Hey there, I'm here to review!
Grammar/Wording
I like the way in the first paragraph you describe the elevator as "over capacitated". It made me laugh visualizing a cramped elevator.
Also in the first paragraph make sure to just put the number "14" instead of spelling it out, to be consistent because you already put the number "24" for his age rather than spelling it out. --> Same issue in the next paragraph with his "three thousand" coworkers, either put the numeric value or spell it out, but be consistent every time.
In this sentence:
The last comma can be deleted. In a few other places it seemed like you had extra commas too, so be careful about this. (I have the same issue of sprinkling in extra commas in my work just to be safe)"Aaron caught awkward eye contact with the man, realized he was staring and looked away, just as the bus arrived.."
In this sentence:
I think it should be "...waited for an opportunity then stepped onto..." because he didn't wait and step at the same time. He did one and then the other."People flooded around Aaron into the bus, but Aaron stood his ground, waited for an opportunity and stepped onto the crowded automobile.
Other Suggestions
I think when you describe the bomb going off rather than just starting with "The bomb went off"... you should just go right into describing the explosion. It'd keep in the action and it's not really necessary anyways because the reader can infer what happened by your descriptions.
Also rather than saying "a market, once a nice one, was obliterated by fragments of the bus" it'd be more interesting to say why the market "was a nice one". For example you could say "the market, once filled with charming children and ripe produce, was obliterated by flying fragments". This makes the reader connect and feel sympathy. Whereas using a vague/unidentifiable description such as "nice one" makes the reader skim the sentence and not have any thought or connection with the market.
Content
I like that you start to establish Aaron's character traits from the first paragraph not just with his physical description, but you establish that he is an optimist; because he like's to think he's taller than average even though he really isn't and doesn't let the lack of daylight bother him, he considers himself lucky. I like the consistency and the subtle way you start to establish his personality without just saying "he has a positive point of view".
I also like how you put a lot of details about the bomb, building the readers suspicion about the strange box. And then you simply but dramatically put "This was a bomb." This same dramatic short type of sentence is used for the closing of the chapter: "Then everything went black."
I really think this is interesting, people are always interested in terrorism/bombings and I think the plot so far is intriguing. I'd like to have a little more background about Aaron (where does he work, does he have a family, etc) but you have room for this in the other beginning chapters as well. In this chapter I would have liked to also have read some descriptions of the bomber, at least in his appearance, right now all the reader has is that he looked uncomfortable.
Good job on the first chapter and I look forward to reading more of this story!
~alliyah
Points: 144125
Reviews: 1227
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