Click click click
Black heels strapped around delicate ankles connect audibly with the pavement, but Lily seems not to notice. The sound of her footsteps echoing off the looming buildings around her don't worry her nearly as much as the ominous foreboding gnawing holes in her stomach and the haunting feeling that this has happened before. She brushes a honey blonde curl away from her face and looks behind her. Nothing but shadows. She shouldn't have gone out tonight. Now she was walking home alone.
Going clubbing had been Natalie's idea, the red dress had been her own. And what a bad idea it had been, Lily reflects, looking down at the scarlet hem brushing bare skin. Walking home at one in the morning had not been anyone's idea, but rather the culmination of a long string of bad decisions on both their parts. Now Natalie was drunk and spending the night in the company of a stranger and the car keys, and Lily was forced to walk through the worst part of town in exactly the wrong attire to be walking through the worst part of town in the middle of the night in. Luckily she hadn't as of yet been propositioned.
The ominous feeling that had been following her, however, had nothing to do with her choice of wardrobe. It had been with her that morning when she awoke, and it had dogged her steps on the way to the office. It chased her through the city streets as she went to get sushi for lunch and it had shadowed her all the way home. She ignored it, but it was persistent and wouldn't leave her alone. She had tried to leave it at the bar but the alcohol just made it more visible and after a few drinks she had stopped, afraid to see her fear made solid. And the worst part was: she didn't know what she was so afraid of. She had no reason to fear, well, anything. At least she didn't until that particular moment, alone in steamy streets of the city. Now, alone in the middle of the night, she had everything to fear.
The shadows were moving. She wasn't fucking hallucinating. The god damn shadows were moving! Oh please just let in be a drunk sleeping in the street because he had nowhere else to go. Or maybe it was a dog, scrounging for dinner in the trash cans that lined the sidewalk. But she knew that wasn't it. She wasn't sure what was going on, but she knew from the pounding in her chest that this is what she had been dreading all day. Breath was hurried as she rushed towards the dubious safety of the pool of light ten feet in front of her. A scream, something had grabbed her from behind, and the last thing she remembered was the pain in the back of her head as she collapsed into unconsciousness.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Haha I forgot the f word was in there. Oops.
F-word means instant R, darling; otherwise a good tale!
Thanks for the advice. I actually have no clue where this is going, which is why it's so short and so vague.
Hi.
First thing I want to say is, double-spacing. Many new people to the site forget, but you must remember in future. It makes it much easier for the reader to read.
Put this in italics.
I know it probably doesn't feel like it, but you changed tenses here. You need to say, The ominous feeling that has been following her...
You're a very good writer, and you have great descriptions. I just want to know, is there more coming? Because this is a very abrupt ending. Overall, very good.
Spaces between the paragraphs would be great.
I liked the suspense-build. I also liked the red dress, the beacon in the darkness sort of thing. It's a good idea.
But there'd better be a continuation--it would be so wrong to leave us all hanging like that.
Keep writing.
Hello. ^_^
This is a very engaging, intriguing beginning (I assume it is a beginning?) and I really enjoyed your descriptions.
Nitpicks:
[quote]Click click click [/quote]
I'd italicize that, it's just usual and looks prettier.
[quote]She had tried to leave it at the bar but the alcohol just made it more visible[/quote]
Since you're describing a feeling or a vibe, I don't think visible is the word to use, since it's not something tangible. Maybe "the alcohol made it more present" or "more noticeable."
Tense change- you begin in present tense:
[quote]Black heels strapped around delicate ankles connect audibly with the pavement, but Lily seems not to notice. The sound of her footsteps echoing off the looming buildings around her don't worry her nearly as much as the ominous foreboding gnawing holes in her stomach and the haunting feeling that this has happened before. She brushes a honey blonde curl away from her face and looks behind her. Nothing but shadows. She shouldn't have gone out tonight. Now she was walking home alone. [/quote]
Then it switches to past tense because Lily is recollecting the events of the day. That's fine, but when the focus shifts back to the her walking home alone, it should switch back to present tense. So it should read like this:
[quote]The shadows ARE moving. She ISN"T fucking hallucinating. The god damn shadows ARE moving![/quote]
Hope this helped a bit. I'd love to read more of this! ^_^
Is this going to be continued? Because as is, the reader (me!) is left hanging. You set up a great situation, but I still want to know what the bad decisions were, who/what is in the shadows, etc. etc. etc...
You should go back and put another space between each paragraph. As is, the solid block of text is a bit hard to read.
Anyway, I don't have much else to say. There was so little here, but it has such great potential! Please expand upon it! And if you do, please PM me.
*thumbs up*
~GryphonFledgling