z

Young Writers Society


12+

Revolution - Chapter 1

by zephion


Chapter 1

February 12, 2124

Aaron stepped out onto the crowded street. He was the last to leave his building again, but that was intentional, getting home a few minutes sooner didn’t seem to fit the risk of getting trampled. He joined the flow of other people towards the bus stations, keeping a firm grip on his briefcase; he had been robbed on the way home before. Aaron was 24 years old, red headed and average height, though he liked to think that he was slightly above. This particular day was no different than usual. He had gotten up, gotten dressed while it was still dark, caught up bus, made it to his building, climbed fourteen flights of stairs in order to avoid the over capacitated elevator, sat down in his cube, worked until dark and began to make his way home. Daylight was something that commonly evaded Aaron, but he never seemed to miss it. He made do with what he had, and compared to most, he considered himself lucky.

Making it to the bus station Aaron waited at the curb. He didn’t dare try to claim one of the seats; he had seen fights break out over those. He looked around. There were some of his coworkers nearby, none that Aaron could place a name to, but of course, when you work in silence among three-thousand other people you tend to forget names. One man in particular caught Aaron’s attention today. He was dressed in a dark colored suit, far fancier than usual in this part of town. He had a nervous look of anticipation on his face and he gripped a grocery bag in his left hand like his life depended on it. Aaron didn’t think much of it, there were a lot of strange people about town and this man could have just gotten off at the wrong bus stop. Aaron caught awkward eye contact with the man, realized he was staring and looked away, just as the bus arrived.

People flooded around Aaron into the bus, but Aaron stood his ground, waited for an opportunity and stepped onto the crowded automobile. The nervous man followed him. While the other commuters scrambled for seats, Aaron calmly made his way to the back of the bus and grabbed the overhead bar. Being in the back of the bus saved Aaron from some unnecessary roughness as the other passengers boarded, and standing prevented him from getting dirty looks from those who didn’t get seats. Besides, Aaron didn’t mind standing after sitting in a cubicle all day. The bus jolted forward, bumping a number of people into each other, but then the ride smoothed out and Aaron was on his way home. He once again noticed the suited man, standing a few people in front of him, still clutching his grocery bag, darting his eyes around nervously. Aaron almost felt bad for him, he looked so uncomfortable.

After a few minutes the audio speakers in the bus crackled and announced that the first stop was coming up. Aaron’s stop was the third, so it didn’t bother him, but the nervous man seemed to get more uncomfortable as they neared the next destination. The bus slowed to a stop somewhat roughly, once again knocking the commuters into each other. The nervous man gave a final sigh and pulled something out of his grocery bag. It wasn’t food, but a box made of a black metallic material, a single switch on top. This box seemed to be hastily designed, as if not meant to last, silver tape holding together the edges. Shaking the man stared down at the odd contraption, wires poking out the sides. Aaron watched this and his eyes widened with fear. This was a bomb. Aaron had heard of this sort of thing happening, but never seen anything like it before, he panicked. He turned to the back of the bus and opened the latch on the emergency door, setting off alarms throughout the automobile. He jumped off the back, and sprinted down the crowded street as fast as he could, away from the explosive. A scream ripped from the bus, surely another noticed the bomb. The street was empty, no other bus, no other people. It was practically silent, and dark, as if the sun didn’t exist.

Then all of that changed.

The bomb went off, causing the bus to erupt. The walls of the bus burst outward, being thrown to either side of the street. The roof flew directly up, shattering into thousands of pieces. Passengers, or what was left of them, were thrown about, blood spilling throughout the wreckage. Flames spurted everywhere, smoke bellowing from what was left of the vehicle. The destruction did not stop there. On one side of the street, a market, once a nice one, was obliterated by fragments of the bus. On the other a bank, the center of the wealth in this city was sent up in flames by the flying shrapnel. Aaron was knocked forward by the blast, hitting his head on the road. Then everything went black. 


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Tue Jul 01, 2014 4:13 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hey there, I'm here to review!

Grammar/Wording

I like the way in the first paragraph you describe the elevator as "over capacitated". It made me laugh visualizing a cramped elevator.
Also in the first paragraph make sure to just put the number "14" instead of spelling it out, to be consistent because you already put the number "24" for his age rather than spelling it out. --> Same issue in the next paragraph with his "three thousand" coworkers, either put the numeric value or spell it out, but be consistent every time.

In this sentence:

"Aaron caught awkward eye contact with the man, realized he was staring and looked away, just as the bus arrived.."
The last comma can be deleted. In a few other places it seemed like you had extra commas too, so be careful about this. (I have the same issue of sprinkling in extra commas in my work just to be safe)

In this sentence:
"People flooded around Aaron into the bus, but Aaron stood his ground, waited for an opportunity and stepped onto the crowded automobile.
I think it should be "...waited for an opportunity then stepped onto..." because he didn't wait and step at the same time. He did one and then the other.

