached style overall. This can be good, but in first person is risky. It holds back the voice of the character. In narration, generally, collapse those, like couldn’t blame, wouldn’t fall, didn’t see, etc. The prose is more engaged that way. Unless of course at a particular moment you want to create distance, then this is a wonderful way to do it, but doing it all the time really eats on the personality of the narrator.

“I could sense it in the soil.” Rather sense it in the horizon/sky/air/clouds, etc. Rain is a heavenly phenomenon, so the sense will be in the air rather than the ground.

So overall it’s good. Your language is good, structure works too, though I would revise for repetition of meanings and redundancies. Things like this: “He turned and began to walk off towards” You can just say he turned and started off towards. Try to avoid adverbs, and verbs used with other verbs, like begin to, start to, etc. The fewer the verbs and the more appropriate the word choice, the clearer and stronger the action.

What I would point out as an issue is the voice. The character is just a bit too… stiff. Just relax, imagine the speaker and let the words come, worry about structure later.

Else the mood is good, and the story is engaging and moves along well. Keep up the good work.




JayeCShore says...


The narrator is supposed to be stiff. He's cynical, hard, heady minded, and entirely sure of himself. There's a lot that gets revealed about him later on that makes more sense, but, rest assured, this sort of "distance" is deliberate.



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Tue Jul 01, 2014 4:05 pm
lostthought wrote a review...



Hey Jay! I'm here to review! And will smack you later.

Nitpicks

Spoiler! :
I was far to young to understand

I think you are missing an 'o' here. After all, he was far too young.

But I he could not hide the lines in his face

Here I am a bit unsure on what you mean. Perhaps you meant he could not hide the lines?


I'm going to guess this the farmer boy who joined the army in an earlier chapter. But didn't that kid die? Or was he taken as a prisoner of war instead, and none realize it?

The narrator respects his dad, even though his dad is bull-headed. That's a good aspect in a person, especially one who is going through tough times. Maybe the dad is a little too bull-headed. There is a drought and there will be no food. Most would think that is the time to move to a place that can actually provide for you. Hope is good, but in some cases it can be damaging.

The bad thing about getting here last is that someone usually gets to tell what can be improved first! I don't think the voice is all that formal, more coated with respect and some concern.

Keep writing!

-lost




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Tue Jul 01, 2014 3:33 pm
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review!

I'm reading this, and something feels off, but I can't tell what. It's like...

Father sighed, as it took some time, but I did not pay attention to him. If he would just be patient, all things would come, in time.

That's the sentence that clued me in to what was bugging me. You don't have contractions. Not that it must be riddled with them, but the piece is so formal, so correct that the narrator's voice is stifled. I'm trying to identify with him, trying to feel the surge of his emotions at his father's animal abuse, and it feels like your MC is lecturing, or coldly retelling hard facts. There are no emotions, no humanness, to his speech. It's okay to write "incorrectly" to give characters individuality, and first person PoV gives you a lot more freedom, since you're basically in someone else's head. Thoughts aren't always neat and pretty, these ordered things that follow grammar.

He remarked, stamping his foot.

It's okay to use "said," in fact it's actually mostly preferred, but if you're going to substitute for it, make sure your substitution makes sense. All the non-verbals and vocabulary choice are pointing to something a lot stronger than 'remarked,' like 'shouted,' or 'snapped.'

Even if it was a bit harsh, but then, such was his way, and he was my father after all.

That feels a lot like, "He's not evil, just misunderstood." I can understand a child wanting to justify their father, but be careful how far you take that.

You tend to shy away from using hyphens. You could have hyphenated 'bull headed' and 'ever present' (to name two examples), but didn't. It may be a style thing, but it definitely reads better.

Hope this helps!

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Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
— Quentin Crisp