Other Suggestions

I think when you describe the bomb going off rather than just starting with "The bomb went off"... you should just go right into describing the explosion. It'd keep in the action and it's not really necessary anyways because the reader can infer what happened by your descriptions.

Also rather than saying "a market, once a nice one, was obliterated by fragments of the bus" it'd be more interesting to say why the market "was a nice one". For example you could say "the market, once filled with charming children and ripe produce, was obliterated by flying fragments". This makes the reader connect and feel sympathy. Whereas using a vague/unidentifiable description such as "nice one" makes the reader skim the sentence and not have any thought or connection with the market.

Content

I like that you start to establish Aaron's character traits from the first paragraph not just with his physical description, but you establish that he is an optimist; because he like's to think he's taller than average even though he really isn't and doesn't let the lack of daylight bother him, he considers himself lucky. I like the consistency and the subtle way you start to establish his personality without just saying "he has a positive point of view".

I also like how you put a lot of details about the bomb, building the readers suspicion about the strange box. And then you simply but dramatically put "This was a bomb." This same dramatic short type of sentence is used for the closing of the chapter: "Then everything went black."

I really think this is interesting, people are always interested in terrorism/bombings and I think the plot so far is intriguing. I'd like to have a little more background about Aaron (where does he work, does he have a family, etc) but you have room for this in the other beginning chapters as well. In this chapter I would have liked to also have read some descriptions of the bomber, at least in his appearance, right now all the reader has is that he looked uncomfortable.

Good job on the first chapter and I look forward to reading more of this story!

~alliyah


This Review courtesy of The After Watch




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Tue Jul 01, 2014 4:10 am
tgirly wrote a review...



Hello and happy Anniversary of Joining YWS (I'm about 11 days off, but it's close enough.)

In the second sentence, there should be a semicolon after intentional since what follows is a separate though.

I'm picking up on a lot of 1s, 2s, and 4s (ie the date, his age). Is that intentional?

You don't need to tell us he's average height because we'll assume that if you don't. Also, average height is a bit ambiguous; it means different things to different people so it's not actually descriptive.

You also might want to look at the order of the sentences in your first paragraph; you talk about how he usually gets home, then you describe him, then you jump back to talking about how this day was no different than normal and go back to talking about his day, making the description of Aaron feel out of place.

"Making it to the bus station". You just said a few seconds ago that he was making his way somewhere else, then said that he made do with what he have. I might take out a few make/mades so it doesn't get repetitive.

"gripped a grocery bag in his left hand like his life depended on it." I'd like to hear your reasoning for adding that it was in his left hand.

"Aaron didn’t think much of it" I thought you said that this man caught his attention. This contradicts a little bit.

"and standing prevented him from getting dirty looks from those who didn’t get seats." I love that you keep explaining Aaron's reason for everything like this; it does a really good job of revealing his character as a thoughtful, cautious, people-pleaser sort of person. Knowing his character makes him more human-like to the reader.

"darting his eyes around" Personally, I don't like this phrase. It makes it sound like he's throwing his eyes around.

"before, he panicked." He panicked should be its own sentence.

It seems to me that if the explosion was big enough to send up an entire bank in flames, it would have completely consumed the bus itself in a fiery display of heat.

It might seem like I've got a lot of critiques here, but they're all really easy to fix, so don't get discouraged. I love you're writing style; it fits really well with the story you're trying to tell. It's very direct and strong, and the piece really grabs the reader's attention; it's a great opening and it leaves us wanting to read more. I can't wait to read the next chapter; I'm intrigued.

You've got a great story in the works here that just needs a few, easy edits. I'm envious.
-tgirly

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Tue Jul 01, 2014 4:10 am
lostthought wrote a review...



Hey there! Here to review.

Nitpicks

Spoiler! :
Aaron was 24 years old

You don't use the actual numbers when it comes to, well, numbers. So it would be twenty-four

caught up bus

Perhaps you meant Caught a bus?


You wouldn't expect for this to happen. Of course, the reader would expect for something to happen, perhaps the nervous guy planned to kidnap him or something. But who really expected the bomb until the guy started reaching into the bag (I honestly thought he was hungry).

Poor Aaron. He probably isn't dead, so you can't feel that bad for him. Just an average guy randomly getting blown up is all.

Your details are great, not too overwhelming. Can I suggest cutting down paragraphs into smaller pieces? You don't have to, it just makes it easier on the eyes.

Keep writing!

-lost





"I think; therefore, I am."
— René Descartes